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An open letter in progress...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by unicorn14, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. unicorn14

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    Hi all,

    Today I began to write what will eventually be an open letter not only to myself but to those I care about and who are involved in my life, especially my girlfriend who has an impossible time understanding what this is like for me. It's still in progress because there's so much to say and to write. The next chapter of it is going to be about my girlfriend and what I'm putting her through and what I truly feel, the good, the bad, the hurtful and the horribly ugly. I don't fear hurting anyone with this letter as it will be raw and honest and be my experience as I navigate through all of this and I think without it no one will truly understand. I feel like one day it will be a tool to explain me and to allow people to feel what I was going through rather than assume.

    I ask that no one judge b/c to this day I haven't forgiven myself, the next chapter does involved my breakup and the pain it caused me b/c I felt I had no choice. It also involves my amazing girlfriend who is going through this with me, who won't let me push her away, who is hopeful the outcome will be good, although I am less than skeptical.

    Looking for feedback as I work on the rest...


    DRAFT PART I

    This isn't me, it can't be.

    I remember being home last Christmas, hanging out with family and friends and having the usual great time. I remember specifically sitting watching (boyfriends name) and his family debate topics while I worked and just thinking, "I just love him, I'm so glad I found someone who I don't fight with and it's just so easy." I remember thinking how lucky I was to have someone and to be in love. Someone who made me a better person and pushed my personally and professionally to be more calm, focused, and ambitious. The person I was in January was a far cry from who I was 8 years ago, I was more complete and I had broken out of the patterns I learned from my parents of anger and misery, I had become my own person, FINALLY! Someone who I respected and who made me want to be great at everything, just to see the pride in his face. The same pride I had when he explained physics to me and I never paid attention but I beamed with pride at the passion he exuded about his work. Very few have that kind of passion for something, including me.

    ...That was January 2012

    I still see their faces. Not people I've met or who I know, I see the faces that I made up in my head of (boyfriends name) and I's kids. So cute with brown hair and blue eyes, and picturing him teaching them nerd topics and watching sponge bob on the couch. I could see it, and feel it, and looked forward to those days. I had a list in my head of wedding ideas and songs and who would be my bridal party. In January 2012, those things we're real plans, very real and I was so hopeful and excited for them. I wanted them and I had everything figured out. I was going to marry my best friend, the love of my life, the person who'd always been there for me and vice versa. I was already a part of his family and he was a part of mine. It was perfect, it really was.

    ...One week later...

    I never once thought those plans would never happen, I never once thought that just a week later I would make the biggest mistake of my life, I never once thought I'd kiss a girl and like it. And even then plans didn't change, they only seemed more appropriate and it revived my feelings that (boyfriends name) and I were meant to be. He understood and was happy I told him, he even said he trusted me more because I told him. And that night I told him, that was the end of it, life was going to go on and the guilt was gone, I could breathe again. I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT THIS WAS THE END OF HE AN I.

    I tried to stop drinking and I tried to pour energy into other things. I went to see Shelly (my therapist) for the first time and we discussed what happened and my anxiety and made a plan. If I could just solve my anxiety I could be a better person, friend, and girlfriend. If I could just work on myself. Get a hobby, do something other than self destruct.

    ...Over the next month

    I could not stop thinking about the kiss, or should I say full on make out session. It was so different, so amazing, thrilling even, but for me anything new or exciting can have that affect. I didn't want to date her or talk to her again, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. How soft her skin was, how intimate it was, how it made me feel. Feelings I didn't experience with (boyfriends name), but we never had that type of super intimate connection and he was a guy, the dynamics are quite different. To me, it didn't matter that the feelings were different, I still loved (boyfriends name), I still adored him, I still thought he was the hottest guy ever, and he made me laugh and he didn't take any of my crap, period. Those factors were way more important for me overall. Plus, I knew so many couples who had a less than exhilarating sex life, there are more important things involved.

    I tried not to drink, but I couldn't. I would get drunk and just want to kiss a girl so badly again, because maybe if I did, I wouldn't like it so much the next time and then I could move on knowing it was just a really awesome experience for the bucket list. But the problem was I was in a relationship with (boyfriends name) and I was bound and determined to see it through and to get back on track. So I had to let it go.

    Until I couldn't...

    I never imagined a night of bingo would lead to another mistake. I ended up making out with another girl until 5am one night. I remember being drunk and not giving a shit that (boyfriends name) was home worried. I remember waking up and the feeling I had of despair. I was just going to forget it, not tell him and this not fucking do it again. I barely remembered much of it anyways. But, what if (boyfriends name) found out from someone, what would happen then. And holy fuck the guilt I felt. How could I not love him enough to stop this. Was I going insane?

    I went to lunch that day, still drunk off my ass, knowing I had to tell him for all the wrong reasons. I had to tell him to relieve my guilt b/c I couldn't live with it. I figured that was the end, and for what? Honestly, for fucking what? I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me for a fucking make out session.

    I remember laying in his lap crying trying to get the courage when he asked, "What, it's not like you made out with another chick is it?" to which I replied, "Yes, I did" - he literally jumped off the couch and walked away, I was shaking, afraid of what was about to happen. I remember telling him all the same things about how I don't know why I did it and I didn't want to lose him and anything I could to make him stay. He stayed and the cycle repeated - therapy, no drinking, stay home....it should have been simple. I loved him why couldn't I just take the steps I needed to treat him with respect and to be the girlfriend I was for the 7 years and 10 months prior. I didn't want to lose him, what THE FUCK was happening to me? How could I not know I had this attraction? None of it made sense...

    To be continued...
     
    #1 unicorn14, Aug 23, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2012
  2. Gravity

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    A good question - and a good indication that, in the end, it's not just about your feelings for him.

    Obviously it's still in progress, but just a quick response to say that it sounds like this is really helpful for you - hope you continue and finish it at some point. :slight_smile: Whether or not you actually show it to anyone, organizing your thoughts like this can be a great thing to do. Keep it up!