Im 28 years old and have been dating a 21 year old guy for about 3 years. This has been my first real relationship with a guy. Im fairly out with most people about it at least family and friends. He has never told anyone about us or liking guys. He bought me an engagement ring a little over a year ago and things have been great. We just had a really great relationship without all the drama and stuff, and i felt really lucky to have found what i did and i wasnt even looking for it. We were friends for about 2 years before we went out for the last 3. This was the type of thing for me where cheating wasnt even an option when i had chances to cause i knew i had something that wasnt going to come around again. It wasnt just sex stuff he was my best friend. About a week ago he said we just needed to be friends and he was crying and really upset. He just kept saying he was so sorry. Two days later he said maybe we should stay together till he figures things out and said he was stressed from keeping this all a secret. The next day he called and said im not who you think i am and i like girls. Again he was crying really bad and said he hates himself. He then said we cant even be friends because he cant feel this way anymore, and hed just been pretending or trying to like me. I have no idea what to do i still love him and this was such a shock because things were so good. It sucks to be without your best friend. Does anyone have any ideas on what this means or what i should do from here? Is this something that happens sometimes when people arent out at all to anyone?
For some people, it really is hard to discover their sexuality. It can take years, and he may just have been mistaken, or he is trying to be straight. Some people try to be straight because its just too hard to come out; maybe out of fear of rejection or knowing rejection will come from their loved ones. If it makes you feel better, he definitely is feeling bad about this too because of you're breakup. He clearly feels bad about hurting you.
Do you know why he hasn't told anyone about you two or liking guys? Is it because they're homophobic or not accepting at all?
I think he is worried about what people will think but he used to say that he was pretty sure his mom and sister already know. It seemed like he was getting closer to finally telling people recently
It's hard to know whether he's gay, bisexual, or straight. He could be telling you the truth, he could be confused, he could be lying because he's panicking. We don't know, and even if he was here only he knows the truth. My suggestion is that you encourage him to get some professional help. He clearly feels bad about hurting you. If you want to try and salvage something out of this mess, my suggestion is to back off of the relationship. Be understanding and supportive. Let him know that it's okay, and that having the feelings he is having isn't wrong. Forgive him (it's pointless to hold a grudge), and tell him that you want to help him sort things out. Make sure he gets professional help, someone who is positive toward LGBT people. Is he very religious or something? Do you know if he's struggled with accepting being gay in the past?
This is really unfortunate and heart wrenching situation. I feel so sad that you're caught up in this. Still, if he was crying as he told you all this, then it's obvious, as hulu said, that he is feeling bad about it to some degree. Whatever you do, don't jump to conclusions. Sometimes that can be hard, I know. But there are so many different reasons that this might be happening, and until you find out why sudden change of heart has come about then it's going to be difficult to move on or find some sort of resolution. Any number of things are possible. Still, you need to have a discussion with him. Open and clear communication between you both is going to be very important in order to get through this with minimal damage to either party. I would think that having been together for three years, and being good friends for two years prior, that talking about this shouldn't be an issue. I hope not, for your sake. I am wishing you the best of luck. Know that. And be aware that we are all here for you, no matter how the end comes out. (*hug*)
This makes me feel that he is trying to be straight, because it doesnt make any sense. If he didnt have feelings for you, then he shouldnt have a problem being with you. It contradicts itselfs. That being said, you cant come to terms with his sexuality for him. It wouldnt have made sense for him to be in a relationship with you for this long and not enjoy it. You should ask him to talk with you about it. If he has been with you for 3 years and even gave you an engagement ring than, excuse me, but I believe you deserve an explanation. So I would sit down with him in person(privately would probably be better as it could get emotional) and ask him all of the questions you have. Why so abruptly? Why three years? Why the ring? Etc.
I have so many questions but maybe as hard as it will be i should leave him alone for awhile because the last time he called me crying he said he didnt even want to be friends at all anymore so i just dont know ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2012 at 12:27 PM ---------- I know an old friend of his that he grew up with and he told him when they were about 14 that if he ever thought he was gay he would kill himself which must mean he was thinking about it even back then
I'm really sorry for what you're going thorugh, and you've got to have the patience of a saint to stick with a deeply closeted person for years. That's not good for his self-esteem or for yours. Clearly something's happened for him. I am pretty confident the guy's gay based on what you've said -- nobody who's "questioning" does so for 7+ years and stays in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. But something has triggered his inability to accept himself. Perhaps you can encourage him to get therapy. It sounds like he desperately needs a professional to talk to. Not with the intention of getting back with you, but with the intention of finding out about himself and figuring out what's going on. Or maybe you can point him here, though if he's convinced he's not gay, he might not want to come onto a "gay" board. Please keep us informed about what happens.
Yes! I said the exact same things to my boyfriend when I wasn't out to anyone. Still say some of them, I guess, but it's definitely gotten better ever since I came out to someone. I know how hard this must be on you, but you have to understand that it's really hard on him as well. I just hope you won't give up no matter how hard it gets, because I'm so glad my boyfriend didn't, when that was definitely the easier way out. I agree that he should talk to someone, though, cause that's really the only thing that's gonna help him break though his self hate.
He's not comfortable with himself so he's playing these mind games. I know it'll hurt...but I think you need to let him go or give him that time. Because it's (the relationship and him being secure) definitely not happening right now...
Thanks for telling me that it helps and as much as i feel bad for me it was hard to see him like that. I remember when i told people 4 years ago it was hard. I went up to camp one night and while we were riding around in my truck i told him that i liked guys. I almost didnt i was throwup type nervous that night ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2012 at 03:47 PM ---------- I mean i told my friend up at camp that night
Re: help with boyfriend who says he likes girls now -update Hey everybody i decided a few weeks ago to write my ex boyfriend a letter because i thought that would be the best way that he would hear what i was saying. We're not talking at all right now anyways. I had my friend who knows him take him the letter and he did want it so i guess that was a good sign but i haven't heard anything from him yet. I don't really expect to for quite awhile because he has a long ways to go in regards to coming to terms with the whole liking guys thing. He really has convinced himself he only likes girls and thats all he ever liked. I told him in the letter i understood where he was because i was once there too but i don't think quite as bad. I told him i forgive him for everything but he has to figure this out on his own but that i would always be here if he needed anything or even just a friend to talk to about this stuff. I don't want to put pressure on him and now it's really his decision what happens from here. Obviously i hope things will work out, but i guess time will tell. I also found out he's just recently started doing a lot of drinking and some drugs which he was always so against. It's like he's changing everything about himself. I've been trying to just move on with my life and i guess i'm ok. I'm learning some new things and have met some new people. I figure it's what i have to do and if he is the right one than he'll eventually catch up. Does anyone have any ideas on what else i should do now with this situation? I'd really appreciate any thoughts.
I seems to me that you are doing everything right. The letter was a good idea, whether he decides to write back or not. Meeting new people is always great in these types of situations. You do have to live and move on, and just wish him the best. I think you're doing fine
