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Need some advice. Lost in Sexuality/OCD

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fkhoms, Aug 28, 2012.

  1. fkhoms

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    I have a lot to ask, and a lot to tell so please listen to my story.

    I'm a guy in my late 20s, and I've reached rockbottom when it comes to my sexuality, and i don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so confused on which way i swing, that i might as well become another gender.

    Anyway, i guess i'll start off by telling you my story. I grew up, as the youngest of 3 siblings, I have 2 older sister. My parents never really got along, as far as i can remember. Through out my younger days I was your average little boy. I was never into anything all too girly, My sisters played dress up with me one time i remember, but that's about as far as "off" as i got as a child. i liked to ride my bike, play with the other kids, kickball, soccer you name it. I never really had trouble as a child coping with much. I had crushes on girls, and even loved talking with them in my early years.

    I believe my problems started when i was in 2nd grade, and the teacher decided she was gonna read to us about germs, and how to wash our hands all that good stuff. I became paranoid from that day forward, and ultimately led to me becoming OCD. I've battled it, since then, and have gotten better, but still to this day suffer from the anxiety.More on how this relates later....

    When Middle school started, I began to start my journey into manhood, I discovered that people around me were becoming more inciting. Those years i also discovered porn. At the time it was something new, and unfamiliar so i was hesitant at first. It usually only started off when my friends would say oh look at this, and sure enough it was internet pornography. I was exposed to some of the weirdest stuff I'd ever seen in my life between middle school, and JR high. I developed fantasies in my head, of usually the jocks, and the popular girls, at my school, doing the dirty. I went through a very regrettable phase. I was developing inside, and imagining some pretty crazy situations in my head, involving my other classmates. I never thought of it much then, but as time grew on, my issues became worse. I started watching gay porn, and becoming obsessed with the fantasies that i was having in my head, I knew it was wrong to feel this way, or at least i felt it was. Everyone else was being original, and watching girls, and i was here watching something entirely diffrent.

    I panicked I had enough trouble battling OCD, and the fact that I was bullied severally at school. A lot of this didn't make sense to me, I wanted for once to have something about me be the same as everyone else. I started to change up the porn, and started watching just girls, and girls & guy. I was able to get my satisfaction from these, without having to throw a guy into the fantasy or even to pretend i was the girl. I had problem with this. from this point on I had, developed an anxiety towards my sexual orientation. I wanted to be straight, and so It would consistently end up me watching straight porn, just to reassure myself I was normal, but my adolescent mind kept tracking back to my fantasies. with other guys...

    The moment I hit rock bottom was sometime in 2006, when I want to say was my freshmen year. I had a really good friend, that i had been best friends with since, i was literally home from the hospital at birth he was a lil older then me.

    He came over one night, and we were sitting there talking, being that he was older, he was already dating, and having the Bing-bing. I was just this lil freshmen discovering myself. It started getting weird when he was talking about an actress, and how he wanted to have sex with her, I made a mistake that I ultimately regret that night. Idk how the idea came into play, but we started feeling each other, and saying we should close our eyes, and pretend it was the actress(i really can't recall who).

    This was the kiss of death, as soon as this fooling around began I didn't know what to think. The fantasies in my head, we're being explored in front of my eyes. I didn't know what to do. Before it got too far, we stopped, and he laid down, and went to sleep. I was in so much disbelief, I didn't know what i was doing. I should have left it at that, but i didn't i let myself get suductied by the curiosity, and thought. So i continued to explore my urges while he was asleep. Looking back on it now, I think it was just a phase, because i don't think i would ever want to do that again. But more on this later, there's more to this story.....

    After I had done what i did, I immediately realized the mistake i had made, This was my best friend, and I was having thoughts I didn't want to have. I tried getting over it, every time he'd come spend the night, I would resist the urge to do things, somedays i was successful, others not. I was exploring the possibility of being with a guy hands on, without him knowing I had been doing anything. I will say to everyone now that, no, I did not mess with him, under the pants, not after the first time. I realized after the first time i did not find another mans junk appealing. I was however doing things to explore my curiosity with him. Little things, i wont go into much detail but basically dry humping, and it was risky because if he woke up, he would have seen what was going on, and Things would have been far worse.

