Still so full of anxiety, but then again I've always had it so...I think that I'm the closest I've ever been to actually accepting that I'm gay. I guess theres not a defining moment where everything just fits perfectly, and you have an ah ha! moment. Is there a defining moment? because I'm usually either really down and depressed or super happy, but since I did step six with my sponsor, I'm two years in recovery, I've been kinda numb. I dont really know what I feel. Like I want someone to get into my head tell me whats goin on and this is what I need to do. I've struggled with my sexuality my whole life and me fighting it is like me telling myself that I know what I need better than God does. I'm not a religious person but since I came in recovery I have found a higher power and lately I'm sure that I have no Idea how to live because Ive been living trying to fix myself and I can't fix anything. The only way I'm alive anyway is surrendering and letting go. If I could have fixed myself then I would have along time ago, and I'd be perfect now.lol. But I'm still fighting a losing battle with myself. What am I suppossed to do to get over myself and let go, and surrender this fight and know that my HP will pull me through the pain, so that I can not let this be the focus in my life anymore, because I feel kinda like I'm not doing anything else but worrying and wondering how can I fix this. Mabye thats the problem I cant fix me, and I keep trying to. Own who you are, because my God loves who I am. How do I do that?
Just so everyone knows what we're talking about, the 12 steps are: I'm a little bit confused. Are you under the impression that God wants you to accept your sexuality, or that it is a defect you need him to remove? In terms of letting go: Stop trying not to be gay. You're gay. This is "accepting the things we cannot change." You cannot change your sexuality. And in the experience of all the gay people I have ever met, God never changes anyone's sexuality no matter how willing they are for that to happen; presuming the existence of a HP, as you do as part of your program, it can only mean that it is His will that gay people be gay. You cannot fix yourself regarding your sexuality, and God will not fix it either because you are not broken. Your sexuality is what it is meant to be. Stop fighting and accept that God has made you gay. If God has made you gay, trying to be straight is obviously a losing battle. You will only make yourself miserable. Where are you now, in your steps? Are you still at step 6?
I am saying it in terms of acceptance. I have tried my entire life to do anything to not be gay, with no success, and now is the time that somethings gotta give. like its affecting my sobriety because i cant live the same life i had before and with my sexuality im still living a lie, except for a few people, but mostly lying to myself. I have gone through the steps once with my first sponsor, and am going through them with my current sponsor, a little differently. ive been sober for 2 1/2 years.
Hey Josh. You didn't answer this question in my PM, so I'm going to ask it again here - because from where I sit it's pretty critical... Have you shared your questions about your orientation with your sponsor? With other people in your AA group? If not, it might be time. As I said before, if you're not being totally honest and open in your meetings and in your interactions with your sponsor, then you're not really being honest with yourself or anyone else. All the while you try to keep these different parts of your life separate you're not really working on the whole you. If you're in an large metropolitan area (like Atlanta) I'm SURE there will be AA meetings specifically for the LGBT community. There are also likely PFLAG meetings that have nothing to with AA, but would help you come to terms with your own orientation and make yourself feel better about yourself. As you work on step 6, it's isn't your orientation that you're going to ask your HP to change. It's your fears around your orientation. It's your insecurity. And yes, it's your self will that you need to surrender in order to accept that God made you exactly the way you are for a reason, and that there is nothing you can do to change it. Acceptance is key. Write to me again, or write back here, with your concerns and whatever else you're struggling with.
Hello, I would strongly advise you to try to acquaint yourself with some of the LGBTQ community. I think that this "ah ha" moment you are looking for, can sometimes be found by surrounding ourselves with like minded people. I agree with Jim that an LGBTQ AA would be a wonderful idea. I may be on a slightly different road then you, but I recently started going to a transgender support group and making transgender friends and I can't even begin to explain how much happier I feel. It was like always knowing something but finally have it "click." As for God, if there is a God, he wouldn't make you gay if that wasn't how he wanted you to be =) Best of luck (*hug*)
