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My dad has disowned me.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Robin, Aug 27, 2012.

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  1. Robin

    Robin
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    I told my dad that I am gay two days ago. He wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how unhappy he was until I woke up today and my mom talked to me this morning.

    First she asked me if I actually wanted to hear what she was going to say. I said that I did, because I need to know what’s going on with my dad, and how he was coping.

    My brother had had a talk with my dad the previous night, and had recently called to tell my mom what my dad had said. My mom then told the entire story to me. But around all of the details, one thing was clear.

    He disowned me.

    I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t expected him to be that upset about it. Apparently my dad told my brother that our grandfather actually would have killed my dad (in all seriousness) if he had ever said something like that to him, and it sounded like my dad thought that that would be an okay response, which scared me terribly.

    On top of all of this, my dad says that he’s losing his faith in his religion, and he keeps calling me, leaving me the nicest messages on my answering machine, saying that we should get together and go do something some time. He admitted to my brother that these calls only sound nice because he’s trying to lure me into calling him so that he can yell at me.

    My mom and I have procedures set up now on when to call the police if he comes over, or harasses me. That’s how afraid I am. I have to keep telling myself that it’s not my fault, and that he’s responsible for his own feelings, but I’m feeling terrible right now. My dad and I have never really had a close relationship, and I’ve been expecting that there would come a time where I would never see him again.

    I guess that time has come.
     
    #1 Robin, Aug 27, 2012
  2. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    baby boy im so so sorry from the bottom of my heart
     
    #2 Mercy, Aug 27, 2012
  3. IllusiveRannoch

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    damn. (*hug*):kiss:
    i'm so sorry that happened. nobody should have to be afraid of their own parents. taking procedures regarding police protection is a good start. and you're right, it's not your fault he's a total douche, he is responsible for himself. from what it sounds like, i'd suggest staying away from him for safety reasons.
     
    #3 IllusiveRannoch, Aug 27, 2012
  4. BradThePug

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    Wow.. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds like your mom is helping you out, so that makes things a little better. I'm glad to hear that you have plans in place in case he does come and try to hurt/harass you. It's better to be safe than sorry.
     
    #4 BradThePug, Aug 27, 2012
  5. Vesper

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    As if getting disowned isn't bad enough by itself, he's also trying to make your life hell? What a small, pathetic man your "father" is. You aren't his to disown--he is yours to disown for treating his own flesh and blood like this for doing nothing wrong.

    I hope he's not a danger to any of your other family members either, since a guy who's capable of doing this to his son isn't too far away from doing this or worse to other family members should he find an excuse.

    Stay safe, stay in contact with your mother and brother, and don't let your dad near you under any circumstances.
     
    #5 Vesper, Aug 27, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2012
  6. Cloudbreaker

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    Stay strong, stay sharp, and stay safe. We are here to help you get through this. The truth can be tough for some people to take sometimes, but in the end I think honesty is still the best policy. You did nothing wrong and it is a shame you have to suffer for it, but it is your father who misses out by disowning you. Maybe in time he will realize that. Until then, hold fast and endure.
     
    #6 Cloudbreaker, Aug 27, 2012
  7. Rygirl

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    As if disowning you is bad enough he is now trying to trick you so he can abuse you some more? No disrespect to your family but he sounds like a class A wanker. I think you're better off away from him, at least you still have contact with your mother and brother right?
     
    #7 Rygirl, Aug 27, 2012
  8. fulcrum

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    This guy might be your biological father. But in all the ways that count, he is nothing to you. No real father will treat his own child like that. Stay safe.
     
    #8 fulcrum, Aug 27, 2012
  9. Iamthewalrus

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    My mother disowned me when I was 18 so I can imagine what you might be going through and although I'm not sure there's much I can offer you apart from my deepest sympathies I couldn't read and run. You need to take every offer of support that you have and not let go of it, believe me no good can come out of keeping everything to yourself. It sounds like your mum is supportive of you so I'd urge you to allow her to help you begin to come to terms with this, when I was in your position I couldn't think straight after all that had happened and my self worth was practically non-existent, I needed someone with a clearer head to pick me up and help me stop blaming myself. It sounds like you're doing a bit of that yourself and it will take time before you can fully take on board that your dad's reaction is not your fault but it will come. I know that it's a hard concept to fully understand if you haven't been through it but even though you didn't have a close relationship with your dad, the loss of that relationship can still be something that you need to grieve for - I know that my relationship with my mother was outright abusive at times but I still needed to grieve that loss.
     