    Unable to still be his friend, and resist my urges at the time, i distanced myself from him. I turned to my faith for forgiveness, and this little episode didn't help my OCD either. I began once again trying to make up for my act by watching straight porn whenever i had urges.

    I had, another moment short after that one with my other friends, he was a lil younger then me. We were watching, a movie with a pornographic scene in it. Between a man, and a women. If that means anything, and we were both getting excited. He actually brought it up to me, and we went into the shower, with our swimsuits on, and began reenacting this scene, to the point where we both decided we didn't want to do this, and we walked away, and haven't spoken since....

    From those small lil boy issues, forward, I've been battling myself, discovering who i am, what i like, what i feel. My OCD causes me to feel Extreme Anxiety Over this, i feel, its been nearly 7+ years, and i still occasionally dwell on the mistakes of my youth. I lost a real good friend, and stopped talking with him, because i didn't want to be tempted, and i wanted to find out who i was. I still see the other guy thou, we just pass glances. Since then I've had rituals that i perform, before, and after master bastion. It's getting to the point, where my OCD, is conflicting with my past. So at times it's hard to tell why i feel so much guilt, and anxiety over this. If it's the OCD or if this is really guilt i'm feeling over the mistake i had made.

    I managed to go through a blessing of a spell my last two years in high school, where i never had urges, or even watched porn to get my satisfaction. When i did watch porn it was always straight, so the ideas of guy on guy had faded into the background where i prayed everyday they would stay. I avoided any mention of my past, and sex, and any mention of things that would remind me of the mistake i had made, OCD played a part in this because I would feel extreme grief if i even had a flashback of those nights.

    My first year out of school 2010 I met a girl, and we started dating. It was by far The best thing i could have experiences in my life. She allowed me to open up, and become a better person overall. I was a scared individual,with a very internal attitude, but when i was with her i started seeing the world for its beauty, and appreciating everyday like it was precious. We dated for 6 months, and within that 6 months we had such, an emotional connection, and almost went into physical mode, but i remained true to a vow i made, I was gonna wait till i was married to have sex.

    It was difficult to resist her advances, but with the past, i learned how to control my thoughts. She respected my descion, and agreed to wait for me. She was my first love, my first kiss, everything was perfect. We broke up, do to reasons i had developed, it's been 2 years since we broke up. We've been on, and off again, for those two years, trying to recapture that fire we once had. Her story, and mine is another entirely...

    At this point in my life right now, I'm having real emotions towards girls that i meet, I want to hold them, be there everything, and more. There's nothing more emotionally comforting to me then a women laying her head on my chest. Kissing me, and loving me for my weaknesses, and i have to fight my physical urges to be with her. I genuinely want to start a life, with that special women, and have kids, and a house, and grow old together......I just never get that lucky.

    I will occasionally see a well built, guys, and think to myself "he must get all the girls, that's hot," and i don't go crazy, but i start to get a lil turned on by that idea. Which ultimately doesn't help me in anyway in finding my answers.

    My ex was the only person I ever pursued feelings for, and now that we are over. I seem to always, be the guy in last place, I met another girl i really liked, but could never tell from her signals whether she wanted a relationship with me. She would say we're just friends, but then her body language would say something different. She's actually crazy about some guy that she lost her virginity too, so my chance with her is blown. The other girls i have an interest in i soon find out are, dating, or have different tastes. So i feel very lost in this world.

    But none the less, these past 4 years, have been the best in my life, after meeting a special girl, that forever changed my life. I finally thought my urges of my past we're gone for good. I still regretted the thoughts like a ghost from my past, and by yesterday i had had enough, I had to face the ghost from my past. I wanted to not, have to look back on my mistakes, as a blank period in time, and look at them for what they were, a learning experience. So i started watching the old porn, to my dismay, my fantasies were reignited :eek: I wanted to test myself, and I wasn't sure what to think.

