I've probably asked this question before, but I'm so confused and unsure of how to go about this that I feel that I need to talk to someone. This guy I like (same guy I've been talking about in my recent threads) is gone for the week on vacation with his family and I already miss him terribly. We decided to spend a few days together when he gets back, so in order to pass the time, I decided to keep myself productive with various projects to both better myself and better my knowledge of his interests. My ultimate goal is for him to acknowledge me as his boyfriend. Still, he says that he wants to get to know me better and that he doesn't want to make anything official just yet. He says he wants to see if there is anything "there" before he decides to commit. He refuses to tell me what he's looking for exactly, and that makes sense to me because I don't want to subconsciously adjust my behavior and attitudes to fit his desires. I do want him to like me for the real me, not some false image of me after all. I've never had a befriend before and have no idea if what I'm doing is right. I'm really naive and innocent in this area. I suppose this thread is pointless and I've probably already answered my own question, but what I am asking is: 1. What are (if any) the signs that a guy is truly interested in making you his boyfriend? 2. What should I be doing to prove my worth, loyalty, and faithfulness before jumping into a relationship?
1. I'm kind of stumped by that one. I guess the other person will act more like he cares about you (vague, I know). Maybe you kinda know what I mean by that. 2. Nothing unusual, just be yourself and do what you think is best. I think that's always the right way to go.
Thanks for the response, and I might know what you mean, but again, I'm naive in this department. Care to elaborate?
One of my friends (who incidentally, is straight :lol put it best when I brought up my own perspective relationship. The best way to tell (assuming genders and orientations 'match') is if the other guy/girl/person has an 'investment' in the social dynamic between you two, whatever it is - boy, my anthropology major is shining through here, isn't it? - and makes sure you know you're special to them. It sounds like I'm describing emotional attraction, and I am. Others may disagree with me on this, but physical attraction, at least the 'double take when looking at someone' kind, isn't a good indicator of whether two people are compatible. Besides, I've noticed (and heard from friends) that emotional attraction can birth physical attraction, assuming genders and orientations match as I said above. Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any more questions! Twisty
WOW! This is a great answer and I think I understand what you're saying in regards to emotional attraction. I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him when we first met, but I am now, and that did happen when we I got to know him better. I know that I am emotionally attracted to him. I haven't and am really afraid to tell him. I have been subtly showing him though (i.e. putting my head on his shoulders in movies, grabbing his arm to pull him somewhere if we're walking around to show him something, kissing him, hugging him, cuddling with him, etc.). We've even lied down together in the middle of nowhere to watch a meteor shower. He invited me. When you refer to social dynamics, do you mean how often we spend time out in public with one another or with each other's friends? Does this also tie into emotional attraction by way of social interaction (as in how we treat each other)? To be honest (and I'm probably just being stupid) I don't truly know if I am actually special to him, in more than a way of friendship that is. We do spend a lot of time together in public: dinner, movies, lunch, shopping, or just spending general time with each other. We haven't had sex, though he has expressed his desire to have sex with me numerous times, and I have returned the feeling. My best friend said that it would be wise to do so even if we aren't dating yet (more on that in a moment). I'd say we've done things that I would consider dates, but he's always denied that if I were to mention it. He says "we're just friends hanging out." I believe he's been hurt in the past by a previous boyfriend (he didn't tell me what happened) and is just being careful. I respect that, but it is hurting me internally. I am falling for him and I'm trying to do everything I can to prove to him that I am a good faithful person. I've even gone so far to remove myself from all dating sites and apps. He's the only guy I talk to and am seeing I've told him this. As much as all of this pains me, I believe that he's worth the effort. I want to be with him so badly. I asked my best friend how he made it official with his girlfriend (now wife) and he said that they messed around as friends for a little while. He dumped her, but then realized what he had and they got back together. That was years in the making and now they're happily married. He said that I should have sex with the guy I like because it might help advance the relationship... or whatever you call it.
I've also been contemplating texting him to let him know that I miss him. It's only been two days now so I'm thinking I should probably wait.
I completely agree with the emotional attraction observation. For me personally, it is much more important than the physical kind. I lose all interest to a previously attractive guy if I cool off emotionally and I get physically attracted if I am already emotionally attracted. To try to answer your questions: 1. Well, think of it the other way around. What are the ways you show your interests? You've answered to that one plenty in this thread. Committing your time to him, simple touches, hugs, talking to him, sharing everything and so on. For the most part, he does that too. It seems that you are just more sure about what you want than he is. 2. After all you've said, do you really think your loyalty is in question? Worth, well, that's a different subject, but given the amount of time and the number of activities he grants you, I'd say he definitely find you worthy Since he is obviously fine with all the hugging and touching and even talking about sex, he surely likes you. He might just be enjoying that stage of emotional relationship and he might just be enjoying the attention so much that he is not in a rush. What you have at the moment could simply be a very cozy place to be for him. There is one observation I'd offer, but I hope you won't be offended by it, and it might be completely wrong of course. You are ready to sacrifice your time and interests to be with him. In the opening post you said you don't want to adjust your attitude to his desires, but you also said that you want to better your knowledge of his interests. You kind of defined and answered the potential problem there. Depending on his previous experience, he might be unwilling to have someone depend on him. Emotionally, you are starting to. However, since he directly confirmed his emotions for you, I think that message could work. I suspect you could get the same in response.
