So this is essentially an update to a slightly older thread I had started. Here is a short recap of the story thus far... The story involves a person who I've developed feelings for in the process of building a friendship. This person happens to not only be a co-worker, but his dad owns the establishment. Not to mention he's over 5 years younger than me. I feel I have ample reason to at least question this person's sexuality, and have gotten the feeling more than once, that he may have some feelings for me. In the last thread I was given some great advice and have tried to adhere to what others have suggested. I am making sure to think logically and reasonably about everything, mostly to maintain job security, would hate to lose a job over a silly crush. Though there are times when I feel as if I actually love this person, which is strange to me, for I've been almost certain, for quite some time, that love is a made up thing. So, on to the actual update. Another bit of advice given to me, was to come out to this guy. This is something that was actually very easy for me, as my job is one of the few places where I am confidently out, at least when i wanna talk about it. No one that doesn't know me has ever guessed that I'm gay. Actually, many people don't believe me when I tell them. In this case I didn't directly come out to my friend, but was making several comments to another co-worker about it, whilst my friend sat next to me and listened to our conversation. initially there was no response. After a few minutes of talking and joking with my other co-worker, work continued as usual, though a few minutes after the conversation my other co-worker and the friend I'm currently interested in ended up on the subject of girls. Well, my very straight coworker brought up girls, no more than a few seconds into the conversation, my friend abruptly exited the conversation. That alone seemed odd. I sort of felt lost for a little while, I was hoping to see some sort of a response, positive or negative, from bringing up my sexuality, yet was left with nothing. Work continued to be work-like and kept everyone involved busy for quite awhile. On a few occasions, when given the chance, I found myself BSing with my friend, whom I like, like usual, as if I had never brought up my sexuality, least it seemed he didn't care. On to the end of my shift. I was done working and talking to a few other friends/coworkers (I don't know what to call them. I've known most the people I work with for over half a decade), along with the guy of interest. Once my departure was announced, my friend of interest walked up beside me and put his arm around me. (he's always been fairly open to friendly contact, usually just patting my back or my shoulder, not usually quite so intimate. more importantly was what I am almost certain he said to me at that time. We work in a bar, and being a Saturday evening it was quite noisy. I am almost positive, however, that I heard him say to me "I love you", somewhat under his breath. At the time it didn't even click with me, I simply stood there and continued talking to another person while my friends arm was around me. Then in sort of a daze, I found myself getting in my car and driving home, trying to put together what had happened, trying to make sure i heard what I thought I did. I know It's probably impossible to analyze a person's actions based on what some one writes about that person on the internet. I am the one who is friends with this guy, I should be trying to analyze and understand him, though I'm afraid my judgement is clouded by my feelings. Based on what I've haphazardly described, I would really appreciate others opinions on what this might all mean. thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this, and also to anyone who may offer input, or has helped already.
Do I have this right...? You worked at a bar. You're 25, the owner's son / relative is 20 and you have a crush on him. You don't know if he's straight or not. You're out as gay, but he still hasn't come out to you. You no longer work there, and on your last night you think that he told you that he loves you when he put his arm around you. So basically, here's what I'd say to all that... You've made it known that you're gay and you're cool with it, but he still hasn't come out to you. You need to go on the assumption, therefore, that he's straight. People come out when they're good and ready. You no longer work there, so there is no longer the awkwardness of him being related to your boss. If that's the case, then there's no harm in getting in touch with him and letting him know that you've always had a bit of a crush on him - and while it would have made it awkward while you were working together, you felt more comfortable telling him now because you think he's an awesome guy. (Now - you'd have to do that with absolutely NO expectations of him coming out to you or returning the comment.) Alternatively, you could simply get in touch and tell him that you miss his company and that you'd like to have a coffee some time. He might take the opportunity to come out to you away from his relative's workplace. He might confide in you that he likes you too. But he might not - and you have to be prepared for that.
