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Rock bottom

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Eric88, Aug 26, 2012.

  1. Eric88

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    I just needed to vent so here I go. You’re going to be in for a long ride regarding a tale of the utter silliness of a desperate man so if you have something better to do, I suggest skipping this thread.

    I’m pushing 24 by the end of next month and I’m closeted, well, if counsellors, psychologists, and anonymous people from support groups (whom I’ve met face to face) don’t count. I’m pursuing my degree thousands of miles away from home in a foreign country.

    Last year I tried to commit suicide by swallowing 120 over-the-counter sleeping pills and half a bottle of vodka. The experience was nauseating to say the least. I chickened out 30 minutes after chugging those down and called the ambulance. My conversation with the emergency line was pretty funny now that I recalled it but I’ll leave that out. I was unconscious for more than 8 hours and when I woke up, my legs and hands were wobbly to the point that I can hold anything nor walk for a day. I felt really useless and impotent during my recovery period.

    After my discharge from the hospital, I was referred to multiple psychiatrists/psychologists/counsellors, you name it. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety due to my sexuality (mostly) and studies. Despite the treatment, I went into a serious social withdrawal and skipped a whole semester. It was only when my sponsors (I’m under full scholarship to pursue my studies here) and my parents came to visit me that I started to turn around and attend uni early this year. I completed my first semester of my final year without much difficulty and managed to get a high distinction average.

    However, now that I’m in my second semester, I have relapsed again into an even more serious social withdrawal. I did not attend uni for 4 weeks and did not even leave my room. I even switched off my lights to pretend that I’m not in my room (I live in a shared accommodation). The situation escalated to the point where my uni supervisor called the cops to check if I’m alive. They did and so, I had to answer my door.

    My parents came to visit me last week and will only be leaving by end of this week. My first impression when I saw their faces was a mixture of relief and anger. They are currently staying in my room so basically, I’m under constant surveillance. My mum suffers from schizophrenia so the fact that she came all the way to see me speaks volumes of the direness of my situation. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m a fully sponsored uni student, which is another way of saying that I’m poor, so it really breaks my heart to see my parents spend most of their savings to book a flight to come to see me. I really miss my mum so I was really happy to see her. Despite that, I just want them to go back asap and leave me alone.

    When I saw a counsellor last week, I managed to identify the causes of my severe social withdrawal and lack of enthusiasm in life:

    1. Sexuality depravity (closeted for more than 15 years and counting. FYI, I am way past the stage of self-loathing so it’s not that.)
    2. Fear of responsibility (afraid of completing my studies as I would have to return to my home country and find a job blah blah blah)
    3. Fear of success/failure (I was raised as a stereotypical overachieving Asian. I was the ‘golden boy’, the pride and joy of the family. I met all of my mum’s expectations except one because I’m gay. So, I started to give up on life in general and find it not worth living over the last few years)
    4. Lack of enthusiasm in living (as mentioned above, but not suicidal. Life, in general, just means so little to me right now.)
    5. Study related stress (due to extreme procrastination that developed around the time my mum started to suffer from schizophrenia and has aggravated over the years ever since. Now, I’m the epitome of procrastination)

    Currently, I’m also in a dilemma of whether I should come out to my parents right now since they’re here and they’re obviously worried about me. The problem is that I’m raised to be a perfectionist and it’s backfiring right now. . I always try to plan ahead so I prefer to come out only when I’m financially independent. I don’t feel like coming out to them because I don’t want them to disown me. As pathetic as it may sound, I feel like sobbing as I’m typing this but I can’t because I’m typing this in my uni library right now just to get away from my parents.

    However, I am very conflicted with my decision. I have actually made several attempts to implant some evidence in my house to implicate my sexuality. There are several books that I borrowed from the library regarding sexuality and they’re masked alongside 80 other library books in my room. Besides that, I know my mum is a fan of Ugly Betty (a tv series) so I tried to watch it with her to see a reaction when the gay characters are the centre of attention in some episodes. Her reaction was positive (she smiled during the cute parts) but it doesn’t actually indicate that she is okay if I’m gay but that’s as far I can dig out from her with an indirect approach.

    I know that my sis would have suspected that I was pretending to be straight for 24 freaking years because the university sent a letter back home regarding a late return notice just a few days ago and the list of books that I borrowed was included (along with the titles of the gay-related books). She hasn’t confronted me about it. I’m not sure if she told my dad about it.