Well, normally I'd say if you and he both want to have sex, regardless of whether you're dating, just go with it But you mentioned you think that he may have been hurt by a boyfriend in the past; because of that, you might want to wait on the sex part. If you've both talked about having sex together, there's definitely some kind of attraction/interest on his part, no question. But if you want to be with him as bad as you do (and it really is a great feeling, isn't it? ) I personally think, and feel free to disagree if you want, that you should wait for sex until you start dating. And with 'social dynamic' that was just my pretentiously anthropological way of describing friendships, 'friend of a friend,' etc. Basically, whatever you and someone else see yourselves as. And it does tie into emotional attraction because social interaction is really how we communicate any kind of emotion, for better or worse. And trust me, I feel your pain on not wanting to tell him (yet) about your emotional attraction. I feel the same way about my best friend, and he acted the same way your friend did, at first- we did things I called dates and he never wanted to call them that, but always wanted to do them again :lol:. Then, and I don't know how this happened, he suddenly just started acting...different (I don't think I should go into it because I don't want to hijack this thread). The point is, if you're confident about your attraction to him, he WILL pick up on it no matter if you tell him or not, and take it from me: any kind of confidence turns almost any guy on PM me if you'd like more advice! Twisty
Just to clarify, I meant that I didn’t want to subconsciously adjust my behavior and attitude to fit his needs according to what he is looking for in a boyfriend. This is why he wouldn’t tell me what he was looking for. He didn’t want me to change myself for him. He wanted me to be myself so he could get to know the real me. I want to better my knowledge in his interests because I kinda felt bad when he told me that we didn’t have a mutual interest in the music he likes. He loves music, specifically classical and opera. I know next to nothing about them, but I do have an appreciation for art and I consider that type of music an art form. So I figured I’d learn a little about them so he could talk to me about it. I’d say that’s just me making an effort to better connect with him. This conversation came up when I asked him why he never talks to me about it. That’s when he told me why. Again, I felt bad about it. Is this the right thing to do? Or should I not bother? ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 03:09 PM ---------- Perhaps I should be more clear on the subject of sex haha. Originally, I shared your opinion not to have sex before officially dating. He was the one who first expressed his desire to have sex with me, and I didn’t entertain the idea much. I told him that we weren’t officially dating yet, so I didn’t want to. Sadly, I found out that he did hook up with at least one guy one night through his best friend via online (we were playing videogames waiting for the guy I liked to get home) who was probably oblivious to the fact that I liked him (and probably still is, idk). His best friend texted him and found out that he was out hooking up with a guy and would be home soon to join us online for videogames. I don’t think he knew I was online at the time. It did hurt, very badly, but I didn’t say anything. We weren’t officially dating, so I didn’t have the right to say anything. As far as I know, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone since. This happened way back early May. I guess you could say that incident put the fear of God in me. I didn’t want to lose him to some asshole (excuse my language), so eventually (this is some time after that) I talked to my best friend about it and he said that I should have sex with him before dating because that’s what he did with his girlfriend. I still decided to wait in order to build a stronger emotional connection with him and I guess that was the right move. Now months later, I feel much better about doing it. I’m feeling pretty confident. I’ve decided to text him and let him know that I miss him. Hopefully this drops a big hint that he’s special to me. I think he knows that I’d normally hesitate to do something like that… I’m not sure. Please feel free to hijack the thread because if you went through the same situation concerning this, I’d love to hear your side.
Yes, if you want there to be mutual interest between you two, then work on creating them - just make sure you're actually interested in that stuff :lol:. If you turn out to be interested in it, then it's a great idea! And about sex, I'm gonna restate my point. Have sex when it's right for you, not because you think you'll lose him. He sounds like a really great guy, and doesn't sound like he'd just skip out for another guy because you want to wait for sex; and if he does, he, frankly, isn't worth it. If you feel like texting him that you've missed him is a strong enough 'sign,' then do it. I don't know him, so I don't know if he'd pick up on that. And I will hijack it, since you gave permission : there's this guy at school (who also happens to be my best friend), Ben, who I'm, like, head over heels for, and things started heading in the 'more than friendship' direction between June and now. For example, we both went to this GSA event last night; I got there before he did. When he got there, he saw me, his face kind of lit up (his face got all 'grinny') and he said hey, the way you'd say it if you haven't seen someone in a while, even though we had dinner on Sun. We kind of stuck together the rest of the time and walked back after that - he also made a lame sex joke, which I returned later today. Apparently I was 'all smiles' as soon as he got there; one of my friends even Facebook messaged me that my smiling about Ben was incredibly obvious. Does that help?
I’ve never really been a fan of opera or classical music, but it never hurt my ears. I find classical music to be peaceful at best and opera to be interesting. It’s hard for me to explain without contradicting myself really haha. I enjoy going to shows anyway, if that means anything. So what you’re saying is that his facial expressions and attitude will change to overly cheerful when he sees me. It’s good to hear that to be honest, but I have to admit that I’ve never really seen that from him. I know for a fact that I do it haha. He’s just really hard to read sometimes. Again, I have no idea how he really feels about me. I suppose I should just ask haha. I’ll text him later tonight and see what kind of response I get. I suspect that you’re in the same situation as I am. As for sex, I guess the time is right. My conscience isn’t telling me not to anymore. I take that as a sign that the light is green for that.
Like I said, do whatever feels right for you, as long as he's ok with it too (and it sounds like he is). If it's meant to happen it will, so just be yourself . It actually sounds like our situations are slightly reversed :lol:. I've gotten signs of emotional attraction that's starting to birth physical attraction, and you're getting signs of physical attraction that (in my humble opinion) sounds like it's starting to birth emotional attraction. Just relax, breathe, and let it happen
Well I'm not feeling too good right. I'm probably just overreacting, but I did text him yesterday night. Told him that I really missed him and that I hope he was having a great time. No response... just three more days till he's back. I suppose I'll jump on the subject of how he feels about me when I see him... ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2012 at 11:26 AM ---------- I do want to thank you for all the help. Makes me feel better being able to talk to someone.
