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Im really depressed and have no friends help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AaronMusicLA, Aug 24, 2012.

  1. AaronMusicLA

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    Ok so this is going to be long maybe not as long as i think but it may be sort of long. Anyway let me get to the first thing that really annoys me, i have put so many different like posts on websites for things like this got great advise and I'm still stuck living my life but you see my situation is sooooooo complicated.

    So im Aaron im 15 just this july and gay but you see i was bullied very bad in middle school i was not even gay then, i had girlfriends i was just very different people would always call me gay pussy all that. I always hated sport, really really hated sport. Other than track and field i was just very music and things i want to be a singer very bad i love music. So the bullying got bad and worse so i started skipping school at the end of the year this was year 8 i live in england near london and i had a middle school then high school was coming for the next year. So the year ended and high school was about to come and i started having really bad anxiety i was horrified as i had received lots of hate and death threats from people who went there. I was scared to see all the bullies that i had before so i tried to avoid it.

    My mum and all that my sister everyone tried to force me there they even managed to get me there a few times and i was put in a small room.
    All alone except a few others it was nice but i was so scared and i work there for a few months and then they said ok this is it. Time to go into real lessons. I was ready to pass out my heart raced i was having a panic attack i walked to the class saw the teens and ran away i managed to escape and run about 2 miles home i did this all the time. Sometimes the lady who worked in the small room i was in would say at break time just go away now go to the playground or field and i was like "cant i just stay here"? She would say no, i would then leave and stand in the hall way thinking everyone was staring at me then run home. So time went by and i left the high school I'm going to speed things up now so you can finish reading this. So i got home schooled and then because i was in the house so long all the time i started not talking to anyone until i had no friends as in none! And i started looking in the mirror and became obsessed with my face and skin and became depressed you may think whats this got to do with being gay well i will tell you now. I feel now as I'm not what would be year 11 soooo lonely i want to commit suicide i mean that I'm really thinking about it I'm not out as gay to anyone would never have the guts to do that :frowning2:


    I missed about 1 and a half years of school work from not actually having a home tutor just sitting at home and i finally decided to go back to school and they said its so late until college OMG ;( i really cant do this i hate my face i have the worst skin acne dark circles all of it I'm sooo skinny and i have not one friend and as i am young, I have hormones and i really want a boyfriend don't bother telling me its stupid because its NOT! i really do feel lonely i havnt had a friend for over 1 year help i don't know what to do my main question overall to you is can i ever have friends again where do i go ?
    And my other question please answer is will i ever find a boyfriend im about to kill my self honest help!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I need someone there is clubs and youth clubs around here but then when THEY are at school i wouldn't see my friends is it worth even going by the time school finished i wouldn't see my friends my boyfriend would be non existant as id have no time to see him
    !


    I WISH I NEVER LEFT SCHOOL
     
    #1 AaronMusicLA, Aug 24, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2012
  2. Gravity

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    First of all, welcome to EC - hope you find some help here.

    Okay - it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a really tough place, with a lot of conflicting emotions - namely, isolating yourself, but wanting friends and a boyfriend, hating school but now wishing you'd never left, and so on.

    What I'm interested in hearing more about here is your family situation - that seems to be the one social outlet you still have available at a moment's notice (you can always make new friends, and dating is always a possibility - yes, even with acne, as my first boyfriend will assure you). What is your relationship like with your family? Do you tell them about any of the feelings that you're having, whether about being gay or otherwise?

    I really think that talking to someone close to you, about whatever you can manage, will be part of the key to moving forward here. You're keeping a lot in, and that's inevitably going to cause problems if you're dealing with the kind of stress you describe here. Plus, there are even ways of treating some of the problems you're having, such as acne - doctors can clear that up easier than you would think. Is is possible for your family to send you to a counselor? If so, I would think about that too, especially if you're thinking of hurting yourself.

    Hang in there, and keep posting!
     
  3. AaronMusicLA

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    Yes i am very close to my mum and most of my family my mum and sister being the closest but i have no contact with people my age and i cant exactly say to them oh yeah i want a boyfriend they would be like :0
     
  4. Gravity

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    Well, maybe not about wanting a boyfriend - not yet anyway. :slight_smile: But could you tell your mom you're feeling self-conscious about your acne? Could you tell her you're feeling very down lately and would like to see a counselor of some type?

    It might not be a complete fix for everything happening right now, but even getting a bit of breathing room might be worth the effort, and being pro-active about things that are bothering you could help you feel a lot better just on its own.
     
  5. AaronMusicLA

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    what would you do about getting friends a youth club isnt worth it becoz all the people would be at school other than after school hmmm weekends i guess would they want anything to do with me
     
  6. ForceAndVerve

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    Of course they would be ":0" but that's just the initial reaction. I'm sure they will be understand and supportive!

