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Mood Swings

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mad Man L, Aug 25, 2012.

  1. Mad Man L

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    Yeah, this isn't exactly relevant to issues regarding sexuality, but it's probably the only place I can ask for advice without having it negatively reflect on to real life, or cause problems IRL. Anyway, looking back on this year, I've been having very weird mood swings, which for the most part (well, when they're most pronounced) is during school terms.

    I can first trace the problem back to about late February/March. It was somewhere around here I began to get into a depressive rut, for seemingly no reason at all. I'm not sure whether it was a passing remark which set it off or not, but everything began to turn all dark, emotionally speaking. The worst point was when my best (female) friend hooked up (read: made out) with my straight crush, where I became really depressed for several days (to the point where it did interfere with school etc.) around mid-late March or so. After that, I spent a fair amount of time trying to repair our friendship, but this tale is seemingly a minor thing.

    This continued for about a month and a half until Easter or so, at which time I went on holiday. After that short holiday, I felt a lot better. I had most of April off, due school holidays and an illness right at the start of term.

    The end of April came, and I was acting negatively (as in, angrily/insulting etc., being bitter) towards my straight crush, for obvious reasons (he's also friends with my friends). May came, and I was told to drop it, and so I did. Well, publicly. Privately, I'd devised a plan. In short, it was to hook up (read: make out) with him while he was drunk. Very soon after devising it, I'd become fixated on it. Looking back on it, it was probably what made me happy for most of Term 2. I had also applied the plan as a metaphor to something else. The plan was more or less fuelled by my anger, it kept me happy and gave me a driving force in life.

    That lasted for quite a while, but those feelings tended to die down over the winter break (late June/early July) though. During that time, I was very bright, I was getting lots of work done, and very much enjoying life.

    Now, we came back to school around mid-July. And a few days into Term 3 (quite literally), I start becoming depressed again. No particular reason why (in fact, there was no reason at all, I had just recently had my birthday, gotten an iPhone etc.), much like the mood I was experiencing in late February/March. I just passed it off as something minor, just one of those things.

    In the last few weeks, though, I've started to crack. I've began discussing the analogy for aforementioned plan openly, only to lose hope in it days later. I've started to have random mood swings set off by minor things, or sometimes nothing at all, for no reason. My mood recently has begun to change by the day, with great highs and crushing lows. I'll go from having thoughts about running away from home/suicide to feeling really motivated, amazingly happy and creative all over a 24-48 hour period. I'll insult someone, only to regret it when I get home. I'll arrive home sometimes and I just want to break down crying. Other times, I want to collapse in a fit of anger and rage. Other times, I feel like the sun has risen and I'm on top of the world.

    Up until recently, I've been very good at hiding my emotions and my underlying mental/emotional instability. But these stronger mood swings are really starting to effect me a lot more than usual.

    The most frustrating thing is, though, being unable to trace it to anything.

    Additional Details:
    1. We have a counsellor at school, but I'm reluctant to go there. Not because they're conservative or anything, but I had some 'bullying issues' back in Year 10. The person who dealt with said issues now views me in a negative light, and that could reflect on me if I were to get counselling or anything further were to happen.
    2. I'm not out to my parents, and I really don't want to be at this point either. I don't want it to turn out to be a huge detail, and if my conservative grandmother finds out, I might as well run away now.
    3. The school I currently attend according to something I saw on the news tried to expel a lesbian student. They didn't succeed (for obvious reasons i.e. anti-discrimination law), but still, it's not something I like to think about.
    4. I'm in Year 12 (final year of schooling). Given the end is close, I'm wondering whether I should bother, given that it could impact negatively on my education, and its just another thing I don't want to deal with.

    I have no idea what's going on really, and I'm reluctant to open up to anybody in real life about it. I wanted to post this while I was still open to help, before I'd go off denying everything, pretending I don't have a problem. I like to think I left all my problems when I came out. I don't know where the happy days of 2011 and the start of 2012 have gone. It feels like 2010 all over again. I'm at war with myself, but it's not my sexuality, it's my own mind.