    Since my mistake, I've looked up, and researched everything i accepted that this was a phase, and that it was normal, for boys exploring their sexuality. I still felt overwhelmed by my thoughts which I'm starting to believe now is my OCD. I also don't have those urges anymore, and that suduction isn't there. So I'm not sure what to make of this situation..

    Yesterday, When i was revisiting my old fantasies I felt very bittersweet, I knew I was still attracted to women, and I could only ever learn to have an emotional connection to them, but at the same time I'm wondering what all of this means. I didn't feel so much like I was resorting to old ways, as I was looking at them through new eyes.

    My journey has been a long one. I'm ready to try and accept what i may be, but I really don't know what it is. I know i'm gonna have to start seeking medical help for my OCD, and try to see if this battle becomes easier, and maybe i'll get a better perspective on things by getting help for it.

    I need someone, anyone to help me figure out what's wrong with me, I know i can't be gay. Unless someone else here thinks that may be the case.

    I'm balancing on a board between, BI, and Straight here, but I've only asked here, because i felt like maybe someone here can help me find the answer I've needed to know. I want to move past this so that i can't curl up with it anymore. I want to start living my life without this ghost....any thoughts on my story, any help or advice you can give me?

    I can't change that mistake i made, But i won't be able to accept it either if i don't know where i stand on this sliding scale that is human, sexuality.

    I appreciate you'r time reading my story, It's took me 2 hours to type this, and it wasn't easy. I resisting the urge to delete all of this now, and i'm just gonna hit Submit. I hope someone out there can read my story, and try to give me some advice on it, and where to turn...I just want to know, i want to know if I'm just over thinking it all or, what?....
     
  2. Caudex

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    Well, I didn't read it all, just the first and last sentences of each paragraph. But I can tell you from that your OCD is not that bad. Don't worry too much. You sound pretty bisexual.
     
  3. Lad123

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    Wow things are pretty confusing.

    It sounds like you are bisexual because you find women and men to be sexually attractive. Although I'm not sure if its just you being in denial about finding women appealing because you want to be straight. I say this because of what you said:

    This suggests that you could be gay.

    Another thing that grabbed my attention was this

    Did you really make a vow to abstain from sex until you were married for religious reasons or was it more of a denial that you didn't really want to have sex with her?

    We can definately rule out that you're not straight so that leaves us with bisexual or gay. At this point I'm not sure which you are. I need some more info.

    When you're out and about, do you find yourself checking out girls or guys more? Do you find women sexually attractive or is it more of a 'oh shes pretty but I don't want to sleep with her'? Do you find guys sexually attracive or is it more of a 'oh hes good looking but I dont want to sleep with him'?
     
  4. fkhoms

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    Couple of things here, When i state that i wanted to be straight, I speak as i'f i'm referring to my younger self. I had never really looked at or enjoyed porn of the straight nature at the time. So it was a period in my life where i was exploring my sexuality. I tend to look at the stuff no one mentions, I started looking at porn really the same night it was first shown to me. Up until that point in my life I viewed porn as a bad thing.

    I guess it might fall back into when my father was looking at porn, and my mom, and him would get into screaming fits over it. I'm not trying to self-diagnose myself, but i feel as if that played a role in why i never actually started off looking at straight porn.

    I hate to blame the OCD again, but if it's the OCD, based on what I've learned about it, that might be why I avoided straight porn for that period in time.

    Even today, watching any kind of porn seems defistatingly wrong to me, I can't forget that i have, and anxiety disorder, which i haven't really been getting help with, I was diagnosed with it at a very young age.

    When I was with my Ex I truly did want to have sex with her, I'm not disgusted with the fact of sleeping with a women, I would actually prefer it over a man personally. As i'm sure many here know thou, you can't help sometimes what you're attracted to. Anyway, I really wanted to become more intimate with her, my religious reasons are what stopped me. I want to do things the right way. I've always tried to take my own path in life, and not follow everyone else, when it comes to sleeping around, and what not.

    The gender wouldn't matter to me, I would still wait..

    I've had fantasies about my female friends, and I've been able to get satisfaction from straight porn. The thought isn't repulsive, I feel like i would really enjoy being with a women physically, and emotionally.