    I was like you when I was in secondary school, I was pretty much a loner, and I would spend months away from school blaming my eczema when in reality I just didn't want to go. I always felt like people were singling me out, or staring at me etc. Like you, I was even put in a small room in a different part of the school where I could study. But it was not real school work. They just didn't have any procedure or recourses to allow me to be taught separately.

    Fortunately I was not bullied at school though, But none the less I did suffer from VERY low confidence and was very shy.

    I managed to still get the grades needed to go to college so off I went, but I was still very introvert and usually spent my breaks in the library on the computers.

    But then I went to university and everything changed. I met a great bunch of guys who turns out enjoyed doing the same things as me. I spent 3 great years living with them and by the time I left uni I was far more confident and outgoing.

    I guess I'm trying to give you hope with my little story that things can change for the better and you can meet new people and become friends. You won't be stuck in school with the bullies forever.

    You wont just Photoshop friends and a boyfriend into your life, you have to get out, do things, meet new people. If maybe doing things by yourself is hard , then try going out with your family and doing new things with them. Find out what interests you then go find people that like doing the same things.

    Acne and being skinny can be remedied in time, but your should really concentrate on telling your family how your feeling and getting out of the house and doing things, you'll feel so much better.

    Just remember, we are all here for you even if we are just "internet people" so don't be afraid. (*hug*)
     
  7. RainDreamer

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    I don't know if I can be much help due to my limited online time, but I will try, at the least, to listen to you when ever I can.

    Now, first thing first, you need to calm down. Give yourself time before acting. You are just 15 now, and that means you still have time to think. Don't look to far in the future yet, just plan out what you can do in steps, then just focus on each step individually, you will find it easier to handle, no matter how complicate it might become. If you truly feel like suiciding, then put a condition to it and bind yourself to it. What I did was making a contract with myself, stating that I have to save 100 lives before I have the right to kill myself. That bought me enough time to find a way to reorganize myself and crawl out of despair, while doing good to people.

    And as for school, you have to go to school. No matter who you are, what your gender or sexual orientation is, a person with education will be more respected and taken more seriously than a person without. If you have a good education and a good job, being a productive member in society, no one can say anything bad about you even if your sexual orientation is different than the norm. But you don't have to go back to the old school, of course, if you feel uncomfortable about it. Try to find a school with support for LGBT, or just find a way to hide yourself while at a new school. Restart your life.

    For friends, start from the ones close to you. Your mother and sister can be your best friends, as they are family. Ask them for help, and don't be embarrassed about it, because you are in a position that truly require help from others. See if they can take you to places, party or such, and meet new people. From my experiences, making adult friends are much easier, since they can withhold their prejudice and accept you. And once you expand your network, you can meet people your age, maybe the children of your adult friends, for example.

    As for a romantic partner, be patient. You are just 15, and I am not saying that you shouldn't have a boyfriend at 15, I am just saying that you are not going to die of any natural causes soon and you still have a long time to look for one. Start by making friends first, then you can look for a boyfriend from those friends you made, it is safer that way. And for whatever reason, do not, I repeat, DO NOT blindly trust anyone that you haven't know well. You are in a vulnerable position, and anyone with malicious intents can use this over you and take advantage of you.
     
  8. AaronMusicLA

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    so are you all saying i should try going out to clubs and stuff like dance i really want to but im scared youth clubs and dance clubs scare me

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 10:27 PM ----------

    im scared i will walk in and they will be yo FAG :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 10:31 PM ----------

    hmmm the thing is im not aloud to go back to school until college i have to be home tutored they said no worries about my grades they will be fine as long as i study wich i will its the social thing thats my issue i know what i want to do with my life. And how do you know who takes advantage of you because i can see myself falling for just about anyone
     
  9. RainDreamer

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    Find a new place. Begin a new life. You don't have to go to another city or anything, just try places you have not been yet. How about a book club? Take a Yoga class? Go to a workshop? Take a part time job? You can find friends from more places than you think. I would personally recommend a book club - people there are usually sophisticated and well educated, which mean they are less likely to make fun of your orientation. Best of luck. :icon_bigg

    Then it is no problem with the school then. For the social side, try my suggestion above.

    As for knowing about who takes advantage of you, think about what it means to be in a relationship. It is not just about blindingly giving everything to the other without asking anything back, it is about respect. See if your partner actually acknowledge that you are a full human being, and loves you the way you are, rather than just something to be used and thrown away when not needed. See if your partner willingly give you time and space to be yourself, and not to be an attachment to them. See if you can, honestly, be more than yourself when you are with them, instead of feeling like being trapped. It will be hard, and you will most likely fail a few times before finding someone for you, but it is a part of the process, and when you find that special someone, it will be totally worth it.
     
