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I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for him.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jamesisconfused, Aug 28, 2012.

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  1. Jamesisconfused

    Jamesisconfused
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    This is a pretty long story. My friend is on the closest people in my life I trust him more tha
    I trust my very own brother. He was the very first person who I came out to. He kind of knew I was gay and he just sent me a text one day saying that he didn't care and if I was worried that my friends would care than they didn't deserve to be my friends. I haven't told anybody else. He also came out to me and told me he was bisexual which I didn't believe until we had sex. I was confused and I asked him did it mean anything to
    Him and he said no which made me happy because I didn't feel anything either. Recently I've been having my doubts about whether he's actually bisexual or not as he has had a girlfriend for several months and I've asked him whether he has done anything with his girlfriend(he has not) leading me to think that he might actually be gay. Usually whenever we stay over in each others houses we sleep in the same bed as we both have big double beds and we nearly always end up having sex. This confuses me do much and
    I don't know whether he has feelings for me and I think I might be developing feelings for him aswell. I don't know what to do as I'm afraid to approach him and lose my only
    True friend that I have just for the sake of my feelings . And what happens then
    If my feelings are actually reciprocated? Do I come out and start going out wih him
    Or just stay in the shadows like a secret boyfriend. I doń know how I feel about the second option but the first option will not happen as I'm not comfotable enough to
    Come out to other people. Do I tell him how I feel and risk losing the only person I can talk to or just keep it all bottled up inside me ? Help.
     
    #1 Jamesisconfused, Aug 28, 2012
  2. Pret Allez

    Pret Allez
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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    Welcome to Empty Closets.

    Yes, it is possible that your friend is gay. However, you should respect how he identifies. If he tells you he's bisexual, he is. If he's on the bridge to gay, so what?

    I would wait for him to break up with his girlfriend before you make any kind of move.

    And finally, I would suggest not dating him if he doesn't want to come out. While I totally respect people's need to be safe, and that is specific to their situation, I also recognize that it is emotionally taxing on a person who is out to be in a relationship with someone who is on the DL.

    Your relationship is never acknowledged in public, you can't be affectionate in public, and you have to protect him by lying about yourself.
     
    #2 Pret Allez, Aug 28, 2012
  3. BudderMC

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    First off, that's actually a short story compared to some of the other ones that come around, so don't worry about it being too long :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Anyways, age plays into this a little bit. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys? Even though the general idea is the same, some suggestions might be more viable if you're adults vs. teenagers.

    I think beyond anything else, in a friends with benefits situation like this the rule of thumb is that there are no strings attached, including feelings. So if you're developing feelings for him, you need to call this arrangement off. Whether or not you choose to explain it's because you're developing feelings is up to you.

    Personally, if you can muster it, I think it would be beneficial in this case (without knowing your ages) to tell him that you are developing feelings and that you're calling off your arrangements so that you can preserve your friendship. That way you're being honest, and given that you both like guys it opens up the field for him to reciprocate those feelings (if he does). And if he doesn't, then at least you know where you stand. I'm guessing that between two people who've had sex frequently there isn't much that needs to be kept secret anymore, especially since you guys are close friends.

    And as for all the relationship questions... I'd say take things one step at a time. Tackle those when you get there, if he even happens to be into you too. But the primary goal in this case (IMO) is to preserve the friendship, and that means to stop sleeping with him.
     
    #3 BudderMC, Aug 28, 2012
  4. Jamesisconfused

    Jamesisconfused
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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I am not out to anyone aPart from him. Neither is he. I don't wAnt to set myself up fOr a big fall if hes not interested. Im just terrified of the loneliness and isolation that would exist without him being there to talk to
     
    #4 Jamesisconfused, Aug 28, 2012
  5. Jamesisconfused

    Jamesisconfused
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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I just told my friend that we can no longer be friends anymore without explaining myself. I feel awful and just upset right now. I don't think he knows why but it's because I have feelings for him that I know will never be reciprocated. Why do I feel like this ? We are both 18.
     
    #5 Jamesisconfused, Sep 2, 2012
  6. Ianthe

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I think you should tell him the truth. What do you have to lose? If you've decided that you can't be "just friends" with him any more, then telling him that you have romantic feelings for him can't spoil your friendship or anything, it's already spoiled. So you may as well tell him the real reason.

    Just explain to him that you've been developing feelings, and you know he said that none of it means anything to him, so you need to pull away so that you don't keep developing stronger and stronger feelings.
     
    #6 Ianthe, Sep 2, 2012
  7. Yougoglencoco

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    It sounds to me like your friends with benefits, but since you're starting to develop feelings and you think he might be too, you should tell him that you just want to be friends like you were before with no sex
     
    #7 Yougoglencoco, Sep 2, 2012
  8. Dalmatian

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    Wait, so you are each others' best friends, you have sex regularly, you are in love with him, but are not sure what he thinks about you.. and now you called him up, said "we can't be friends" and hung up? Don't you think the best way now is to tell him the whole truth? And I mean whole. Probably even apologize.
    Sorry, I'm not judging and I apologize for being harsh, it's just that it seems to me that you've done the only thing that guarantees you will lose both the lover and the friend.
     
    #8 Dalmatian, Sep 2, 2012
  9. Aldrick

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I'm echoing everything Ianthe and Dalmatian said. You should be honest. Running away from your problems isn't going to make them any better.

    I've walked in a similar pair of shoes to the ones you're wearing right now. For me, whenever I developed feelings for friends like that it was always the result of being isolated, lonely, depressed, or all three. The sex complicates matters, but likely isn't the cause. Although, it's not uncommon for people to develop feelings for friends with benefits.

    I think it's silly to throw away your friendship, it's a way to avoid dealing with the issue. If you care about him then be honest. The worst he can say is that he doesn't return your feelings, but at least you have the possibility of keeping the friendship.
     
    #9 Aldrick, Sep 2, 2012
  10. TwoMethod

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I know he has a girlfriend, but am I missing something? Clearly I must not understand relationships at all.

    I thought that if you were best friends with someone, closer than you are to anyone else, and then you had sex with him, well aren't you in a relationship? What "extra" feelings do you have with someone you are in a relationship with that you don't have with your best friend besides the sex?

    My best friend and I are both gay. I always thought that if we were to be in a relationship together, all we would have to do is add the sex. There isn't any other extra or "deeper" feelings to feel.

    But it's not like I've been in loads of relationships, so maybe I'm mistaken.

    If you want my opinion, you too were in a relationship — you just weren't acknowledging it.
     
    #10 TwoMethod, Sep 2, 2012
  11. Jamesisconfused

    Jamesisconfused
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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    Thanks for all the advice. My friend just called me there and asked me why he thought we shouldn't be friends. I told him the truth and he said he was flattered but he didn't have the same feelings for me as I do for him. He said he didn't care and what would not being friends do anyway. He told me that hes always there for me and that I shouldnt be bottling up all these feelings. Everything is all okay now. Thanks everyone who commented on this thread. The advice is much appreciated.
     
    #11 Jamesisconfused, Sep 2, 2012
  12. Aldrick

    Aldrick
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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I'm glad everything is worked out. He may not return your feelings, but at least you haven't lost a friend. (*hug*)
     
    #12 Aldrick, Sep 2, 2012
  13. Ianthe

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    Re: I'm gay. My friend is bisexual. We have sex. I think I might have feelings for hi

    I agree--it's better that you haven't lost him as a friend.

    But don't have sex with him anymore, seriously. It will only confuse you.
     
    #13 Ianthe, Sep 2, 2012
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