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Confusion All Around..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ausername, Aug 28, 2012.

  1. Ausername

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    Hey. Uhhh, I don't really know what to say, so I'm just going to go all out and explain everything since I'm pretty confused.
    First off I'm going to start by saying that I'm a 19 year old male who originally thought he was straight, until recent. I always used to be (and still am) the type of guy to make everyone laugh. I'd do stuff that people considered 'acting gay,' make stupid jokes that got people to laugh, and just have a good time with life. I never questioned my sexuality, I have put it to the test once or twice while 'aroused,' but I felt nothing. For 19 years I've been straight and hardly questioned it. For the most part, I never questioned it. I had a long distance relationship with a girl who lived in the same state as me, last year that lasted a year and a month. We had sex for the first time and it was amazing, I eventually break up with her because I came to realize long distance relationships aren't for me. I broke up with her four months ago.
    Throughout summer, I'd thought about her plentiful. Recently we were talking about how we missed each other and how for college she was coming down by me and we got all excited and stuff. A couple of days after this, I'm at a gas station in town and get out my car to see two guys smoking a cigarette, one I'd seen around town a couple of times and knew he was gay, the other I didn't recognize. Well, I go into the gas station then come out to see them still out there. I start walking to my car and as I'm getting in, I turn around and see the guy I've seen around town staring at me. When I get into my car seat, our eyes meet and a thought pops in my head, "Hey, he's kinda cute."
    Immediately I start questioning what just happened, "Did I really just think some guy was cute?" I was just in shock. I'm not homophobic or any of that BS, I have gay/bisexual friends that are some of my best friends. It was just... Weird... I'm 19, and I'm content with my sexuality, then all of a sudden I think a guy is cute? Like... What? I immediately text one of my friends and tell her the story. She wasn't much help because all she ended up saying in the end was, "Be comfortable with your sexuality and who you are, I support you 100%!" I appreciate her support but I wanted advice or something.
    This was all a week and a half ago. And I'm still having trouble accepting it. I can get aroused by gay porn and orgasm to it, but when I'm done I just think about stuff. I also have a crush on a male coworker who everyone thinks is gay and I personally think that about him as well. I'm not afraid of being bisexual. It's just all so confusing. I'd accept it more if I had answers, but I'm pretty sure the answers are inside of me.
    Also, unlike before that day at the gas station, I'd never think a guy was cute. I didn't judge guys. I never had an opinion on them. I just was a guy and thought of guys as "bros" or whatever. I still do, but now I judge their appearance and such like I would a girls. I don't know. I'm just confused and this is all jumbled up. If anyone gets to reading this, thank you for taking the time to read it and (maybe try to) give advice. If anyone responds, I appreciate greatly as well.
     
  2. kumpel

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    hey. hey ive gone through what youve gone through. its troubling at first to realize you can have this attraction to the same sex. but you just have to say.. well it is what it is.. theres no right or wrong on this. we can make mistakes. thats life. if you decide to try it and find out its not for you then at least you tried.
     
  3. Ausername

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    Heh, that's kind of ironic, 'it is what it is' is sort of my slogan of sorts. I don't really get too sad that often. I'm generally a happy guy. It's just that this hit me, how can I put this, at the wrong time in my life? It wasn't so much of a wrong time as it was a weird time to hit me. I've always been one against judging other guys because I'd never thought like this before.. Ever since that day at the gas station, everything's changed. Well, mentally. Not in a bad way either! I just judge guys, enjoy watching some gay porn and that's that. The reason I've only told a handfull of my friends is because I want to be "unconfused" when I tell the rest of my friends. I want to understand fully and divulge deeper into this before anything. Thanks for the response. :slight_smile:
     
  4. BNQ2012

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    Yeah, it is confusing alright. I thought I was straight for not 19, but 34 years. I'm 35 now and just starting the process of coming out. It's amazing how something so seemingly central to your identity can shift and take you off guard.

    I had been attracted to women a few times in life but had been able to dismiss it. Lately I have had more than one situation occur in mixed company where there were plenty of men present but I was completely and utterly transfixed by a woman. In one case, I dodged a guy who was clearly showing interest in me to go talk to the woman in question.

    Just two years ago, if someone told me I was bisexual (not a label I'm entirely comfortable with), I would have called them crazy and maybe even gotten upset. I've been "straight" for so long that I'm almost certain that at least one of the close friends I've told doesn't even believe me and he's gay himself! LOL
     
  5. Mango

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    If gay porn turns you on and NOT off, you're at the very least, bisexual!
     
  6. Ausername

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    Wow.. Yeah, it's definitely something that's considered "a big change in one's life." All my friends who I've told so far are all surprised about how calm and understanding of all this. I'm still really confused. But I'm going with it. I'm not going to stop anything from being me. Now if only my 'closet gay' coworker would come out... Hehe. But yeah, @Mango, yeah, I figured, hah. I can switch from gay porn to straight porn almost on cue... It's weird... But it's definitely fun. I came out to my dad, who is behind bars for reasons I can't say. He's been in there since mid June so it's becoming normal for him not to be around. I told him I was bisexual and he (btw, he's gay also) was like, *wide eyes* "Well, any cute guys at work?"It was pretty awesome. Once I tell my mom and my brother I'll be fine, I think. It's weird cause I'm still attracted to girls heavily... Well, in this case, I won some and I gained some?