You are mostly correct. I still work there however. Saturday night, as i was leaving for the night, was when I heard what maybe my mind made into "I love you". It was earlier that afternoon when I came out to him. I guess all I'm taking from that is that he's not at all bothered by the fact that I'm gay. I'm really trying hard to not read too far into these things, but I tend to try to find meaning behind all kinds of random little events. I will state now, that I've thoroughly thought through the possible ramifications of having a relationship with not just a coworker, but my boss's son. The awkwardness of the whole situation is probably quite different than what most people would imagine in a situation like mine though. I would consider my boss as more of a friend than an employer, and that's been the case for a couple years now. Don't get me wrong, though, there is still a sense of awkwardness, it is just trumped by how much I care for/about the guy in question. Honestly this guy himself is more awkward than the situation which, for some reason, I kind of like. I mean, most people consider this guy to be quite weird, which I have to admit is true, but I'm a rather weird guy myself, so no big deal. I unfortunately know that until I know for sure, I have to assume he is straight. I'm trying to maintain that thought, but I keep seeing reasons to doubt that. I know that probably isn't a healthy mindset as I may be making little signs out of nothing, but I guess I can't help it. Ultimately, I think your last sentence is probably key, in that I have to be prepared to hear that he doesn't like me or is straight, as much as I know I don't want to hear that. At this point I guess I just want to know one way or another. This is already causing me a sense of pain and finding out my intuitions were wrong would probably hurt, but at least it would be done and over with. Currently I'm stuck with a consistent sense of pain just from not knowing.
Im sorry for my chaotic, incoherent writing. I'm just no good at writing about my own feelings. At least about things like this. Heck I'm no good at figuring out my own feelings : ) I think what I should ask is for advice on how to overcome my own fear of actually hearing no... Honestly, after thinking about it more, I think I really am scared to death of knowing for certain that everything I feel is a hopeless impossibility. I've let myself do something I swore up and down I would never ever do again, fall for a guy before knowing if it's even possible for the feelings to be returned.
Haha yes, I submit that you must attempt to write with more clarity, less subjunctives, less double negatives, less adverbial phrases that cloud the story that you're actually trying to tell. Now, I agree with your own decision to stay on the safe side. When he is your bosses/friend's son, your judgment is what would traditionally be considered as good. I understand that in the gay community, sometimes, we make our own rules regarding what is appropriate and what isn't. Don't fall in love with the guy, hold on to your sanity, and best of luck. They say that ignorance is a bliss; in most cases, ignorance only leads to the suffering of consequential penalties for bad things that could be avoided. In this case, however, ignorance will allow you to move on. I'm sure you can find someone else who can act as your anti-crush.
After re-reading my original post I'm surprised anybody read the whole thing. I will definitely focus on clarity. My thoughts and feelings are currently clouding my mind haha. I think that, in some cases, certain unwritten "rules" can be more easily overlooked in the gay community. In my case, my morality determines my rules for appropriateness. By that i mean that all my intentions with this guy are nothing but good. What I want more than anything else is to have a positive impact on his life. Some part of me feels that, if things were to work out in a manner similar to my thoughts, that there would be a general feeling of acceptance from other involved parties. Maybe just false hope... I've been telling myself this whole time, "don't fall in love". Have I listened to myself? I don't really know. I don't know what love is, nor do I think it has a simple answer. Ignorance sounds so nice. That is until I think about what ignorance in general means, and remember it is the opposite of everything I strive for in life. All I'm saying is that if this guy happens to be gay and maybe returns some of my feelings, I really don't think I could just ignore it.
Fair enough. But if he's not out to you, then he's straight as far as you are concerned. All you can do is to continue to be out, open, honest, and positive about it at work. Be a role model. Does your boss know you're gay? Is he cool with it? If, with all that acceptance around your orientation, your friend isn't willing to come out, then it could very well be that he's not gay. And if he is, he has his own issues to deal with, and forcing him to deal with them before he's ready isn't going to be pretty. And he's certainly not going to be in a place where he could have a relationship with you. So I'm afraid you're just going to have to leave this alone. Look for companionship elsewhere. Are you dating? Seeing other people? Don't 'save yourself' for this guy, because he might pick up and walk out of your life at any moment, or get himself a girlfriend and get married - gay or not - leaving you with nothing still.
