I'm almost 24 years old and I've never been in a relationship, had sex or fallen in love. I've had chances but never prospered. I feel abnormal but I'm at the point to where I'm numb. I feel the need for affection but I'm not sure how to break this cycle. Not a lot of people interest me. I suppose it's my fault for being choosey. What am I supposed to do? I'm a lonely person and it's taking over me. I have a fear of being single for the rest of my life. I have a problem. I don't have a problem with talking to girls and I can be flirtatious. However, when it comes down to getting involved, I choke. I end up misleading these women and I want to fulfill their fantasies but I have insecurities. I feel horrible and I blame myself because I could of had something good but my fears usually overcome my happiness. I've also been interested in someone lately. Someone from the past, kind of. Drives me insane. I don't see them in person but we've slightly communicated through Facebook. I had a thing for her way back when we were in elementary and now I feel like I know why I had some weird connection towards her back then. I don't know what to do. :bang:
First of all, let's clarify one thing - rather than "never gonna happen," it's just "hasn't happened yet." The difference is a subtle one, and there may be obstacles to overcome first, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. And you're not "behind" because you haven't been in a relationship yet - I have friends that started dating before, around, and after your age. And, for that matter, some who still haven't, but are planning to eventually. What is your social life like? I just ask because it seems like you get out and meet people, you just have a barrier regarding relationships. Do you experience any similar sort of anxiety around people who are just friends, or is this purely a romantic/sexual thing? What about this woman you're interested in now, from before? What do you think is creating this interest for her - does she simply meet your standards, or is the fact that you knew her from before kind of attractive to you on its own? I don't see any reason not to keep talking to her - do you get any impression of her feelings towards you/how she sees you? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to feel out the situation.
I'm somewhat of a homebody. I live in a small town and have a group of friends. I like focusing my time on college but if there are local parties, I'll attend sometimes. I can be socially awkward sometimes, reason being a quiet person. I'm quiet but I can be talkative, I have a huge sense of sarcastic humor. However, I do actually have anxiety sometimes around people. It may be because I tend to think too much. I have trouble with my friendships also. I tend to become MIA for long periods of time, like months. Then, I reappear out of nowhere. I think it's horrible. But I do this because hanging out feels like a waste of time to me at times. Maybe, it's the crowd. People like their space but I need my space. I can't see friends all the time. I must sound like a horrible friend or like I hate human beings. Back then, she was attractive but I was just like, man, there's something about her beauty. Now, some ten years later, I decide to find her on FB. I add her. Messaged her. Kind of blew her off in an odd polite way - with a compliment. And she never responded to my last message, which was the last time I spoke to her. Which was in 2009. Weird, we stayed friends on FB. However never spoke again those 3 years. Facebook helps you learn about people in a sense. Some things I didn't know - her birthday's 4 days before mine. She majors in art, one of my hobbies. She came from Nor Cal, I have family out there. Her mom's a nurse, so is mine. Nursing is my major. What's this all mean? Am I supposed to be thinking about her the way I do.. :eusa_doh: She seems so complex though. Maybe, I'm thinking too much into it. Maybe, the universe is just full of coincidences that merely connects each and everyone of us in a way. :rolle: I really do appreciate the response. :icon_bigg
I don't think you sound like a horrible friend or like you hate human beings - you just have your own level of social interaction that you prefer. As long as you're comfortable with it, there's nothing wrong with that. Well, from the sounds of it, you haven't talked to her in three years, since you "blew her off," whatever that means (just using your words). Why did you blow her off? What was the compliment you used to do it? Do you think there's some sort of pattern to when you blow people off, such as a certain subject that comes up, or a certain point where they express a specific type of interest in you, whether romantic or otherwise? It might be helpful to make a list of the times this has happened and when, exactly, you disconnected from the situation. You might not be able to explain someone else's behavior, but the more up-front and self-aware you can be, well...who knows what you might learn? Ultimately, it can all probably mean whatever you want it to mean. Again, you're allowed to have whatever level of social interaction you want, as long as it isn't bothering you - it just seems like you want some type of intimacy with a person, but keep sabotaging it yourself. So if it bothers you, this might be worth some further scrutiny.
