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is he completely apathetic?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by hatethiscloset, Aug 28, 2012.

  1. hatethiscloset

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    Hi everyone,
    so I have this one guy best friend (who I have also been crushing on FOREVER lol but thats beside the point...) and I'm not really sure how to say this....he just completely doesn't care.
    Not just about me either. Its hard to explain I guess. Hes not cold exactly, but he NEVER initiates anything in any of his friendships (not just mine). For a long time I would constantly worry because I used to think this meant there was something wrong with our friendship and that we weren't getting as close as I was hoping for. Then I realized...I'm not the only one. Everyone else in my group of friends feels this way at least to some extent. He will listen to your problems, give advice if you ask, talk to you....but only if you are the person to start it! Whats wrong with him?? I'm doubting its anything anyone else is doing at this point. He just seems so INDIFFERENT about friends in general. Like if we are around thats cool, but if not thats fine too. He is perfectly content to just ditch us and walk alone randomly. A few days ago everyone was waiting outside school talking and being social, and he just looked at us and sat inside the school by himself because he said he didn't want to be outside. Another thing that irks me is that I literally think I tell him almost everything (although I havent come out to him yet) but he doesn't tell anyone anything personal about him. He is EXTREMELY private. He never makes me feel like I'm truly his best friend. This attitude of his has always been there, but lately I am getting more and more annoyed. First I was sad because I thought it was my fault, now I'm just getting angry and frustrated because he won't just be a better friend. I DO have deep feelings for him, but I think this issue is more just about our friendship. They say friendship is a 2way street, but he's not showing me he is interested because he is neglecting these little things. I guess I'm posting to get people opinions: why is he like this? are there people who just dont value friendship?
     
  2. RainDreamer

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    This friend of yours is like that possibly because of a number of different reasons:

    1) He could just be content with the amount of "friendshipness" he is sharing with others, and feel no point of giving more because for him, that is enough. Different people have different opinions on what it means to be a friend.

    2) He could be a person that are simply private. He just feel uncomfortable open up to anyone, and thus perfer a half-hearted friendship that will have no one trying to pry about him

    3) He could be putting up a shield. He has something to hide, to protect. That is why he put up a mask of uncaring and cool to distant people...I used to do this...

    4) He could just be very socially awkward, and not know how to initiate a conversation properly.
     
  3. hatethiscloset

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    ok well i KNOW its not #4, hes great at meeting people and holding conversations with them. I guess it could be any of the other 3, but I'm inclined to think its #1. Its just weird because he and I are similar in many ways but are definitely opposite in this aspect. I am only content when I feel like I have true friends I can tell anything to or lean on, I'm sort of the opposite of private. I think that is what makes it hard to deal with him being like this toward me. I'm just not quite sure how to just get past this or stop getting frustrated with him. It's gotten to the point now where I analyze everything he does and turn it into either hes being a good friend or not....not healthy, I know, but I cant help it.
     
  4. heyou

    heyou Guest

    He sounds like me, lol. And I'd be #4... I'm just overly shy and been through quite a lot to have learned to keep emotional and important stuff to myself. Also very socially awkward.

    But I do value friendships a lot and that's something that matters a lot, so I think you really should talk to him if it's bothering you.
     
  5. hatethiscloset

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    I would rather have him like that you are lol. He's sort of the opposite, very outgoing, talks to everyone...it just makes me more jealous when he talks to others a lot. I talked to him about something along these lines last year and he assured me he valued our friendship but idk i guess this is just how he is. It sucks. Its weird too because he is all about family. like he would choose hanging with his family rather than friends in a heartbeat. which is good that hes close with them, but its just odd for a 17 year old i think. I suppose his true best friends are his siblings
     
  6. kumpel

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    youve just described me and and my best friends relationship. hes the same also.. i have to initiate everything.. hes just not the type of person that is open.. i know its frustrating.. you feel like you are talking to a brick wall sometimes.. but dont force him.. hell share when he wants.. but dont hold ur breath
     
  7. sguyc

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    Some people are more introverted than others. If you want him to open up more maybe you can try to initiate some conversations about himself? I know its hard to understand but some people just don't find themselves all that interesting in the sense that they are hesitant to bring up their own everyday lives and experiences in conversation.
     
  8. hatethiscloset

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    Oh don't get me wrong, I know him better than most people. Over the years of him not telling me things, I would just ask him stuff from time to time. It would just be nice if I didn't always have to ask. It just makes me feel like he's completely indifferent to me, like if I moved or just disappeared tomorrow he wouldn't even care. In fact, it sometimes seems like if EVERYONE disappeared except him he would be just fine with that lol.
     
  9. hatethiscloset

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    I know none of this really helps my situation right now.....BUT i recently had the most amazing day with this friend/crush <3. We were alone for a few hours after school so he had only me to talk to and gave me his undivided attention! See, in times like this he is really the best :grin: its just when we are in the social scene with others that he treats everyone the same. Needless to say I get completely jealous, if only he would pay the most attention to me and saw me the way I see him....as much more than a friend. Even though he doesn't, I'm still in the best mood ever right now and am hoping for more of these days to come.
     
  10. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    I have a lot of problems with anxiety and some social anxiety and act this way sometimes (especially the thing where he was sitting alone while everyone was outside talking).

    Its really embarassing admitting my anxiety and what triggers it, so embarassing I usually prefer to isolate, maybe he has some similar problem?

    And yes, I pretend to "not need anyone" even though inside I am usually dying of loneliness, because I am scared of people finding out my weaknesses.
     
  11. hatethiscloset

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    Yeah I'm pretty insecure too but I'm definitely one of those "heart on my sleeve" people. It would be sooo much easier if he just told me all this (if this is the reason he is withdrawn). I also think he might act like this because he doesn't really HAVE TO initiate any friendships. he is a pretty popular guy, and when everyone realizes he can be withdrawn and independent, it makes him all the more desirable.