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What the hell is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TrueBlue8228, Aug 29, 2012.

  1. TrueBlue8228

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    Well I need to be either diagnosed or some advice or w/e.

    So pretty much this point in my life, I have come to accept that I am gay and I'm happy about it. I probably wouldn't want it any other way.

    I've come out to a bunch of friends (all but one was through some liquid courage). I was on a roll a few months ago coming out to my friends that I would have told you today that I would be completely out, but still I'm only out to those same group of friends and no one at work or any family members know.

    But here is the thing. I am who I am, and I'm proud of how far I've gotten in the past 6-8 months. I just want to be able to do things if you wanna say "gay related" (club, date or whatever) without having to hide or cover up my tracks. I have been going to clubs and stuff every now and then and its such a hassle to tell people that I did other and lie, just isn't worth it.

    Anyways I'm rambling,

    What I need to know is why is it that if I 100% accept that I am gay, why do I continue to give a s**t what everyone else would think of me. Not just friends, or family, but strangers...People I don't even know and most likely would never see again.

    This has been bugging the hell out of me. Like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't F'ing reach it because I can't get over this stupid s**t!!!?!?!

    Is it anxiety? Am I just all f**ked up in my head? Should I seek some professional help?? I just envy the few people I know who are gay and they don't give a shit if someone across the road yells a derogatory statement...but nope not me.:bang:

    I'm just screwed....ughhhh


    TB
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Accepting that you're gay is a huge step. But accepting you're gay and letting go of all the shame and internalized homophobia you've been programmed with by society, media, and culture is something different entirely.

    Shame is an issue for everyone -- we all have it, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it -- but it is a particular issue for LGBT people because of all of the messages we get growing up. And at it's core, shame is a very deep, often unconscious, belief that we're not worthy of love and belonging.

    So when the bigot yells "Faggot" at us, even if we're consiously cool and can laugh it off, unconsciously it can still hurt, because part of us believes that we are second-rate and don't really "belong" to the straight world.

    Secondarily, LGBT people have spent a tremendous amount of time "fitting in", i.e., being someone we're not, being inauthentic to our true selves. And we've done that for years and years. So even if you've come out and been out for a year, or two, or three... there are still remnants of the natural tendency to be inauthentic, and to feel a little "naked" when someone essentially points out that we don't fit in. And "fitting in", whether or not successful, ultimately contributes to shame, because it reinforces the idea that our authentic selves aren't enough for us to be worthy of love and belonging, which are irreducible human needs.

    So the long and short is... coming out is an important first step. The next step is learning to be authentic, and vulnerable... to be yourself, to let your true self be seen. That's the only way you can really love, be loved, experience empathy. And vulnerability is also the birthplace of creativity, joy, and many other important aspects of self.

    Therapy is always helpful if it's a viable option (financially and otherwise) for you. But from what you're describing so far, I don't sense any unusual or problematic anxiety other than the normal anxiety of any recently-out person. All of us have been where you are, and it doesn't feel good. But it is a step along the path to being more open and wholehearted.

    The above comments on shame and vulnerability are based on the work of Brené Brown, Ph.D, a researcher whose work in this area I believe to be absolutely crucial for LGBT people. If you're intrigued, I recommend her about-to-come out book "Daring Greatly", and "Gifts of Imperfection." She has also done some really powerful (and funny and captivating) presentations for TED. All are good, here's a good one to start.

    [youtube]X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube]​

    If you have more questions/thoughts/comments, please post in this thread. If it's something you'd like to talk about more individually, feel free to PM me. Dr. Brown's work, and its application to LGBT populations, is something that's an interest of mine.
     
  3. Dummy

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    First of all relax. ok? don't be so hard on yourself. It's not that easy to come out to your family sometimes. The fact that you've already come out to some people is important itself. A big step. So don't worry, take your time and tell them whenever you're ready. Try next time they ask you where were you or what you were doing to tell them the truth. Just like that. Also people are going to judge you no matter if you're gay straight trans smart stupid hansome ugly intresting boring if you have piercings or tatoos if you wear black if you walk funny if your eyes are brown or purple:slight_smile:P) or green if you're tall or short you have long hair short hair you wear glasses you don't wear glasses etc etc etc... So just get used to it. It's just another of your charasteristics. Another part of you. It's who you are.
     
  4. lwp08reh

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    Hey,

    I'm not surprised you're still anxious because you're not out to family yet! Let's be honest here, coming out to friends is CONSIDERABLY easier then broaching the subject with family. Your friends like you for your personality, not who you choose to sleep with so relationships with friends will always be fairly straightforward.

    Once you receive the acceptance and recognition of your family I imagine the anxiety and uncertainty over being gay will begin to dissapear. It will give you a new sense of self-confidence, particularly around colleagues and strangers.

    It's great that you're feeling upbeat but you are still hiding your sexuality from a certain section of people and while that remains, you will still feel uncomfortable about being gay (I believe they call it internalized homophobia). Sounds to me like you're half way there!
     
  5. Lexington

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    It's a human characyeristic, actually, and one not confined to gays or tgis particular instance. I've seen people twist themselves into pretzels trying to "look acceptable" to...well, "the public". It's as if high school never ended, and they're still scared of what the cool kids might think. I don't mean to suggest that homophobia doesn't exist, and that discretion isn't a smart move fr some folks in some situations. But I know one guy who only bought his car after seeing what everyone else in the neighborhood owned - that's just silly.

    Lex
     
  6. TrueBlue8228

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    Thanks for all the input!

    I regret every playing the "I'm straight" game for so long that I see where you (Chip) are coming from. I guess what's done is done and I'll have to work through this.

    One of my friends who I came out to, that I originally thought would take it negatively, has been the most supportive person out of everyone I've told. He told me that he's gonna say stuff like "gay" and "fag" just because its something he's being saying his whole life, not derrogatory, but just like another word with no real meaning (idk, I actually understand what he means) and not to take offense to it when it slips out. And I've actually found when he slips with these words after time it doesn't bother me. Sucks tho, I wish I could feel the same about everyone else, but I'll just have to work on that and gain some confidence and not give a hoot what other people think!!

    TB