Hey, EC! It has been a while! I came out about one year ago. I told my first person in the end of July 2011, and was pretty much out to everyone, parents included, by December. This community was immensely important in that process. Since them, I've been exploring news aspects of my life. I'm a 20 y.o. gay, morally liberal university student in a city with a great gay life, so I figure that, if there is any time of life when I can allow myself a few excesses, this is it. I'm still careful — I don't do drugs, for example, and I take the uni very seriously — but as I said, I've been exploring quite a bit, especially sexually. Up until now, I've been having the time of my life. This last year was the best in my life since I was a kid. I am a very happy person, but, recently, a few things have started to concern me a bit. I've always considered myself a bit of a romantic. Before coming out, I used to have these huge crushes on guys, and think that once I came out, if I ever did, I'd be a faithful boyfriend to someone. This hasn't happened. I had a couple of crushes after coming out, but none of them worked out, in both cases due to the other guy not being as interested as I was. Lately I've been thinking that that might not be purely incidental, and that I'm more inclined to like someone when they are hard to get. Worse yet, I start losing my interest if the other person comes after me. Last week, for example, I hooked up with this cute guy. I was very much into him. He's my type, interesting, caring and intelligent. I saw him twice, first at a party, then at my house, when we watched a film (cutely cuddling), both of which were followed by sex (which was good, but not amazing). He has since started showing a lot of interest, and I've noticed that my own interest in him has dwindled. I also miss the thrill of flirting with other people, which I find, in itself, very satisfying. All of that is okay for now, but I really hope it changes with time. I couldn't ever have a meaningful relationship if I start losing interest once the other guy starts showing it. I don't need a meaningful relationship right now, but I think I will in a couple of years. I'd like to settle down and form a family someday. Also, there is a more practical issue: although I don't go out blatantly hunting guys for sex, I go to parties sometimes, like pretty much any normal university student, where I hook up with guys, usually leading to sex. That has made me somewhat promiscuous. I think I must have sex with some 3-4 different guys a month, which amounts to alarming 35-50-ish guys a year. That carries risk. I take care of myself. I've never had penetration without a condom, for example, but I don't use it for oral sex, and that is not entirely risk-free. So, I'd like to know from you, both more experienced gay guys who had similar issues and possibly people with psychological training: do you think that this kind of behaviour is normal for someone who has just come out and wants to explore — and should, with time, change, as I grow more mature — or it might be something more serious? Did you, yourselves, experience something similar? Thanks!
Bump. Sorry for doing this. I know it's not a very good practice. I promise I'll let this thread die if nobody answers it this time.
I'm surprized that no one has replied yet. If you still have a problem I dont see a problem in bumping it. I think I can related to what you are describing. I cannot say that I lose interest in the people I'm with, personally, but I can relate to the feeling of promiscuity. I myself see the factor of love during intimacy as being amazing, but it is not something that I honestly need. I often wonder what this may bring up in the future. I have a weakness to the idea of being desired, despite being deemed as quite attractive by most. At first I didnt think I would have a problem being in your postion, but I think I would be wary of 35-50 guys a year. Not because I would think anything less of myself, but it would be a little frightening when you think about it. Since you said that you dont seek these guys, are they the ones seeking you? Coming from a pyschological stand point you are not alone. Many people show the uninterest in a relationship, flirting, promiscuity. Its often a coping mechanism for insecurity. In cases where the persons feels unattractive they outwardly seek attention. However, the people who consciously or unconsciously are aware that they are attractive, do not seek attention, but find it difficult to turn it down once it is there. Hypothetically speaking, if you did fall into this category than it would make sense. Your first moments of a relationship are amazing because you are in love with that fact that they love you. However, overtime you begin to lose interest in them because you were more drawn to the idea of them than them in reality. You dont outwardly seek men, because you arent physically promiscuous, but more emotionally. This would of course raise questions, because you could not be interested in him because you never really were, or you could just have to deal with some personal issues first. Only you can know which it is. You should ask yourself is it usually you who initaites things. Are you really attracted to them or their attraction to you. There isnt much definitive advise in here, but it just something to consider.
I think Gen has the right idea. If you think that it applies to you, then I would look more into getting your self-esteem boosts from another source that isn't flirting with guys and getting them to mess around/be cute with you. I do think its quite common for people just coming out of the closet, though. I personally went through something very similar right after I started coming out. Flirting with different guys was exciting and fun, but I would get bored of people very easily and fast. I was concerned of STDs tho, so I would usually try to get a couple of people as my fuck buddies and with the rest I woudn't go beyond making out. Doesn't sound too glamorous, but to me it was safer. Either way, at the end I got tired and bored of the whole thing. Then I really got into some soul searching and started working on my self-esteem. With time I got to a place where I could finally find someone who I truly liked, and not just their attention/body, and I haven't gotten bored just yet With that being said, I don't want you to feel that you must "fix" it now else you will be doomed, but I would think about it. Being with so many people a month can lead to some serious consequences. Just be safe
