Been Blackmailed Into Saying "I will change" to Parents...hope I did the right thing

So what I wanted to avoid so hard happened finally. My parents successfully managed to get me to promise to them that I will change.

As a quick sum up my mum, dad & grandma are completely against homosexuality. I'm (south asian -- Indian) of origin so the entire issue carries a massive stigma over here & they are simply to rigid in their views to listen to anything. Came out to Mum round 4 months ago, then she told grandma a few months later. Finally she told dad around 2 weeks ago. My parents shifted from UK to India permanently around a year ago now.

The events which led up to this include two psychiatrists who I am very angry at right now. One of them is practicing in India...my dad called her and told her about me (calling me his friends son of course). She said:

The boy is stupid to say he is gay at 20, he can definitely change & adapt to homosexuality, he just needs to change his mindset. If he is saying it might be genetic do karyotyping for him to prove to him it's not.

As you can assume I was angered by what this psychiatrist said so I told my parents that I don't trust what an Indian psychiatrist says due to the sensitivity of the issue at hand in regards to the country. They then decided to call up their friend in the UK who is a consultant psychiatrist. He said the SAME things...which is hilarious as it goes right against what the Royal College of Psychiatry (kind of the governing body for psychiatrists in UK) say.

So basically the psychiatrists poisoned their minds and made them believe I can change. They weren't ready to listen to anything. With me being insistent on saying I will not & need not change things got a bit out of hand.

A few days ago my mum said that she & dad have made a final decision. If I'm not ready to change they will completely break ties with me..emotional & financial. She'd guaranteed I would have financial support before this. So this was a big shock to me.

Even including the student loan the government in the UK gives us it's still not enough for accommodation & food costs combined. Because I'm in the high income families bracket I get the least amount of loan too & to top things off I'm living in one of the most student expensive cities in UK (our rents £105 per week!! haha). And of course as I was always guaranteed financial security by parents, being the lazy bum that I am I never worked..so have no money of my own at all. :dry:

I explained this to her & she said my dad talked to his cousin and they would be ready to shift me to an Indian medical school which my parents would be okay to pay for as it's cheap...but again I wouldn't be allowed to stay at home. She also said I shouldn't tell the UK government that my family is not helping me financially as they would "lie" and say they are willing to help...so there was no legal way of me getting a larger loan...or so she made me believe. I didn't say anything to her at that moment but of course in my mind I was screaming. There is no way I was going to leave the UK & live in India....that has always been home for me and will always be...all my friends are there, I've dreamt of working in the NHS eventually & yeah there's too many reasons.

There was only one option left for me...I had to give in...I told mum & dad that I will change...they are convinced I WILL as the psychiatrists said so too now. But of course it's a lie...let's call it a white lie. I didn't want to give her or dad false hope as I feel that's borderline cruelty...but the threat she made is borderline cruelty as well. I have done financial calculations & I reckon if I find part time work over university terms & SAVE the student loan I get (which means no more expensive food shopping that I loved to do :eek then I'll be financially "secure" by my 4th year....then this lie can be ended swiftly.

Of course my mum & dad are ecstatic now. She keeps acting like I've saved the whole family from carrying out group suicide or something. She keeps asking me if I'm lying and says if I am she'll die etc etc which make it harder to keep up the lie. I'm just sick of all this selfishness & blackmail from her tbh.

So that's the plan for now. It's good that my friends are really supportive...one of them even let me have a fake convo with her to convince mum I was definitely trying to change. One of my friends sisters a lawyer so I'm gonna talk to her and get some legal advice too. Only 3 more weeks till I'm back in the UK, then I'll feel much safer and calm about everything.

I just hope I did the right thing...I still feel so guilty & hate myself a bit for lying to them as I'm going against myself & giving them false hope...but the consequences of not doing so would have been unbearable.

 

Re: Been Blackmailed Into Saying "I will change" to Parents...hope I did the right th

@Chrissouth53

Yeah the first thing when I do when I get back is gonna involve talking to my mentor at university about possible bursaries. I know there are some available for emergency situations. I came out the mentor last term when things were getting difficult with mum so she already knows quite a bit of what was happening.

I'm a bit weary of calling their bluff as my parents don't usually bluff about things lol.

Yeah I'd like to see my own psychiatrist later on to see what they say.

Thanks for the support!

@rg93

Thanks for the support . Yeah I'm trying to think of it as self defence as the consequences would've been worse than death for me lol. Yeah my friends have been incredibly supportive throughout all this, I think it's made it somewhat more easier to get through. Yeah as I'll live in the UK my parents won't know what I do there for now...so I can carry on being out at uni and they'll never know. Facebook is an issue but they aren't my friends on it so it's fine....but my cousins are on fb so I can't be out on it.

@Helen XX

Thanks I'm more confident in the plan I've made now!

@Ianthe

I wouldn't be surprised if the Indian psychiatrist said that at all. I was shocked the UK one said that though, but then again the UK one is actually my mum & dads friend all the way back from med school. As he is Indian I don't think it's completely out of the realms of possibility that he's letting personal opinions get in the way of professional opinions...especially as my dad talked to him. Those are all my assumptions though. It is interesting to note that a few years ago I read an article saying even in the UK there are still a good number of psychiatrists who don't know how to deal with homosexuality...so some offer treatment/treat it a bit like a disease.

I could get the number of their friend & talk to him but it would be pretty risky as he knows me and my dad talked to him about a "friends son". I guess I could phone him and talk anonymously...it's not like my voice is extremely recognisable.

I have thought that maybe they have been lying about what the psychiatrists said. I think like you said a solution to that might be saying I "need help" and going to my own local psychiatrist and hopefully they'll have a different opinion (well they should do) so that I can tell parents about that. I'll probably do that closer to "coming out" again.

Throughout this lie the one thing I wanna avoid is saying "I've changed"...as long as I keep it at "trying to change" the guilt should be manageable. And more and more I'm starting to realise what a big injustice they were gonna do against me so the guilt is slowly getting less

@Aldrick

Thanks for the support

 

Re: Been Blackmailed Into Saying "I will change" to Parents...hope I did the right th

Thanks . And Cool i'll definitely check out that movie...it sounds really interesting from the name alone! And ricky gervais is awesome!

Thanks for the advice
I've already started looking for a part time job...which i could hopefully carry on with in the summer.
Luckily i am a british citizen so they can't force me to come back to india...the only real issue is finances...hypothetically i would have to go back if i didn't have a single penny but legally i'm pretty sure there must be something the government could do as it just doesn't seem a right a citizen should have to leave their coutry due to that. And our government has a very good benefits programme i believe...i'm gonna try to get all the legal advice as soon as i get back!