    When it comes to guys, I can't see myself being emotionally involved with a guy. Although IDK, cause it's not like I've ever tired to. The physical, and the fantasies are there sometimes, but...

    Like i said, I haven't had any of these, attractions since i was in jr high, which was like 8 years, ago and I know a persons sexuality changes throughout life, but this is a confusing scenario i have. Now, I'm starting to feel this 50/50 streak....

    When I'm out, and about it's honestly a 50/50 thing. I will see a guy, and I will see a girl, and when it comes to the fantasies, I find that I see it through both lights. I can't honestly tell you which side it leans on, because I feel like it's a 50/50 thing. I find different things attractive in both genders, and they don't always relate.

    Thanks for responding hope this helps
     
  5. Ianthe

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    I don't think "not repulsive" is a very strong endorsement. I hope that all my lovers think I'm a little more exciting than "not repulsive," honestly.

    Many gay and bisexual men think at first that they couldn't form an emotional attachment to a man. But they usually can, and do.

    It seems pretty clear from what you've said that you are attracted to men. You naturally fantasize about men.
     
  6. fkhoms

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    True but the same goes for a women, and please don't take my words out of context. I do find a Women just as exciting..i wasn't trying to endorse my feelings for a women. i tried tom make that clear in my original post.

    My fantasies, and my attractions, aren't JUST for men, I have them about women too.

    you guys keeps fixating on the male ones.....
     
  7. Mango

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    You keep referring to your fantasizing about men and physical contact with males, as a mistake! It's your thinking that it's a "mistake", that's actually causing the problem.

    We are taught many things by society and culture. Most of the sex and gender stuff that's been handed down to us is wrong! So therefore, rethink your right and wrong...

    If I were you (knowing how brutal society can be), I would fully explore my heterosexual instincts first, while knowing all the while that I could very well, be bisexual. I would try to avoid feeling guilty about being sexually attracted to males. I would see how it goes with females first. My suspicions are that your feelings for females will either grow or subside. I think that your continued female exploration will help to confirm your future sexual path, one way or another...Or pehaps even both paths equally!

    Whatever you do, don't waste your time just sitting there in a quandry of confusion. Get out there and actively but safely explore!

    Don't wait until you're 40 years old for final confirmation. By then the very best will be gone!
     
  8. Chip

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    You've gotten people saying that you appear more gay than straight because, in what you've described, your earliest fantasies and interactions were about men, you continue to fantasize about men, and that seems to be a recurring theme.

    Also, from my own past experience, and those of many other gay men I know, very often the vow to not have sex before marriage is often more of a way of denying that we don't really want to have sex with women than it is a genuine religious value.

    You've briefly mentioned your faith and I wonder if that's playing a part here. I could see that if religion is a big part of your life, then the idea of being gay might be a huge problem for you, since it goes against most religious traditions.

    But the truth is, whatever your sexual orientation... that's your sexual orientation. You can't change it, and denying it isn't going to help anything.

    So I think one of the questions is... when you're out and about, on the street, at the beach, at the mall, in school... where do your eyes naturally wander when you *aren't* thinking about it? Do they go more to really hot guys, or really hot girls? When you masturbate without porn, how often, if you let your mind naturally wander, do the images and fantasies go toward men, and how often toward women?

    And you've talked about several situations where you had some sort of sexual play with boys, but have you ever had the same with girls?

    It's easy to try and convince ourselves we're straight, particularly if there's a religious underpinning that makes the idea of being gay bad. But it doesn't help things. And, of course, if the idea of being gay *is* bad, then you're going to do everything possible to deny there are any indications you're gay, and convince us (and yourself) that you feel just as strongly toward women.

    But nothing in what you said above indicates that.

    So... give a little thought to it, and tell us how you feel from reading the responses, what is going through your mind, and how you can (honestly) answer the above questions.

    Also, sometimes talking one-on-one can be helpful. If you'd like to do that, feel free to message me or any of the advisor team and we'll be happy to help.
     
