This may be a bit long, but i just really have to at least get the words down, so i apologise straight away for wasting anyones time. Basically, a week ago i decided to try and come out to my mum. I hadn't seen her in a month or so, mainly because ive distanced myself from most of the family because of having to perpetuate the lie and pretend im not gay. So i went round for dinner, i had good news to tell her, that i had got a job promotion at work, and i was going to piggyback off of that news and break it to her that her only child is gay. I spent the entire evening trying to get the words out to her but every time i went to say the words, my throat would just close up and i couldn't do it. Then throughout the night, mum would just be herself and mention how i need to find myself some rich woman, how i need to have grandchildren, she criticised my chinos and said i need to be careful that i dont look too much like a "poof". None of this was helping me with the coming out, i was getting angrier and angrier with myself, made worse with my housemates encouraging me via text (im out to my housemates). By the end of the night i had had enough and just left, i felt all kinds of things at once. I felt like i had disappointed myself and my friends, i felt angry that i was such a coward but mostly i felt numb. I felt upset but i couldn't do anything about it, i thought that if i just had a good cry that i'd feel better, but it just wouldn't happen. I ended up punching a wall in anger and doing some pretty nasty damage to my knuckles. After this day, i've spent the entire week being a miserable shit. I've not talked to anyone unnecessarily, i've barely eaten, i've smoked more. You know, clear signs of depression. I actually managed to lose about 6lbs this week, which is quite drastic, but i do need to lose abit of chub. Well thursday came around and i felt the lowest i have felt in a long time, the 23rd August was when i came out to my flatmates and they have affectionately termed it "G Day". I wanted so much to have at least told one more person in an entire year of being out, but i failed. I didnt eat a thing that day, just didnt have the appetite. I have this friend, i'll call her B, She is more than a friend really, she is like a second mum to me. She was there for me when my mum kicked me out, when my dad was passed out stoned, she has never forgotten my birthday, she is just amazing and i love her to pieces. I went round her house yesterday to tell her about my promotion and we ended up drinking 2 litres of vodka to celebrate. Well around 5am i managed to finally choke out the words to her "B, i need to tell you something, if i dont, i will hate myself, basically, im gay" B started crying. B is just a crier though, she was happy that i'd told her but was concerned that it took me so long. We spent the next hour talking and i told her how much i hated what i am, and she was trying to convince me that i am perfect and i should be proud. I always knew B would be great about it, her father left the country when she was young, so when she got married her best friend, who is a lesbian, walked her down the aisle. B is an ageing hippy who believes everyone has the right to love and be loved. So it was completely safe me telling her. But my problem now is, i still feel miserable. I feel like i have made a mistake in telling her. I have seen other peoples coming out stories that they had felt a massive high and were happy. I just feel like shit (nothing to do with drinking for 11 hours) and i honestly dont see an end to the shit. I wasnt sure whether to put this in coming out or support/advice, because even though i came out, i need advice. Why am i still miserable? Did i do it wrong? Am i just always going to be miserable? I feel like i need to cry, but its just not there, i feel like i am physically unable to actually release my emotions and its doing my head in. Again, sorry about the longness of the post, i just needed to get my thoughts down in words and if someone reads it and has some sage advice, that would be most appreciated.
Maybe you still feel upset because you failed to tell your mom when you wanted to & she just crushed you down ? I think someday you can tell her. Whether she accepts you or not, you should be happy with you. You still have, B.
You're not wasting anybody's time. I understand what you mean about not feeling good after coming out. When I came out to my mother last September-ish, I was shaking afterwards. I was plagued with doubts -- what if I wasn't actually bi? What if she forced me to go to a straight camp? What if she treated me differently after? What if she never accepted me? What if... All of these made me wish I hadn't done it. I knew I couldn't take back what I had said and that I was certain it was true, but I just wanted to wait a while more -- I was 14 and not intending to have a relationship with a boy or a girl for another two years. I didn't feel elation, I felt regret. I still wonder sometimes if I should have waited. Currently Mum thinks I'm just confused; maybe when I'm older she'll see that I'm not. I avoid bringing up sexuality because I know it makes her uncomfortable, but I'm glad I told her. It means that in a few years she won't be able to claim it's a phase. I feel relief that I've gotten it out of the way; the second most awful conversation in my life so far is done. I'm glad that she has reacted quite well and that I don't have to hide who I am or fear that gossip about my sexuality will reach her before I want her to know. I know that my situation isn't comparable to yours, what with age and who I'm out to and so on, and I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to share because that coming out isn't always a pleasant experience followed with joy and laughter. But with time, the negative feelings can go away. You can tell her in your own time -- you are under no obligation or pressure to do so -- and I hope it goes well for you.
CTJ, don't worry about trying to rush things in order to meet any arbitrary goals for yourself. Coming out is a much more delicate process than say, trying to meet a year's sales quota. If you're not ready to come out to your mother, that's okay, you'll know when it is the right time. And don't be bothered by how you feel now after coming out. Unfortunately, a lot of people end up feeling regret or anxiety after coming out to someone, rather than the relief that was expected. I came out as bi to my mother a few months ago and while I felt a bit of relief, I felt a lot more regret and anxiety over what I had done. We both need to learn to let those feelings go. But you have B and you have your housemates (and you have us here!), so don't despair. I would suggest avoiding alcohol if you can though; while it might dull the pain in the short-term, alcohol is a depressant that will really make depression worse in the long-term, at least in my experience. Either way, remember, a lot of us are in the same boat you are, you are not alone.(*hug*)
I just want to stop feeling miserable, im just so tired of feeling this way. I'm supposed to be going out again tonight to celebrate my promotion, but i just feel too shit. If i go out im going to have to put on the happy face and drink more, which'll probably make me feel worse. But i have to go out, i always end up bailing for one reason or another and people will just end up not bothering to invite me out again.
I don't know about anyone else but I know one of the reasons I was on such a high when I first came out was because before hand I had already gotten myself in the mindset of the goal being to tell that one person (and no one else) and when I had achieved that I felt elated because I had been able to succeed in that goal, but had also felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders as had finally told someone - however before I achieved that there were many failed attempts at telling various people over the years and they left me felling like shit simply because I had failed at achieving those goals. When I came out to the second person (whom I knew beforehand) it was more of a meh feeling, I hadn't planned on coming out to him when that day started, and even five minutes before he asked I wasn't planning on doing so (although tbh I couldn't really deny it as we had been at Pride all day and his mates all assumed I was gay and I didn't bother to "correct" any of them!), so when it happened there wasn't really any pressure to feel or high to achieve. I'm guessing in your case you hadn't really put yourself under much specific pressure to tell B before hand and therefore there was no-specific high, and as you still hadn't achieved your main goal of telling your mum which is inevitably helping to bring you down. And as for the alcohol, if your down it can make you feel worse. The two best things I ever did was to decide to only ever drink it when I was out with my mates enjoying myself, and to go outside and enjoy the sun and fresh air - even a twenty minute walk listening to decent tuneage works wonders! When I had it when I was home alone it just made me over-think the negatives in everything. That being said having the odd (like 2 or 3 times a year) good quality ale with your tea out in the garden when you are feeling high can be quite nice! (&&&)
