Hi, Im new to this site but really happy that I stumbled across it, hopefully I can get some good advice. My whole life I have felt different than everyone else, and had a very hard time connecting with other people my age. I never enjoyed doing things that other guys my age liked, and although I have been with girls in highschool and the begining of University I always felt like I was doing it for the wrong reasons, like I would go out to a bar with friends and hook up with a girl because that is what my friends expected from me, but I never really felt happy or good about it. I am going into my third year of university and since I started I have began to recognize and realize that I am probably gay. I realized that some of the feelings I have had towards friends in the past have been more than feelings of friendship, and that I am attracted to men. But for two years I have been ashamed and embarrassed about this discovery. Over the past year, I experienced a lot of depression. I would be sitting at a bus stop thinking about something completley different and all of a sudden I would start crying. But for two years I was so ashamed that I never let anyone know my true feelings, and instead let the truth fester in my gut. It became like a weight that I carried around in my stomach all the time. Although at times I wanted to talk to my brother or friends about it, i would open my mouth but feel like I was going to puke and be unable to begin the conversation. This summer I traveled to Israel and Greece for three months. Although I didn't tell anyone that I am gay on my travels, I never advertised myself as straight either, and instead just let people draw their own conclusions. I felt like the pressure of going out and having to hook up with girls to impress friends and fit in was completly lifted. People did ask me if I was gay a couple times, and when they did I told them I was, but that was it. When I came back I told myself on the plane ride that I was going to try to come out at home. So far, it has understandably been very hard. Me and my brother both go away to school but we were living in the same house for three weeks, and although I wanted to several times I never got the courage to tell him and he just left to travel abroad. Im still not sure if I want to tell him over the phone or wait until he comes back for thanksgiving to try again in person. The last few weeks I have wanted to talk to my parents about it too. I have realized that they may suspect something already and they have hinted at things before and told me that they would love me no matter what. I knew that they would be accepting but it was just scary because I knew that once I told them in made it a reality and not just a thought in my head anymore. Last night I finally ripped off the bandaid and told them. I am still in shock that I did. Although it was scary and hard, I am happy that I finally got it out there. Just like I thought, my parents have suspected and told me that they just wanted me to be happy and loved me no matter what. We talked for an hour about what it would mean for my future and what my "next steps" should be. I guess justifiably, they have no advice for me. Being the first time anyone in my family has gone through something like this, and although I do have a few gay acquaintances I didn't know them before they came out, I have no idea what to do next. My parents want me to talk to someone and get some advice. My dad said he would phone a social worked friend of his and put me in touch with someone to help me, but I don't know if I want to talk to a social worker. Does anyone have any experience with this? I don't know how that will help me. My mom said maybe I should speak to someone who has experience coming out, and offered to give me numbers for her friends son, but I don't want to call up some random guy and ask him embarrassing questions. So I guess thats why Im posting here. I just want to be happy and live my life openly, but I don't know how to get to that point. Thanks for reading this very long message, and any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated!
Hi there, and welcome to EC! :smilewave I'll start off by offering my congratulations. If you want to be happy and live your life the way you want to, then starting to come out to people is exactly the first step you needed to get started on that path. In fact, it's also the most difficult step. So you're already on the right direction! One more caveat: there is no one thing you "should" do. And there's no one true way of being gay. There's all kinds of things you can do, and what you do or when you do it is entirely your own choice. So don't take any advice as an obligation. Now... some common further steps some people take. - Myself, I initially focused on coming out to more people first. Being gay (to be precise: the constant lying about it and avoiding the topic) was effectively a wall between me and my friends. Since I valued their companionship in all other matters, it felt right to break down that wall. I first told a couple I knew would be supporting (I started with a gay friend, in fact), and then worked my way out. It took some months (there's no need to rush: coming out should be done on your own terms), but by the end, everyone knew. It did make for a wee bit of awkwardness for a few days or weeks, but in the end everyone took it in stride. I'm obviously the butt of some "gay" jokes, but every single one of them was also very interested and supportive. Even if i do just the things with them i did before coming out... everything about it feels more relaxed and "right". - The above is basically "upgrading the life you already had. Many people also search out whether there's any local gay groups they could come out to. If you're in or near a city, there's all kinds of groups you can join, from gay swim clubs to gay book clubs, or even groups of just some gay people coming out. While it's not guaranteed they'll all be ideal best friend material, you're bound to find at least a few people with similar experiences and interests. Which would be just the kind of people you need when living your life your way! Last but not least... you're already in a gay support group right here. So feel free to post any other questions that come up, no matter how embarrassing or odd they might feel at first. It's a near-certainty there's at least a few people here who can relate and offer their opinion!