  9. fkhoms

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    I agree with that statement to the Tee, It's just gonna be a matter of figuring out how to line the pieces up. I've come along way in my thoughts about it, and I'm just trying to figure out what it all means. I can't keep pulling away from my thoughts, and my feelings, I get that.

    Maybe I'm just a lil psycho IDK, but I appreciate the advice I've received, It's starting to help me look at things with a little more perspective

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 11:18 AM ----------

    I'll admit, There is that heavy urge to recoil, and try to convince people, namely this form that i'm straight. I'm human, I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to defend my sexuality, I'm just trying to figure it out. for the longest time religion has been my path to get me through a lot of ups and downs, I do consider this to be a huge burden on my life, and i don't want it to be. That's why i came here I was just tired of keeping it in to myself, no one to tell around me, and almost doing some harmful things to myself.

    I'm at a point where, I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of feeling i've let god down, my family down, and myself down. You can say it's not a mistake to have these thoughts, but I don't want to be having them.

    I'm trying to explore my feelings, and my wants, and my needs. I'm trying not to embrace those thoughts, and learn more about myself. I'm facing my ghosts, and trying to see where i stand....hopefully it will al make sense soon.....

    It just doesn't help, when one min it's girls, next min it's guys.......I'm still finding it all out, I thank you all for your opinions, and guidance

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 11:23 AM ----------

    I'm just trying to lay it all out there, I need to get past this, and i have no support here...
     
  10. Lad123

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    It may seem like we are attacking you but in order for us to help we must ask really personal questions even though you may not want to face up to them.

    Mango made a really good point that you seem to call those gay thoughts a 'mistake' when really they are normal and you shouldn't think of it like that. I think this is your main problem, and it gives me enough concern to criticize your preferences over woman. We don't want to give you false hope from giving the wrong advice so if our questions seem like an attack, please think otherwise. We are here to give support (*hug*)

    From what you have written, it sounds like you are bisexual but I have my doubts still because we need to work on your thinking that 'being gay' is a mistake.
     
  11. Chip

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    I can so relate to this last statement. When I was in the coming out process, I'd go to my therapist and my thoughts would flop around back and forth, one day i'd feel one way and the next another... and sometimes I felt I couldn't even be authentic with my therapist (which was a completely stupid thought, but nonetheless real) because I was, I'm sure, deeply trying to still be straight.

    So the labels aren't important. The feelings are. And it really isn't a binary or even a trinary, but a continuum. My own experience in talking and working with people is that it's easier to let yourself identify as "bi" because then you're not "letting go" of the idea you might be straight... and I can definitely remember a period like that myself... but often, the people who do identify as bi eventually realize they aren't really very attracted to the opposite sex, and settle on "gay." Of course, there are plenty of bisexuals out there, too, so it can definitely get confusing.

    But putting it all out there, letting your authentic self be seen, is the best thing you can do, and will play a big part in helping you accept yourself, wherever you fall on the spectrum.
     
  12. fkhoms

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    Thank you, i wasn't saying i felt attacked, I'm just saying i have no support, "HERE" in my home life. I totally understand. Forgive me when i attack back. I don't want to make excuses, and be angry with my feelings. That's why i wanted to come here, and get the thoughts from people who could relate. I've come a long way since my adolescent self, but i still have a lot farther to go it seems..

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2012 at 03:21 PM ----------

    Well it's a huge weight off my shoulders to know someone can relate to this. I'm kinda at a point now where I don't know what i'm think. I'm starting to think of ways to tell others around me, I'm just not sure how i'll be able to live my life, if i turn out to be bisexual, Or homosexual. I can't really control these thoughts, and feelings, and even if i can go a period of time without thinking about them once i do come across them. I become devastated. That's my other issue, i think I've latched my anxiety disorder to the acceptance of myself. If i have a thought about anything homosexual, or really even heterosexual I wash my face, or whatever..an OCD victim trait......So you can imagine the anxiety i have, when I have that fantasy, or even that thought, and i go insane. That's not how i should act, and i realizes that.

    but anyway, I'm just gonna take my time, I'm in no rush, this is really between me, and myself, and I know ultimately the choice, will come down to me. It's just very helpful to get some help, and i thank you for that...