    #9 Iamthewalrus, Aug 27, 2012
  10. Fugs

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    Wow that's horrible, I'm so so sorry honey. None of this is your fault you know.
    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
    #10 Fugs, Aug 27, 2012
  11. Lad123

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    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. I find it really devious how he makes his messages seem nice to lure you in! Of course your dad is going to agree with what your grandfather may have done, he has no concept of what gay is, and really needs to be educated.

    As others have said, its not your fault at all so please try to stop blaming yourself. Stay strong (*hug*)
     
    #11 Lad123, Aug 27, 2012
  12. ForceAndVerve

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    Waaa Robin. I know your relationship with your Father meant a lot to you. :frowning2:

    I wsh I could say more...

    (*hug*)
     
    #12 ForceAndVerve, Aug 27, 2012
  13. Chip

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    Honestly, I look at this a little bit differently. This could be something I just pulled out of my ass and be entirely wrong, but here's what I see:

    I see, from the little you've described about your dad, someone who is used to being in control over most every part of his life, and not being questioned. And now he's come upon a situation that's entirely out of his control.

    That's a situation that he isn't used to, and he doesn't know how to handle. So he's using the only coping mechanism he knows, which is to try and regain control in any way he can. So the first path is to try and get you to talk to him, and convince you why you're wrong, and you need to listen to him (thereby regaining control.)

    When that didn't work, the only other way he has of regaining any sort of control is to say "OK, I disown you." It's an act of control, not an act of contempt for you. And, of course, he's taken control of the situation from his perspective, but he's also desperately hoping that by taking such a drastic step, you'll "come to your senses" and be straight again.

    I don't have enough information about him to know if violence is something he's actually capable of. If he doesn't have any history of violent behavior, then I think you can probably assume that the violence is a byproduct of his being out of control; something he's not used to, and has no coping mechanism to handle, so uncontrolled anger is the result. But unless there's a history of violent or impulsive behavior, most people's impulse control will kick in and keep them from actually doing anything violent... unless alcohol or another drug is involved, or unless he has problems with impulse control.

    The fact he's questioning his religious beliefs also leads me to believe that he's in new territory in terms of his emotions, and feels out of control. So there, as well, he's trying to regain some level of control by throwing out something else that's apparently been important to him.

    So I think it's a wise idea to take precautions, but my guess (hope) is that there is no real worry of violence.

    Please keep us informed.
     
    #13 Chip, Aug 27, 2012
  14. Robin

    Robin
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    Well, that's the thing. The relationship could have meant a lot to me, but then I remember my childhood, and how he used to yell at me and my brother constantly until my mom came home, and how he used to send us outside in over a hundred degree weather for hours at a time so that he could play on his computer. I guess we never really had a relationship.

    ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2012 at 05:53 PM ----------
    My dad has no history of violence, but I'm starting to think he could snap. He did push my brother against a wall once when he was only a quarter as angry as he is now, and he would have done more if my brother hadn't grabbed a sword that we had on the wall and pointed it at him.

    As far as coping goes, my dad is extremely narcissistic. He needs constant approval from others in order to keep himself happy, and once someone denies him that approval, he becomes enraged and they become garbage to him. That's what's happening to me right now.
     
    #14 Robin, Aug 27, 2012
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    Oh dear.

    Well... given what you've said, it sounds like there may be some violent tendencies, and if your dad is clinically narcissistic, then unpredictable violent outbursts could be possible, as could permanent disowning.

    But the majority of people who are labeled "narcissistic" (without a formal clinical diagnosis) actually aren't; Brené Brown, in her about-to-come-out book, actually makes a pretty compelling case that many of the people in the current "culture of narcissism" are actually in extremely deep shame, and that dealing with the shame actually resolves the narcissistic patterns. Of course, the challenge is... getting these people to acknowledge how miserable they are, and their being willing to open up so that they can work on the issues.