    I don't want people to see me like this. They think I'm psychotic, an attention whore, some kind of freak show, creepy. I wish I could hide it, but sometimes, I feel like I'm beyond the point of no return.
     
  2. turtlestyle

    turtlestyle Guest

    Are there any counselling services that you can use outside of school?

    If you don't know of any maybe you could try looking for something in your area online?

    ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2012 at 07:52 AM ----------

    Although your best bet would probably be to pm one of the advisors on here tbh.
     
  3. Pinstripe

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    First of all, I know how frustrating it can be when unwanted moods/depression come out of nowhere. But the fact that your moods are uncontrollable really leads me to believe this isn't something you should shrug off.

    I'm confused about your issues with going to the counselor. Isn't that supposed to be confidential? If at all possible, I think you should go, especially if you have no one to talk to or be a support in real life.

    In the mean time, I think it'd be good to find some sort of escape, like exercising, or playing an instrument if you're musical. Something activity that's going to help you be calm.
     
  4. Mad Man L

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    I'm not exactly sure whether it's confidential or not, that's the issue. The last time I went, I believe there was some communication between my parents/teachers dealing with the issue and the counsellor. But given that it was directly school related ('bullying'), that may be the reason why it wasn't confidential.

    My escape is a little park down by the river I found back during winter break. It's a fair walk away, but it's a nice part of our area.
     
  5. Pinstripe

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    Maybe you could go to the counselor and ask what would and wouldn't be confidential. I know confidentiality can be more of a gray area when you're a minor, and I'm not sure if things are different in Australia than they are in the US. But in order to be an effective counselor, there needs to be a level of trust between you two.

    I'm still a little confused as to who you think would think negatively of you if you went to the counselor.
     
  6. Mad Man L

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    In short, year level co-ordinator. And that's not a good thing.
     
  7. madanesor

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    I feel like I can sympathize with your situation a lot. I have also experienced mood swings over the past two years, where I go from randomly crying at the bus stop when I am sitting alone for no reason to having an almost giddy feeling the next day set off by the smallest thing (a friend asks me to hang out, I get a good mark, ect.). For me, a lot of this also centered around a straight crush who Im also very good friends with, and I think that pushed me deeper into depression. I know how frusterating and sad it can seem, for me it is often worse when I am either alone or near my crush, so I try to avoid situations like that and seek other people to be around. Although it is obviously hard to stay away from someone you care about, sometimes it is best to spend a week away and give my head a chance to cool down.

    I recently started reading a great book about living with being gay called the velvet rage. It talks about how a lot of gay (or in your case bi) men experience mood swings and frusteration towards situations that don't call for it. It is a great book I would definitely recommend picking it up, but Ill summarize what it says about this issue here. Now this may apply more to me than you (at the time when I felt these mood swings worst I was not out) but n everyone life they try to seek validation for themselves, and people to accept them for who they are and love them. As people who are hiding parts of themselves (you to your family, me at that point to everyone) even when we are loved or validated, we are not presenting our true selves to others, so the validation we receive is not real. IE your parents can tell you they love you or are proud of you (I don't know your relationship but I hope they do tell you this) but you know in your heart that it is not the true you that they love and are proud of. This can lead to anger, shame and frustration internally, which can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts or feelings especially related to things involving your sexuality (such as when you are around your crush).

    When I read this part of the book it really resonated with me because I realized I definitely felt that way. Now I am working on accepting who I am, and getting validated for my real self. It is a hard journey but I hope it is worth it in the end. Do you think this may be one of the things causing the mood swings? Books are great because you can read them in private :slight_smile:
     
  8. Mad Man L

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    I think things associated with my straight crush could be possible triggers for it, given that I don't see him during holidays, and that is when they're at their least significant.

    Right now, I'm feeling REALLY REALLY happy. Like, amazing. I haven't felt this good in months, this has to be one of my stronger happy swings. I don't know how in damn hell it started, I had an exam today which I should have been shitting myself over, but instead I was skipping my way to school.