    #9 RainDreamer, Aug 24, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2012
  10. AaronMusicLA

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    hmmm the thing is im not aloud to go back to school until college i have to be home tutored they said no worries about my grades they will be fine as long as i study wich i will its the social thing thats my issue i know what i want to do with my life. And how do you know who takes advantage of you because i can see myself falling for just about anyone

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 10:43 PM ----------

    i understand thanks for that advise i hope no body takes advantage of me

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 10:44 PM ----------

    ok thanks i hope no body takes advantage of your really helpful
     
  11. Brody

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    You shouldnt kill yourself i have been through the same thing i wanted to do the same thing i would cut to but i can help you through this so pm me
     
  12. TalkDTalk

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    Dear AaronMusicLA,

    the most beautiful situation in Life is finding yourself in a challenging situation, and then finding people who really care for you to help you comfortably out of that situation.These are the people you have here.

    Take time and go through all the advice you have got in this thread, especially that of Gravity, ForceandVerve and RainDreamer.I call those words of thiers 'golden words'.

    If you do follow them, you will come out 'Tops'.


    The chance to make the best of your life, to provide yourself a very very bright future, is all in your hands.

    You have made me so glad to hear that you are close to your Mum & Sister.

    They are the authentic true friends who will never lie to you.Becos all they are after, is your best.

    My great success in Life today is my extreme closeness to my family.

    With Parents, wow! the things you learn from them, money cant buy it.

    You gain so much wisdom....so so so much from them.

    Trust me, you are so lucky to be close to your Mum.

    Go straight to her, find a good time,tell her to fix a convenient hour for you both to talk.

    Then go from stage to stage explaining all your challenges.

    You will be shocked how solutions and suggestions will start coming.....bit.....by......bit.

    Also tell her this after the discussion....'Mum, from now on, I need you to be checking on me on the progress I am making in these areas'

    Your Mum will be shocked by your maturity....and she will definitely and happily be guiding you.

    I come from a family of counsellors, so I never had problems from high school,college,Higher institutions,Youth service, down to my working for my government now.

    Everything has just been smooth-sail for me.

    My secret was I my Mum down precisely 23years ago i.e 1989 (was just about rounding up my primary sch) and talked to her, that I observed that I do not have friends.

    We discussed it extensively, and after that, I kept coming back to her every 3 months to give her the updates.

    This continued till I graduated from the university 7years ago; and thinks became much better.Becos she involved me in so much work, computer training, charity and even my church children teachings.

    I just saw that everything became so beautiful.

    I remind her till now, how she helped me right from my elementary shool days.

    Am so happy once again that you have a family you can call your own. Hold them tight.

    They will help you discover who you are.

    With that, you will soon discover that you are so damn busy, people will now be looking for you to spend time with them.

    I want to see a situation in the nearest future where you will laugh all this worries off, as once a phase in your life.Then you will then be in a comfortable situation to now advice people and say

    'I was once there'.

    Have a bessed Day

    TalkDTalk

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2012 at 04:32 PM ----------

    ....I observed a place I omitted a word...

    meant to say

    .....My secret was I sat my Mum down precisely 23years ago i.e 1989 (was just about rounding up my primary sch) and talked to her, that I observed that I do not have friends.
     
  13. silkfrog1292

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    Hi! Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    It seems you're in a really rough patch right now, facing a dilemna between wanting to go back to school but at the same time being deathly scared of being bullied and/or alienated. (*hug*)

    As you said, you've got no problem with schooling at home, it's the uncertainty you're going to face in the future and social anxiety that's scaring you. I may be wrong, but haven't you posted previously that you will be going straight to college soon? If this is the case, then there's nothing to worry about. University environment is very different from that of a secondary school, and as such the social dynamics would also be much more varied and/or accepting than that of, say a local high school.

    You'll be leaving for a new environment and a new chapter of your life. As for what you want to do with your life, i can assure you that many grown ups don't even know that themselves. You just need more time to explore and learn about yourself.

    Finally, I can sympathise with you when you said that "you can see yourself just about falling for anyone". A few months back i felt the same way as well. I was isolated and my emotions has been suppressed for so long that anything that would only cause emotional ripples in others became overwhelming tidal waves for me. It seems i was crushing on every guy in the street at once :roflmao: But as time pass, these feelings would subside and you'll return to normal. It's a natural process, and you shouldn't feel too down about it.


    Hope this helps :lol:
     
  14. AaronMusicLA

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    yes but college is a whole year away im only entering year 11 in england