    I have a feeling that my sister would be supportive of me because she loves gay love stories (hardcore fan) but her lack of confrontation after receiving the library letter left me questioning her stand on this matter. As for my mum, she always said that she loves me and I think she might be accepting too but who knows? My dad is my no.1 issue. I was raised traditionally in a country where LGBTs are frowned upon and persecuted by law. I was never close to my dad despite his recent attempts to make up for his lack of presence during my childhood after I received my scholarship to pursue my tertiary studies overseas. Besides that, he already has his hands full with my mum’s mental condition, so I didn’t want to add any more salt to the wound by coming out and embarrass him in front of my extended family. I’m pretty sure my aunts and uncles are homophobic based on their stark reactions regarding LGBTs. For example, when I revealed to my aunts that I chose to further my studies in Sydney (I chose Sydney because they’re LGBT-friendly supposedly), one of them said, “Watch out. There are a lot of gays in Sydney”. Enough said.

    To sum it all up, I was suicidal last year, had some therapy which removed my suicidal thoughts but not my social withdrawal. When my dad and sponsors confronted me early this year, I bounced back and attended semester one this year. After that, I withdrew socially again but it’s worse this time. Missed 4 weeks (and counting) of classes in semester two. Lack of any enthusiasm in life but not suicidal. Now both my parents came to visit me and I’m not sure if I should come out to them despite wanting to.

    Food for thought?
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! You've obviously been through a lot, and I can only sort of haphazardly suggest things. If they end up being way off base or way outside your comfort zone, just let me know.

    My main thought is this. You were suicidal to the point of actually attempting it, and being taken to the hospital. You had psychiatrists and counselors. And now you're going through another major down time, to the point when your parents had to fly out and stay with you.

    ...and yet, despite all this, you're still holding some cards to your chest. You've only told your counselors you're gay. Why is that? What's to be gained by keeping that info secret? You don't want your parents to feel less of you? They didn't think less of you when you went to the hospital or when you wouldn't come out of your room for weeks. In fact, they came out to visit you. I don't think they'll have any trouble with you being gay.

    My main feeling is that you've got a lot on your plate. And the more you can get rid of, the better. You've got enough going on that you don't need "I hope nobody finds out I'm gay" problems on top of all your other ones. It seems to me the best course of action is to simply come clean with everything. "This is what's going on, and now I have to work on getting on top of some of it." There doesn't seem to be anything to be gained by playing the "nothing's wrong" card anymore. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Gravity

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    I was going to say something similar to what Lex said, but I'll say it again anyway. :slight_smile: I think coming out would be a good idea. You give the impression that your sister and your mom at least would be pretty supportive - and again, if your dad was willing to come out and see you after everything else, being gay probably won't tip the scales. Obviously I don't know them for sure, but really, one less secret on your chest would probably make a big difference.

    My other question is - are you still in counseling, etc? If not, I would think seriously about starting it again (and your school may have some options). You know where this lead you last time, and you can already tell it's worse, so I don't see any reason not to begin seeing someone as soon as you can.

    As far as a couple of the specific sources of stress you mentioned:

    2) Do you necessarily have to return to your home country? Whether you're seeking further degrees or not, would it be possible to stay where you are? Have you talked to the international students office about this? They may be able to give you some ideas which, if nothing else, will give you the feeling of at least having a choice in your situation.

    3) I hear you on the fear of success/failure. My advice - find something academic to "fail" at, and fail it. Seriously. That can mean whatever you want - whether outright failing a class or just getting a B, or whatever. I had the same fears, but when I didn't do so hot in my first semester of college, it made me feel so much *better*. Perfection was out of the question, so after that I just did my best and forgot about it, and I ended up doing fine. Proving to yourself that failure is nothing to be afraid of can be an incredible thing.
     
  4. Eric88

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    @Gravity and Lex

    Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it, you have no idea.

    @Lex
    Well, I don't really know if they think less of me or not, when I wound up in the hospital or when I locked myself in the room. They still don't know that I attempted suicide and I'm planning to keep it that way. That card might prove useful to sway my dad's stand towards accepting my sexuality.

    As for coming out to my parents, I'm not sure about that. I'm very, very, very inclined to do it but the psychiatrist told me that I shouldn't be making any life changing decisions (such as coming out) in my current state of mind (ie. I just don't care what happens to me, everything becomes inconsequential to me). Anyway, I've implanted some telltale signs (ie. library books, as I have mentioned in my previous post) so I'm hoping that they might pick up on it on their own. That will save me the trouble to come out to them and besides that, those books might help them come to terms with it if they have problems with it in the first place.