    I think the best thing you can do at the moment is probably give it time and space and take the security precautions. I wouldn't rule out his eventually coming around; I think ultimately, his desire to keep his family in his life will be stronger than his narcissistic behaviors.
     
    #15 Chip, Aug 27, 2012
  16. Dummy

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    What exactly does he think? that he looks less of a "man" if his son is gay? Does it hurt his ego? Is it a sign to him that he was not a good "parent" and he can't accept it so he has to blame others? He looks less of a man by being (phycologicaly or physicaly) hurting a child. He is not a good parent because he can't love his child just the way it is. I f:***:ing hate homophobia.
     
    #16 Dummy, Aug 27, 2012
  17. biAnnika

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    Chip, I think you're dead-on with the control analysis.

    When we came out as a couple to my partner's parents, her father didn't *explicitly* disown her...but he has effectively done so. Every constructive contact she tries to effect, he'll listen to, in the vain hope that she's "come to her senses" finally...but when he hears that nothing has changed on our end, he'll either rant or shut down, and we won't hear anything from them until *she* initiates contact again with another attempt at constructive dialog.

    In other words, he has no power, so he waits for her to contact him. When he doesn't get what he wants, he goes back into "dormant" mode, hoping "she loves him enough" to change for him.

    Robin, I'm so sorry you're in a similar position. Worse, your age makes you dependent on parents for a while yet...and there's also the threat of violence. The upside to your age is that your father has a long time in front of him in which to change (again, I think Chip is right about time and space)...my partner's parents are old, and not well...they simply don't have that time, and she will probably never have a good relationship with them again. You're in the better position. Good luck to you.

    (but I also agree with an earlier poster that anyone who can do this to their child is no parent)
     
    #17 biAnnika, Aug 27, 2012
  18. Robin

    Robin
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    Just recently my dad came to the door of our house. Luckily, I was in my room at the time, so he didn't know I was home. He rang the doorbell twice, and I kept myself holed up in my room just in case it was him. I came out of my room FIVE MINUTES later to see if he was gone. As soon as I stepped into the living room, he rang the doorbell again. He was waiting for me to make myself visible! For five minutes! I grabbed a knife for defense and my cell phone just in case I had to call the police and just kind of stood in the kitchen waiting for him to do something stupid. He didn't, thankfully, and he eventually left. (Although I think he knew I was home.)

    I called my brother up, and he said that my dad had called him asking if he knew the new combination to the garage. (Which we just changed in case something like this happened.) My dad was trying to get into the house. If that garage door hadn't been closed, he would have gotten in, and I would have had to call the police.

    After that my dad called the house four times, and my cell phone three times. He left a message on my cell phone, and it was one of those friendly messages trying to get me to call back. I immediately blocked him on Facebook so that he couldn't try to contact me that way.

    I'm a little scared now...
     
    #18 Robin, Aug 27, 2012
  19. Lad123

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    How awful to hear that he was trying to get into the house! If you were scared and had to grab a knife for self-defence then maybe you should get the police involved. I don't want to scare you but if your dad waited 5 minutes to deceive you, he must have wanted to do something bad particularly if he knew that your mum would have been out of the house.
     
    #19 Lad123, Aug 27, 2012
  20. Chip

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    It might be sensible to talk to your mom, and for both of you to make a police report. That way, you'll have a record with them of what's going on, and if you have to call them again, they'll have some background on the situation.

    Depending on where you live, the police might dispatch someone to go and talk to him and essentially make it clear that you are feeling threatened and this isn't OK. In most cases, all but the nuttiest of people will back down and leave you alone. If that doesn't work, then you can get a restraining order.

    Hopefully, none of that will be necessary and he'll eventually see that his attempt to regain control isn't going to work and he needs to take a different approach.

    The one other thing you could attempt, if you want to, is to send him a short, polite email saying that your being gay isn't open for discussion, and you won't permit it to be a topic of discussion, and that you've treated him with courtesy and respect, and expect the same in return, otherwise you don't have any interest in communicating with him at all. That could cut two ways: It could either enrage him further, or it could make him stop and start to realize that he's not helping himself or you. You and your mom would have a better idea than I as to whether that's a sensible option.

    In any case, I do think it's sensible to make a police report just so there's a record of the concern on file.
     
    #20 Chip, Aug 27, 2012
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