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Why can't gay/bi men be friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Akatosh, Aug 24, 2012.

  1. Akatosh

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    This guy named 'Turnip Leaves'(not his real name) introduced himself and gave me his number at the store I used to work in. Granted, no one I worked with knows I'm bi, so it was a nice surprise and I didn't even have to try. I called 'Turnip Leaves' and we ended up hanging out about 6-8 times. I guess they turned more into dates. This is the furthest I've been dating, or anything, with a guy, and I had a few hang ups with 'Turnip Leaves':
    1) He is 19 and I am 26, which I thought a developed maturity level could lease the gap.
    2) He is about 5'5"/5'6" and I am 6'4", 200lbs, easily outweighing him by 60-70lbs.
    3) He wasn't shady, but he was muddy water in transparency.
    4) He never spoke about himself or his feelings, so I still know virtually nothing about him.

    Well, after watching movies one night, he kissed me before he left, and we had been snuggling/holding hands before that. Afterwards, I knew that the physical nature would increase. I had to decide if I'd actually want to be in a relationship with him. He was my first male kiss, we got along (the agreeableness was almost too extreme), and we have a lot in common.

    Long story short, I stopped arranging dates, (he never initiated any events, just waited for me to call him), and we talked much less. A part of me was testing to see if he would take initiative.. As a personality filter, I guess? Anyways, he completely ignores me via text, facebook, or phone.

    My question is, why can't he and I just be friends? I think it's a disappointment to the both of us that things didn't work out, but why is the relationship so black & white? I've had some girls do this to me, but a majority of the time we remained friends and still communicated. Am I being punished? What's going on?:eusa_doh:
     
  2. redstormrising

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    if you were the one arranging all the dates and you suddenly stopped, maybe he took it as a sign that you were no longer interested
     
  3. Rakkaus

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    Sorry, I didn't quite understand, did you actually want to end your relationship with him when you stopped arranging dates? But then he just started completely ignoring your attempts to contact him? Did you and he ever communicate at some point in-between that would cause him to not want to talk to you? Perhaps when you stopped arranging dates, he took it offensively as you snubbing him and no longer wanting to associate with him?
     
  4. Akatosh

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    He still texted me saying he wanted to do something, and that he missed me. During that time, I literally was spending 60-80 hours studying for school. I'm guessing I hurt his feelings by prioritizing school and family. I guess it's also pretty hard to prioritize a male relationship when you're in the closet too. And on communication, I still talked to him through text and Facebook, but I don't think that sufficed our friendship at that point. Normally, when we would talk on Facebook, he'd tell me his computer/phone was acting strange. I think he wanted more. I never disrespected him, or made him feel bad. It is what it is, I just want to know why he won't talk to me. Wondering if this is something that's prevalent among gay dating. I deleted him from my phone, and have gotten rid of Facebook, so we no lingonberry have a route of communication. Got rid of Facebook for time management purposes for my last semester of school.

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 02:45 AM ----------

    Basically, I tried maintaining a friendship and I think he took offense to that. Was the 'offense' more than likely brought about by his own personal emotional baggage, or do most people remain friends?
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Well, it seems to me like his feelings were hurt, and he didn't understand what had happened. Like, it was clearly going in a romantic direction, and you just sort of shut it down without explaining. So, he doesn't know if he did something wrong, or if you just decided you don't like him, or what.

    If you've cut off all forms of communication, I'm sure he think that was on purpose. So, yeah.

    If you'd explained that you had decided that you didn't want to pursue a relationship, but you still wanted to be friends with him, it would likely have been fine. But just withdrawing without explaining what was going on made him also withdraw in response.
     
  6. Gravity

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    As has been implied, I don't think this has anything to do with it being a gay relationship - maybe your not being friends at this point has to do with the particulars of how things ended between you two, and maybe it's just not something he's willing to do at this point for reasons of his own.

    I don't know how long it's been since this all happened, but I suppose it's possible that you could still contact him and explain what made you stop wanting to be in touch. But if he doesn't want to be friends, then that may just be a personal choice that you can't do much about. If you do decide to give it another shot, good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Filip

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    Well, I must admit I'm kind of confused by your original post.

    You mention that you have a lot in common and got on well.
    But then, you also mention he never told anything about himself and you're not even sure about what he did say.


    If I'm focusing on that last bit... I think you just didn't have enough to build a friendship on in the first place. "Fun while hanging out" is good to start as friends, but usually a big part is also spirited discussion, sharing details of your lives, common hobbies and activities etc.

    Essentially, I think friendships can work out if the relationship was "real good friends who were also something more". When that something more falls away, you can go back to being real good friends. From your description, though, I'm not sure if there was anything besides the "something more".
     
  8. Akatosh

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    I'm not going to give it another chance. I know I'll find someone one day that fits my ideal mate. I really just want to learn from this experience. Hope I didn't offend by my implications of this behavior being typical of gay relationships, but as my first attempt for one, I am clueless. Also, I migt be slightly on the asperger's scale, and it shows in my school work, and especially in intimate relationships. If I can understand it, then I'll be better equipped for the next relationship and understanding people's emotions.

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 03:32 AM ----------

    We have hobbies and interests in common, but when I'd share something personal, he would get quiet and not take the opportunity to share. There was no deep connection, basically. I don't care to try to force it to work, I just want to know where it went south. I think it may be his personality types. Has anyone else met someone like this?

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 03:46 AM ----------

    I didn't delete his number until yesterday after weeks of no communication. Communication, meaning, I'd ask how it's going one week and he wouldn't respond. I told him before I got rid of Facebook that I was getting rid of it because I needed more time for school. I didn't want him to think that I blocked him, and he knows I'm not that petty. Maybe there really isn't a question, and I may have figured out the reasons behind his behavior just by making this post. So, thanks.