I'm in my mid-fifties and I recently came out to my wife and a few others. EC and a close cadre of men that I met here were foundational in my evolution from closeted gay man to gay man. I am married and have decided to forge relationships with men (emotional and intellectual) and inform my wife of my actions. Many might think keep your dick in your pants and get a divorce then have your relationships. For some reason(s) Im not willing to wait. Has anyone here have experience with this issue? Dave
My first thought is that while you're in the relationship with your wife, such a decision (to forge emotional/intellectual relationships) should be collaborative rather than dictatorial. I'd suggest you think about how you'd want her to respond if your roles were reversed; I doubt, if you thought you were still in a relationship, that you'd be happy if she just up and said she was going to forge these relationships with other people, so you basically owe her the same courtesy. As far as not being willing to wait... that's a choice you can make, but it is one that comes with consequences of more than one kind. First, if you can cultivate a relatively civil end to the marriage, then the divorce will be a lot simpler and less acrimonious (not to mention less expensive, if lawyers become involved.) Second, you have to live with yourself, and if you care about the person you've spent the last however long married to, then simply going out and doing what you want because you don't feel like waiting isn't being very respectful to her or to the relationship you've had over the past years. I can understand the sense of not being willing to wait, but I think it might be good for you, emotionally and psychologically, to think about the actions, and the consequences, before you take them.
We have agreed to a divorce and it isn't acrimonious. Frankly if my gal had a relationship with someone else I would be relieved. Less guilt for certain. Our relationship is emotional, financial but not sexual and hasn't been for 6 years. I know this action closes a door probably and I guess I'm slamming it in her face. Yes? I have told her I'm seeing this guy and he seems really special and of course I'd like it to continue building, including sexual. Deep down I know it's a complicated choice and probably wrong but, I'm looking for justification. Darn you Chip!
I'm seeing my guy today and I plan on spending the night with him. I have not told Patrice and I am feeling like a shit. Probably should. With all the stress at home I'm looking for a way to lessen it. I need some breathing space and I really want to have sex. Maturity seems to be taking a minor role in this self-inflicted predicament. If there is a justification in going ahead with my plans I sure would like to hear of it. ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2012 at 02:00 PM ---------- An update: I did it. I told her and the outcome was loving. I still might not stay overnight but ar least she knows I want and might have sex. More later. Here's the later; Telling my gal about meeting Richard today was the right thing to do. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. Whether it's tolerance or compassion on my gals part I am not certain but I feel clean to have sex with a man today. I hope it happens. I am spring-loaded in the f**k position and the trip wire is set. I feel this incredible passion right now and my body is in this state of relief and excitement. ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2012 at 02:03 PM ---------- BTW, thanks Chip. The better part of me carried the day.
Well, I've never gone through a divorce, but I know how it feels to be fed up with waiting for a big life change. I will say I think you at least did the right thing by talking to her about it and giving her an opportunity to voice her opinions. Are you still living in the same home? If that is the case I really would advise you to wait until you at least are not living together, but like I said, I'm not in your shoes and its your decision to make.
Vulnerability is never easy, but it brings with it a whole new range of feelings and emotions, and, of course, the integrity that comes with making yourself vulnerable in this case can't help but feel good. It certainly helps that your wife is being helpful and supportive. I would suggest that it might be worthwhile to spend a few minutes with her when you get back and tell her how much she means to you as a friend. She's being very supportive, and my guess is that's got to be pretty difficult for her at this point; she likely feels both vulnerable and somewhat alone, so giving her your support would, I'm sure, be much appreciated.
We spent a few hours at the beach today talking about recent events and how sad she feels. How she still wants to travel with me again and, would like to rekindle a sexual relationship. She also asked a few questions about my guy and, our night together, that were tough and uncomfortable to answer. I mostly just let her talk but did answer some of her questions. I found myself wanting to set boundaries on some details as I feel answering them might create further hurt. I also feel that some issues that originate within my new male friendships should remain personal, maybe out of self-protection, but also another reason which I have not identified yet. I might add that today (Monday) which has been calm and supportive followed a hysterical day of emotions yesterday. Most of which were created by yours truly.
