How to keep things to youself?

I have always believe it is better to let things out than to keep them in, but sometimes , the situation requires me to stay quiet,such as the case with my aunt's family.

I am currently living with my aunt as I am studying abroad and she is the one that is living closet to my university in this country. I cannot move out yet, as my mother worries that being who I am now, I can be taken advantage of by the wrong people, so she says it is better if I can be with family members, because even if they don't accept me as who I am, they still have responsibilities as family to take care of me.

But the thing is, my aunt and her family are Catholic, and most likely not being suportive of LGBT (never heard them speak about it seriously, just jokes that I don't like). They have not know about my true gender yet, and I do not intent to let them know as long as I still live with them as this would surely make things uncomfortable between us. Still, I often unconciously act like a girl, or sometimes shows interest of girly things, and most reccently, sharing the skin care products of my female cousin (I use the excuse of being metrosexual).

And in those times, my aunt and sometimes other member of the family remind me that it is unmanly for me to do so, and I should act like a "real" man. I despite that. Every time I hear them, or anyone actually, saying such things, I feel like they are trying to imprison me again, trying to chain me in with this body. I feel so much anger, rage and disappointment. I feel like screaming with all my lungs into their faces "I AM A GIRL!".

But for now, all I can do is just making a fake smile, put on the mask of a liberal art student rebel, making comments about breaking society's gender roles and such (not that I don't believe in what I am saying, but it is still not letting out my true feelings - that I am truly a girl, not just a guy with liberal mind). So far, it has been fine, and they find me a bit strange, but saying nothing about it. However, I can feel the anger in me building up, and the feel of being oppressed is not going away. I don't want to tell them, at least not now, but I don't know how long I can hold this in.:bang:

What should I do?

 

Most likely till I finish university, which is about 3 more years.

I think I will go look for a counsellor this next school year as I join the LGBT group in my university, but even then I am not sure how much it would help, as I will rarely get freetime to go see a counsellor, as study, other clubs and work will take all my time.

As for letting my anger out through high-activity classes, I doubt it would work. The more tired I am, the less restrained I will be. I will most likely say things I will reget if I am not careful.

I did try meditation a while ago,and it did help a bit, but reccently I haven't been able to focus my mind after comming out to mom and now looking into the bumpy path from now to the time I finally become myself.

*sigh*

 

Geeky hobby sounds like a good idea. I used to write and draw a lot before, but stopped for some reasons reccently. I should try doing them again. Thanks for the advice.