I am here for some advice? Maybe I am not the only one out there like this? Hell, I don't know. Just need to get this all off of my chest and don't really have a neutral party to talk to. Ya know? I'm 31 here in a couple days. Married to a heterosexual women, who knows I am gay. I have known I was gay for many years now. Hell my first "experience" was with a neighbor kid. Then a few more boys through school and high school. And then I finally got with a girl! I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I got a kiss and knew then that I was "Normal". I had many many relationships with women trying and trying to find the right one. At about 18-19 I found this girl that I thought made me happy. I thought she was my world. I gave her 8 years of my life, neve cheating on her. When we had our little breakups I would hook up with many women, again trying to find the right one. I do not remember a good majority of the women I slept with..... But I remember EVERY male. From first to last. Even some of their names. (I had a horrible motorcycle head injury in 2003. I have a horrible memory now). Well my no ex wife and I split up for good, or so we thought, and I persue other relations for the first time. Not nessicarily Gay, but everything I could get my hands on. From what I understand in my short period of time in the LGBT community, is this is pretty normal with gay men trying to find themselves. Well, I found a boy. He was cute, well mannered, effeminate outwardly, but different when the lights went out. It was great. I was complete. I was about 25 at this point and had made my own life pretty crazy for many years after getting out of the military. I decided this was the time to come out. This was it. I had been waiting for this my entire life! I had a boyfriend, and I was on top of the world! Nothing could stop my momentum now! I came out to mom first. She had already known for years. Don't ask me how, no one else did. Mothers intuition I guess. She said its probably not a good idea to tell my dad, that she would break the ice. My dad is an old school biker and the patriarch of his family. His goal was for me to follow in his footsteps. Lead my family. Well, I made the mistake of not listening to mom and outed myself to my father. Bad idea. Really bad idea. My fathers opinion of me has been my entire world for 30 years now. So at that time, when he told me no son of his would be gay. I stuffed it all back down in the closet and faked it all over again, for years. Here we are now. I sit here bawling, because I have never told this story to myself even. I have hidden it in the deepest part of my brain that I could fathom. I visualize EVERYTHING! I got with a few more women, none of them worked. At all. Mostly crazy bitches, doing drugs with me or street racing or whatever trouble I could get myself into. I even got back together with my ex wife. (I had forgotten that she cheated on me for the entirety of our 8 years together exclusively with men. And then turned out to be lesbian....... Ouch.) I moved in with this couple and their children. I became the absolute best of friends with this women. We sat up late late into the morning just talking about nothing. She saved me. She saved me from me. And to this day I can say that is no easy task. I am wild. I love to party and fight. But she keeps me tame. Like a puppy. And I love it. Time went on and her and I began to experience more than just being friends. I would make myself up a little and hang my swim trunks a little low to tease her. (unfortunately, while she was still married) he was a real ass to her. He yelled and made her feel like she was worthless. When in fact it was him. Fast forward a few months and we have a camping trip. "The Camping Trip". Where we found that in fact yes, you can fall on it it and it goes in, with enough alcohol....... We went back to the house and did our thing. By this time he pretty much knew what was going on in his own house and didn't care. She went to him saying, "If you won't have sex with me, can I go to ....(me).... He said it was fine and that's what we did. Things happened and she left him. Her and I got together and after a long hard road at each others side, never wavering, we got married. I feel I can be in public and proud. My children love me, she loves me. And I love her more than anything. (I assume most of you can see where this is going). We have been through hell together. Looked the devil in his face and spat. Flipped him off and walked hand in hand back. And I would do it everyday for her, until the day I die. About a month ago I came out to her and my family. Told my dad that this is what it is and let my mom break the ice this time. Dad actually took it a lot better this time. He said he knew, duh, I already told him years ago. The rest of my family.... I don't know if they know or not, but we don't talk much. One of my other cousins is very flamboyantly gay and they accept him completely. I'm not worried. Now that I am out, now that I can be honest. I feel open but depressed. I have hurt the women I love. I feel great because I no longer carry that weight on my shoulders. But now the women I love does. She feels she now must compete with something she is not equipped to battle against. I am gay. I feel soooo good saying that. I want to dress up and prance around, announcing to the world I am gay. BTW, I have a very public life, veterans rights speeches. News. Blah blah blah. Plus I have ALWAYS been as masculine as possible. To a dangerous degree. I would always try to prove my manhood with fighting or other "male" things. I got into an argument with her last night. I said I want to have sex with a man. She has been trying soooo hard to give that to me. And now she is crushed. I now feel like I should have just kept it all a secret. So I never hurt her. I have dealt with the pain for so many years, what was 50 more? Right? So long as she is happy, I am happy... Right? (here I go crying again) that is always how I have lived. That is how all the men in my life live. It's not about happy, it's about complete. We are here to serve our women as they are here to serve us. I love her so much. With everything I have. She is the most perfect person I have ever met. And I know a lot of people. A LOT! Her only problem is she is just that, a she. Is she had a penis I would be the happiest person ever AND complete. I want her. I crave her. I just want sex with a male. What the hell am I supposed to do here? (&&&):help::help::help::help::help::help::help&&&)
First of all, that was one hell of a life story! And I'm sorry that things brought you into this position. (*hug*) For one, no. You didn't make the wrong decision by telling your family. As you may have noticed, you can't be happy just by the fact that she is happy. It's not really how it works in a relationship between two people, both have to be happy and not forced into it. Your happiness should be at least on the same spot on your priority list as hers. At least in the long run. Now from what I've read, you two have managed to build a very strong relationship. But the problem is that you are (only) emotionally attached to her. Not sexually, which is different from what 2 heterosexuals could establish, which is both. Obviously you can't do both be because you are homosexual and she is female. Sadly there's no fix for that one But I have heard of even married couples with one homosexual partner still managing. I think the heterosexual part allows the homosexual part to have sex with members of the same sex and still be open about it. It's like cheating only it's not! :icon_wink But this will only work if she is totally okay with it and she would have to accept that as hard as she tries, she won't be able to satisfy your sexual needs. Again, I feel sorry that you have to be in this crappy position and hope you and your girlfriend and kids can get this fixed. (And yes, there are gays in heterosexual marriages and relationships on here. Sadly I'm not one of them, but maybe by answering this it will help you AND bring it back to the top of the "new post section" so some might see it. )
