Should we or shouldn't we break up?

Oh god this is a toughy.

I have to admit, those bits had me thinking "GET OUT NOW!"

I really don't know, my head is thinking you shold get out of the relationship before he really does hurt you. He just seems far to nonchalant to be real.

Yet he said that "your the one" so he MUST have some idea that he wants to spend a looooooong time with you, if not the rest of his life.

ARG... I really don't know what to say to you. You can either quit now and find someone who doesn't put an artifical life span on your relationship and actually values honesty or stay with him and prove his own philosophy wrong. I dunno, he really has just admitted to you that he's a HUGE risk. Are you a gambling girl?

EDIT: Have you actually confronted his views and made him aware of how incompatable they are with yours and how uncomfortable that makes you feel?

 

If it was me on the spot, I'd break up. I don't see what the use is to stay with someone who thinks I'm disposable & that whether staying or leaving won't matter to him. I think in relationships, that fact should matter to both of the couple.

The choice is up to you. The fact that you lost your virginity together maybe makes it a tough decision. I think if you stay you'll be hurt badly in the end. But if you leave now, you'll be hurt for sometime & eventually move on to someone who can be completely honest with you.

 

Frankly, I don't think it would be worth staying with him. I would say that the "keeping secrets is fun" part is by far the most problematic. It means you can never entirely trust what he tells you, something that will kill even the best relationships. Because both of you are still young, there is a good chance that his attitudes will change over time; however, there is no guarantee that they will change in ways that will make the two of you more compatible.

In addition, the fact that he says he wouldn't care if you broke indicates that either a) he is hiding his feelings, which is a recipe for disaster in a relationship or b) he isn't nearly as serious about it as you are. Neither of these will make for a healthy relationship.

 

First off, I understand completely how special that is. I was with my recent ex for 2 years, we lost our virginity to each other, and we still love each other. This has made the break up very hard, but we both know it's for the best. And no matter how hard the breakup you may decide to have will be, it'll be alright. You can be that specially bonded to someone and still live through letting them go.

This is a very good reason to break up. It's wise to see that it doesn't match, and probably won't be. Your heart may not be seeing it, but the fact that your head can recognize a problem is a good sign. It means you're your own person, and you respect your right to have things in your future you want, like honesty and marriage.

That's a perfectly valid viewpoint, but it doesn't match up with yours. That's probably going to cause a whole boatload of very very big problems down the road, if there is going to be a 'down the road'.

Woah, woah, hold up. This is not only a red flag, this is a BIG EFFING RED FLAG. He won't ever be honest with you. Honesty is the foundation of a healthy relationship. What's he hiding in that 20%? Drug addiction? Illegitimate children? 20% is a big big piece. And he's not being someone who healthily practices polyamory, he's being a cheating a**hole. He's not going to find someone, ask you how you feel about him pursuing her, and respect your feelings and boundaries. He's going to cheat on you, then tell you about it and pretend you have no right to be hurt since he was honest with you after the fact. No. Just, no.

As much as it hurts... And I know it hurts a lot... You're probably right, on all accounts... He's not the person you fell in love with. He's different from how you thought he was, and whether he was like this all along, or he became this way, he's still not the person you fell in love with. And, one more thing. If he loves you and is able to let you go, it's a healthy kind of love. If he just doesn't care if you stay or go, he doesn't actually love you.

Something I do want to strongly encourage you to do (if you break up) is still respect the feelings you had during the course of your relationship. Don't pretend it never happened. Don't tear it down and say it wasn't love, or that it was all hollow. Focus on how it made you feel while it was happening. It made you happy in the middle, I can tell. And those feelings that you had were real. The relationship didn't work out because it had serious problems, but it wasn't a waste of time. You loved, you learned, it was time to move on. Don't hurt yourself by tearing down your feelings. Close that chapter of your life. It's over. But you don't have to rewrite the story or burn the pages.

I'm still very attracted to my ex, sexually and romantically, but we're over for a good reason, so it has to stay that way. It's really hard. It's more than devastating that we'll never kiss or snuggle or make love again, but... It's just the way it has to be. You can't have a relationship with only the beautiful things. The good, the bad, and the ugly all come in a package deal. And if the package isn't right, you have to give up the perks to give up the package.

It's very hard to give them up. And once you're away from the bad things for a while, they start to look less bad, and the good things you missed start to look even better. But if you give it even more time, you'll be able to see the whole thing in perspective.

I really suggest you break up, but in the end, the decision is yours to make. I just hope that you do whatever is really right for you and your situation. I gave my opinion, but I could also be wrong. Just choose what you know deep down needs to happen. If you're meant to be, you can always get back together later.

Another word of advice, don't be friends right away. Take a few months off communication cold turkey, to let your heart calm down and sort out the big picture.

 

Well... For I can tell at least he's very honest. Which I think is a really important thing. If you desagree with his points of view and are that improtand to you then maybe you should break up. Although I must say I wouldn't. Now I don't know about love. I don't think that he doesn't love you. If he says so I believe him because he was honest about everything else. The thing is that everyone has his own definition of what love is. So maybe this is his. Maybe this is the most he can give and the most he can be attached to a human being. I simply don't find anything wrong with that. Also I know that truth hurts. 80% is a lot of sharing comparing to the amount of things that people are hidding to each other which are by the way usualy the most important things. Everyone has to have his "own things". At least he says so. He is clear with it. As I said before it's your call if you're fine with it or not. I just don't seem to find anything that wrong with him I guess. You just have a different way of seeing things. Obviously I and you too have so maybe you should just ignore me.

 

I hope everythng works out for the best for you! (*hug*)

Are you two stil going to remain friends?

 

I think it's a really good idea to stay single for a bit. Get your bearings, and learn to be happy while you're alone. It's healthier that way. Remember that communicating at all in the next few months will make it a lot harder on both of you. Even if you later get back together, you need definite distance to let things change enough to have a successful relationship.

Even if you choose to remain friends, it's necessary that you cut off contact for a while. Your heart can be pretty bad at differentiating between "just friends" and "still lovers". Good luck, honey. I know you'll be okay. (*hug*)

 

I'm sorry, sweetie. I know it's rough. (*hug*)