I blow people off because I'm afraid I'll get hurt. I want forever, or at least until I'm tired of you. Selfish, I know lol. Basically, if you can't stay for a while, don't bother nudging. I see relationships nowadays and a lot of people are together for the wrong reasons. Love is abused and relationships are overrated. One reason I won't be in one. I don't understand how certain people can weave their way in and out of relationships. I guess I'm old fashioned but when I'm interested in someone I'm also questioning forever not for now. It's hard to find people that want that but then, when I find them, I don't want it. Maybe, it's a psychological problem. I've never been in love but I've gotten my heart broken. I don't know what love is but I know it's powerful and it'll change you for the good or bad and sometimes, if you're fortunate enough, for both. It says you're 30 years old, I don't want to be nosey. I just want insight but what's love to you? Have you been in it? Now, maybe? How many times have you been? ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2012 at 01:07 AM ---------- I told her she could be a model. I don't know if it was a creepy thing to say considering I haven't talked to her in years. But I mean, girls always throw compliments like that around, y'know? I don't know what she thinks of me. She was the reason why I signed up for Facebook lol. First message, I was actually gonna be straight forward and ask if she liked girls because I had heard so, through old friends. And finally, confess I've had a crush on her. Should of done that but I was too chicken. Now I'll never know. Sorry, I'm rambling. I see posts on her Facebook that makes me feel like there subliminal messages about me. For example, I posted a music video of a certain artist. Week later, she posts a couple videos of the same artist (who she's never posted before). I also posted a humorous picture of me face timing with my cousin. My cousin had their mouth wide opened in the photo. Few days later she posts a photo of her and her friend - she has her mouth wide open. I keep rambling but I have no one to talk to about this. I don't tell my friends about this stuff.
I totally understand about old crushes, and finding them on Facebook. Part of what triggered me to finally come out to myself (at 28!!) was that I joined Facebook, and found the girl I had a crush on in high school on there. It was sort of an overwhelming experience. Mine is gay (not that that's surprising, I never did like a straight girl yet), but it eventually became clear that she won't be interested. Oh, well. It seems like you are having difficulty really connecting with people. You give a lot of reasons that you distance yourself from people, but really, the reason is almost certainly that you are afraid to be vulnerable, which is necessary for real intimacy. Whenever anyone gets close, you fear on some level that they might reject or hurt you, and so you distance yourself or push them away preemptively. Unfortunately, if you don't address the source of the problem, it will keep coming up in whatever relationship you might have. Even with this girl you're smitten with, if you go out with her, when she starts to get too close, you will distance yourself in some way. So, you need to get to the root of why you do that. This is why you blew her off--precisely because you like her so much, you had to distance yourself from her somehow. You even do this with your friends. Connections with people are worthwhile, even though they hurt sometimes. It's impossible to really connect with someone without allowing yourself to be vulnerable, without opening yourself up to the possibility that you might be hurt. You can still tell her about your crush, you know. It's not like she's gone. The whole purpose of Facebook is to connect you with other people. If she really didn't want to hear from you any more, she could have removed you from her friends list. Take an interest in her art, and chat with her a little. And then you can tell her about your crush from when you were kids. Or just ask her out, that would work too.
Well, yes, lots of people get into relationships for what appear to be the wrong reasons - but for that matter, just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was a failure, and just because you get into a situation for the wrong reason doesn't mean you won't find or learn something valuable there. Then again, lots of people also get into relationships for what you seem to think are the right reasons - you might just not be seeing them, but they are out there. To answer your question, yes, I have been in love. I don't know that I could say specifically how many times - not because I can't count them lol, just because sometimes it's difficult to tell. But I have been in two long-term relationships, one last lasted for eight years, and one that is still ongoing. I'm a "forever" kind of dating person too, and I've managed to find it twice now, so if nothing else, there's a bit of proof that it's still out there somewhere. I think Ianthe is right that you could talk to your crush if you wanted to. Point it out next time she posts a video you posted - if nothing else, you both have similar taste in music. Try getting back in touch with her - maybe you'll find yourself willing to talk about your feelings, and maybe you won't, but I don't see any reason not to get in touch at least. I know I always really like it when I suddenly hear from someone I haven't talked to in a while. Ramble away! Just a question, do you think this is something you would be able to talk to your friends about? Are you out to them at all, or is that not a possibility?
