Thank God I found this site. I've been looking for a place to ask questions, and this appears to be the perfect place. :icon_wink Don't take the wink face as an actual measurement of my mood, because I am not smiling. I'm 17, and have known that I was gay since I was 12. I never told anyone until two years ago, when I told my best friend. She had a crush on me, and I had to tell her that I wasn't interested. That moment changed my life. Now I'm a senior in a Christian private school, and I'm in some deep shit (pardon my French). As of today, about 10 of my class friends, my parents, and the school's headmaster and Dean of students know. Last year, I hit a low point: I was depressed, and needed an outlet to express my feelings. I was already writing poetry, so I decided to take it one step further: I wrote poems to a guy I had a HUGE crush on, and put them in his locker anonymously. Hindsight, it was a huge mistake, and it cost me so much. He found out it was me, and promptly told me that we needed to talk. He said that he wasn't gay, and it was very uncomfortable for him. I apologized profusely, but he had already painted me as a sick, perverted creep who wrote poems to all guys I liked. So he told the headmaster, who told the Dean of students, who now, 6 months later, called a meeting with me and my parents. They explained that the school does not support any "alternate lifestyle" than the "Christian lifestyle", and have given me an ultimatum: do NOT promote or discuss homosexuality with anyone, at school or not, and if I did so, I would face "further discipline", which probably entails suspension or expulsion. My mother is kind of the only person in my side of the ring at this point. My dad, while he says he loves me and would do anything for me, denounces homosexuality as a legitimate lifestyle and was basically echoing the headmaster during our "meeting". They all say that they love me, and want what's best for me. How is it, then, that I can't speak about the way I love? It really hurts, knowing that I am literally being watched everywhere: they have access to my Facebook, they are making sure that I don't actively promote the Obama campaign (which of course I do promote) and I feel like a Jew in a Nazi ghetto. Could someone please tell me how to move forward? I want to stay at the school, because I love it, except for this one huge flaw, but I find myself contemplating running away, fleeing to somewhere where I can be myself. It's driving me insane. By the way, I'm still Christian, but I have a much different view of Christianity than they do.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're in the right place. This is going to be a tough call. You can pretty much be assured that the entire school is going to know you're gay, and while Dallas is a pretty liberal place as far as Texas goes, it's still Texas, and so I'm guessing your school isn't filled with the most enlightened people, teachers or students. Surprisingly, even in the most otherwise backwater places, most people your age are actually fairly accepting, and we have the media and Glee and the like to thank for that... but even if people are accepting, if the administration is vehemently anti-gay, which it sounds like they are, even people who are accepting are going to keep their mouths shut and be unsupportive, because otherwise they, too, will come under fire. What this amounts to is institutionalized bullying, condoned at the highest levels. Unfortunately, it's also protected under Federal law since, until we get national anti-bullying laws passed, this bullying masquerades as religious freedom. So, realistically, you have a couple of choices that I can see: 1: Stay at your current school, keep a very low profile and play their game. The same dumbasses in the school administration who have no problem bullying kids for being who they are also are generally stupid enough to believe that people can change at the drop of a hat, so if you pretend to be straight, they'll probably buy it and leave you alone. This, of course, means that you can't date anybody, be yourself, voice your views, or anything else. But if the quality of the education and the positive benefits of the school outweigh the oppression of your self-expression, then it may be a reasonable choice. 2: Transfer to a different school, or go with home schooling. This could be a viable option. Homeschooling is only a good option if you are self-motivated. And you'd want to do a little research on whether the school you'd be transferring to is accepting of LGBT people. I know there are definitely schools in Dallas that are, but not sure which ones specifically. I really don't think there are many other options besides this at this point. As far as your dad goes, I'd just sort of lay low and buy time. He'll eventually come around, but for the moment, it's going to be hard to get him to realize that his viewpoint is outdated and wrong. Perhaps over time your mom can win him over, but expect that to take a bit of time. And... stick around here. There are lots and lots of people in your situation, and lots of great support. I and the rest of the advisor team are here to help and talk with you one-on-one if that would be helpful, just PM any of us if you'd like to do that.
I like Option 1, but like I said, the fact that I can't voice my own opinion and live on my own terms is practically driving me crazy. Option 2 is less viable than it appears at first glance. I'm not the most self-motivating person in the world, so homeschooling is out. Also, I have worked hard enough, and my parents have absolutely slaved away to get me in this school. To turn that down, and to walk away from it would be just as upsetting. Dallas, Texas, enlightened? Honey, you've got the wrong city. Besides Kessler Park and the Bishop Arts District, there are NO gay communities around here, and no support for those who live elsewhere. My school is elite, and having a diploma from there would really help me in terms of getting into the college I want. But is sacrificing my soul really worth that? But in regards to my friends, most people subconsciously know that I'm gay anyway. I'm kind of effeminate, I don't do sports, I'd much rather cheer on the sidelines. I'm also quite effervescent, and my personality just screams HOMOSEXUAL. 8 out of the 10 who do know are very supportive, I might have flat out bought a bus ticket to Mexico by now if it weren't for them. ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2012 at 01:46 AM ---------- But thank you for the advice, Chip. I'll certainly stick around here. It seems like a very loving, wonderful crowd around these forums. Anyone else have some advice?
While I am sure they are hoping that you will magically be straight if you try, it sounds to me like nobody is forcing you back into the closet. That is a small consolation, but better than it could be. If the subject ever comes up in the wrong setting could you just say something like, "Sorry, I am not allowed to promote or discuss homosexuality with anyone, or else I will be risking suspension or expulsion." That way you will be following their rules without completely submitting to them. Also, have you tried telling anyone what kind of toll all this is taking on you? Especially your parents? I think if they realized just what kind of cognitive contortions you are being put through they might think twice about what they ask you to do (or not do) when it comes to being truthful about who you are. After all, truth isn't always convenient or desirable.
Welcome to EC and I'm glad you found us too; it's a great place! I'm sorry you're stuck in this shitty situation. What college do you want to attend? I hope it's GLBT friendly. What I'm thinking is unless the program you want is super specialized it should be offered at many universities. In my experience, the college you attend isn't as important in getting a job once you graduate than your effort (GPA) and related work experience (internship, co-op, work study). I too thought the name of the university was a big deal when I was in high school, but it really isn't. Anyway, the point of all that rambling is that maybe going to another school wouldn't hurt your future career. I guess it depends if you can be reasonably happy for another year under their oppresion with the goal of getting to a college where you can have your freedom. Will you parents try to continue their control when it comes to college too? Threaten to withhold money, insist on a conservative college? At least you have EC and other online outlets to express your thoughts/feelings. Take care
My parents don't understand when I tell them. Since they are incapable of looking at it from my perspective, they think, "Oh, it's just a few more months." But they fail to see that I've been waiting for years to be myself. But I do like your notion on "following without submitting". ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2012 at 12:44 PM ---------- I have a short list of colleges, and I think most, if not all, of them would be fine with my sexuality. They're all in the South, but college campuses are pretty much the same anywhere nowadays. They all have Gay Straight Alliances, and I don't think that my parents would ever cut me off from my education, or force me to go somewhere I don't want to go.
College campuses are not all the same anywhere. Colleges in the south, on the whole, are more behind the times than ones on the east or west coast, and even than most in the midwest. But there are certainly some excellent schools in the south that are very accepting and liberal. I'd check all of them out pretty carefully in terms of their campus life for LGBT people. There are websites and books and reviews of excellent schools for acceptance of LGBT people and that's a place where I feel like it does make a HUGE difference, because so much of your adult socialization has a lot to do with the college you go to.