    @Gravity
    Yes, I'm currently seeing a few certified practitioners (they just kept bouncing me around, first the uni counsellor, then the local health centre, and now I'm going to see a private practitioner who is well versed in dealing with people like me and he happens to be gay also). I even called GLCS (a local LGBT support group who runs free helplines for LGBT related issues) just an hour ago and talked my heart out (43 min). A few hours ago, I even talked to a psychiatrist about this and both GLCS and the psychiatrist feels strongly that I should seek a long term treatment with a private practitioner which is what I'm planning to do.

    I've also contacted other local LGBT support groups like twenty10 and ACON, and they recommended me to attend the biweekly gay group discussion sessions that GLCS hold. The next one is entitled "Are labels useful?". I'm planning to attend it. They also told me to give the uni LGBT society a shot. I'm a bit apprehensive about that.

    I have to return to my home country because I'm bound by the contract. I can choose to break it but that would incur a huge debt. I'm really leaning towards breaking it but from an objective point of view, that's pretty stupid.

    As for failing, trust me. I have my fair share of Bs and Cs over the past few years so 'failing' has become secondnatured, much to my chagrin. I don't like how indifferent I am towards getting poor grades. It's very uncharacteristic of me to adopt a lackadaisical approach towards pretty much everything including my studies. Nothing good is coming out of extreme procrastination which seems to be aggravated over time.

    Right now, I'm like the textbook definition of a guy who has given up everything in life and just can't be bothered about the future.

    If the 16 year old me (who was on the path towards a picture perfect future) is looking at the current me right now, he would scoff and spit in my face. Hey, if I have two heads, I would have done it myself.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Well, when I was discussing cards, I didn't mean to suggest you should be still playing, or attempting to "win". My thought is that you're in the Bob Dylan spot, and "when you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose". And I was thinking there's nothing to be lost at full disclosure at this point. Like I said, once you reveal that, you no longer have the "keeping this a secret" burden, thus lightening your load somewhat. Do your parents think you're just "going through a bit of a bad stretch", and you'll be set to be back to straight-As-and-brilliant-future by the time they head out of town in a week?

    That's not an uncommon stratagem - "coming out without coming out", if you will. But if you're leaving books around hoping they'll find them and connect the dots, you are in effect coming out to them, yes no? You're revealing your sexuality to them, in actions rather than words. I understand your psychiatrist's point about not making life-altering decisions - I once told somebody that when I was in depression, I tried not to make any decisions more drastic than "crunchy or soft taco?" But at the same time, I think the main focus should be "getting you out of the spot you're in now". And if that means altering or scuttling some of your original long-term plans, that might not be such a bad trade-off.

    Lex
     
  6. Eric88

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    I don't mean that I'm going to expose them all too right now. I'm just explaining my options (including the drastic ones).

    Yes, I think that's what my parents think. I can't blame them though because I have never given them any reason to believe otherwise. They kept asking me what's wrong and I just never tell them the truth. All they know is that I'm seeking help to fix this (psychologists etc.).
     
  7. Gravity

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    I'm glad to hear you are going to a variety of practitioners - as I was reading along I though, man, they need to just get him in with someone long term, and it turns out that's exactly what they're doing, so good. :slight_smile: Sometimes the bouncing around happens, but it's worth if it you find someone you can lean on for a while and you can relate to. I've seen a counselor that was also gay before and it was actually really nice.

    Stupid because it would cost you money, or stupid because it would make you unhappy? If it's not the latter, I'm guessing it's the former, and if staying where you are is something you're actually interested in, even when you're losing so much interest in other things in your life...it might be worth it. I have friends who have been in similar situations before (I'm guessing you're contracted with a business/government agency, and you owe them time and a half of work years when you get back?), and it is very possible to get out of if that's what you really want to do.

    Fair enough, on the low grades part, but in that case just try to keep focusing on the fact that you already have permission to be not perfect. :slight_smile: It may be uncharacteristic of you, but the world will keep turning, and you still have a chance to turn it around, even. You don't have to answer to anybody - even 16-year-old you. Heck, 16-year-old me would be shocked at a whole lot of things I do now...including dating men. :slight_smile:

    If you feel that way about yourself right now, though, that's another thing. I'm sorry to hear it, and I do hope you relax your strict expectations for yourself some time. You've clearly been dealing with a lot in recent years, and personally I think you're handling it pretty well. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

    On last question - what makes you apprehensive about trying out the lgbt group on campus?
     