I just wanna message her and say, "You're like my SOULMATE. Where you been all my life?!" I'm sure she'll ignore it. ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2012 at 02:07 AM ---------- What's it like being in a relationship?
Well, maybe you might not start with the soulmate line. "Hey, how have you been?" could kick start a conversation just as well, with a lot less pressure. You could even ask her if her modelling career ever took off. :lol: I'm not sure how to describe being in a relationship - one of the things I always try to emphasize to people, though, is that it doesn't make your life better, just different. I happen to prefer relationship mode to non-relationship mode, but I've had long stretches of my life where I was single and quite happy, too. I guess it's just a lot of give and take, and is as rewarding as you make it. This all sounds really general, but I guess it's hard to be specific about something that people can take a lot of different ways. Just say hi to her. No reason to jump the gun at this point - see how she's doing.
I've Invited her to a party. She didn't respond. I feel like she's a busy person. Now that I think about it, I don't think I have the guts to see her face to face. I feel like she has a lot going on for her and I don't have much at the moment. We have certain connections but I don't think she'd be interested. Plus, she's into fashion and I believe she's always around gorgeous people. My competition would be a bunch of models. I think it's attractive that I knew her when we were young. Like, Gavity questioned. She was a childhood friend but only for a couple years, then moved back to her hometown. So I didn't know her for long but I feel like it means something. Funny, because I still have a note she wrote me back then. Is that creepy? I also remember writing her a four page letter but forgot what I had said.
I feel like I could have written your first paragraph, Stud. It describes my exact situation. I also feel the same way you do about the way relationships tend to be entered more and more often for selfish or superficial reasons rather than for the long-haul. But this isn't about them; it's about you. Ianthe is so right: You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Even though I've clearly never been in a relationship, I've learned enough from others' experiences to say that everyone who's ever been involved in at least one relationship has been hurt at one point or another. It's a choice between being perpetually alone because you're too afraid of being hurt or too focused on finding someone who fits your idea of a perfect partner (or both, as it seems to be in your case), or accepting that more likely than not your first (or second, or third, or nth...) relationship might not work out, and that you are in fact doing yourself a huge disfavor by limiting your choices. If I may be allowed to go on a slight tangent, in my personal opinion, it's not a good idea to go into anything with high expectations. It's much, much better, succeed or fail, if you go into something not expecting much, because then if you fail, it wouldn't be a huge disappointment, and if you succeed, the feeling will be amazing. This absolutely does not mean that you shouldn't work your ass off, but you go into something knowing what you know and no more, so if you fail after having tried your best, at least feel better about having tried than feel terrible for having failed.
I appreciate all your opinions. You all have a point. I completely agree. You must be vulnerable in order to be in a relationship. It makes sense because I hate being that person. A vulnerable one. I always try to stand my ground. I think I'm still learning and trying to understand that I have to let go and know I will get hurt. I have to realize it takes work and there are no perfect relationships. Which is another thing. Just like Chouchou, I've seen and learned from several relationships. Ones where they seem to always be fighting. This also keeps me away from commitment. Makes me wonder if it's even worth it. I just hope I don't keep on missing these opportunities to be in a potential one. Sometimes, I just want to find someone that I could hook up with but even I'm too prude for that. Sometimes, I just wanna fuck a girl. Aiming to please her. I had that chance too. Literally, she was in my bed but still didn't happen.
It's not creepy. I still have things like that that people gave me a long time ago. I don't really do anything with them, but they're there. Very, very true - part of being in a relationship involves getting hurt. Not even breaking up, but somewhere along the line you will hurt the other person, and you will get hurt. It's not pessimism, it's just reality - after all, a person can't hurt you if you don't care about them. But, for me at least, the rewards outweigh the occasional negatives.