Not a whole lot to add to what Filip said, but I just want to echo first that there really isn't any "right" thing to do - unless you frame it in general terms such as "whatever you want." I don't know that I see any specific reason to talk to a social worker - while your parents sound fantastic and supportive, I think they may be over-reacting a little bit. :lol: But hey, positive over-reacting sure beats the alternative. You could take your mom up on the offer to meet her friend's son - it never hurts to know gay people in your area. I'm sure it feels weird, and if you really want to you could just tell her that she can give your contact info to this other person, and if he wants to call, he can call. But personally I think it sounds like a fun idea. In addition to meeting other gay people and/or coming out, something you wrote in your first post struck me: Now, travelling can make it really easy to do something like this, but I gotta say, putting yourself in the mindset of not needing to pretend and letting people think what they want to think seems to me like a really healthy thing to do. So beyond coming out to people, I would try to keep getting yourself to think this way as much as possible. It sounds like some of your actions prior to coming out were dictated a lot by what you thought people expected of you, and while coming out is a fantastic step in the right direction, I think it's important to make sure you're becoming comfortable with yourself, as well as becoming comfortable with others knowing you're gay. Finally, even if we're not in the Introductions forum here, welcome to the site!
I think the social worker is more because I said I was self conscious of it and felt worthless in life.
Welcome to EC! Wow, you've done amazingly well coming out so far, congrats! I'm glad you're doing this while you still have some college life remaining. Maybe you'll get to date some guys while you're still young. Maybe the guy your mom knows could be nice to meet for lunch, coffee or a drink. Is he cute? :icon_wink Good luck in the coming school year, and again, congrats! :eusa_clap
I've heard a lot of people gain benefits from counseling or therapy. It could benefit you if you found the right person. May be this is what your parents are also referring. I have no idea about social workers though. btw congrats on your success and good luck!
Welcome to EC! Great that you've joined... and congrats on just biting the bullet and coming out. It's not an easy thing to do. A social worker is basically a psychotherapist with broader training in family and community relationship issues. I'd take up the opportunity in a second to get therapy if it were offered to me! Social workers are trained to help you gain insight and to understand the feelings you have, but also to look at how the dynamics of your family and friends impact your view of the world and your feelings about yourself. I think you'd find it extremely helpful to just have a few sessions to discuss what you're feeling and see how it goes. I'd also suggest getting a copy of Joe Kort's amazing book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding yourself, understanding the issues that nearly all gay men face as the begin to accept themselves, and helping you to fit in and connect with others. You might also enjoy Brené Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection", which speaks to the issues of shame and "fitting in" vs. belonging. Everyone has shame, and it's one of those things that the less we talk about it, the more we have it, but LGBT people tend to have a larger amount of shame than most straight people because of the judgment that society imposes on LGBT people. "Gifts" speaks to that in a very practical way and talks about the behaviors we develop to compensate for shame, and how, if we work toward letting go of the shame we have, we can live much more connected, loving, and wholehearted lives.
Thanks. I have been reading a book called the velvet rage which is also abotu shame. I have found it really insightful, but maybe I will try one of the other ones (or both) as well. I was so terrified to come out to my parents but since it went so well it sort of made me want to do it to more people. I havent yet but I keep thinking about it.