  8. Eric88

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    Twenty10 and GLCS recommended me to see Dr. Paul Andrews:

    Paul Andrews - My background
    Paul Andrews - Australia | LinkedIn

    Since twenty10 asked me for my preference in terms of the practitioner's sexual orientation and gender, I'm assuming that Dr Andrews is gay also. His credentials and experience seem like just the person I need to be talking to.

    The former. But it's also stupid to return because my home country is homophobic and it's punishable by law. Thus, I would really love to stay in Sydney. However, I don't want to burden my parents with the debt (they are my guarantor) and they have been insisting time and again that I should return.

    It's just that I can't picture myself being myself, being ... gay, in my home country. Sydney, however, looks accommodating to people like me. It's definitely more LGBT friendly than my home country, that's for sure.

    I'm just so tired of pretending to be straight. It's not like I would have a dramatic overnight change after coming out, like putting make-up or anything (no offense intended whatsoever to those who do). I'll still be exactly the same, except when people ask me if I have a girlfriend or about my past relationships, I don't have to fake a story anymore. And I can freely express my attraction to men. That's all I'm hoping for, and that's not what my home country can offer compared to Sydney.

    It feels like if I came out a long time ago and found someone, I wouldn't be in this stage right now. I actually chose to study at Sydney because it's LGBT-friendly but the irony here is that I didn't actually come out for 5 whole years. It's ridiculous.

    The LGBT group on campus are most likely composed of people who are comfortable in their on skin. I'm not. I think that I might feel very left out. Btw, in case you forget, I'm way past the whole self-loathing stage so that's not the reason.

    Besides that, I'm still in the stage where I'm afraid to come out. By attending the LGBT group on campus, I'm risk exposure to people who might know me. I highly doubt that though because everyone in my faculty seem very straight. It's engineering, so you get the picture.
     
  9. Gravity

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    Well, coming out happens on completely individual timetables. Maybe you weren't ready 5 years ago. This, at least, is one thing that I believe you can not fail at in life - you do it when you're ready and at the speed you want.

    And honestly, if this is how you feel, I would look into the option of staying in Phoenix. Your parents may be your guarantors, but I'm sure you can work out some kind of payment schedule with them - assuming you're able to find a job or some other source of income, perhaps you could all pay it back together. As evidenced by their visits to come and see you, I'm sure they want you to be happy - and if this is the way for you, there may be more options to make it happen then you realize.

    Actually, many people in college lgbt groups may be in the exact same scenario you're in, or otherwise not (completely) out yet. Some people are, but they're not the only ones the groups are there for. People will also very often - almost always, in my experience - respect that not everyone is ready to be out, and act accordingly if they know you elsewhere on campus. Obviously I can't speak for people there, but it might be a great thing to try.
     
  10. Eric88

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    What/where is Phoenix? All my life here in Sydney, I've never heard of Phoenix.

    Anyway, my parents just left for the airport minutes ago and I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. I don't get teary eyed often in real life situations but now that my parents have left, I balling my eyes out right now.

    In the end, I did not muster enough courage to come out to them. They might have seen the books on sexuality hidden in my book stash but they did not talk to me about it. When they were flipping through the stash of books, I instantly stopped them before they reach those books so basically, I instinctively recoiled despite leaving those books there for them to find out on their own.

    My mum is very worried of me. Very. Despite that, I could not bring myself to tell her about my suicide attempt last year and the reasons behind the depression/social anxiety that I am facing since last year.

    I miss my parents already even though they have just left. *Sob*
     
  11. Lexington

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    Um...there?

    [​IMG]

    I ran into that comment by Gravity, and just thought "Oh, he's studying in Phoenix. I must have missed that." Apparently, you missed it, too. Not sure where that came from, then. I don't know if Sydney is where you are now, or where you're studying.

    Perhaps it'd be a good time to contact the counselor?

    Lex
     
  12. Eric88

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    Sydney is where I am now, studying. It's not my home country.

    Sorry, I assumed that when you mentioned Phoenix, you were referring to a place/organisation in Australia.

    My next appointment with a psychiatrist is on Tues but that will be the last session. The long term therapy begins on Wed with a psychotherapist. I have the option to call an LGBT support line by GLCS so I might call them tonight (they operate from 5.30pm to 9.30pm).