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Two Problems (Parents and Dating)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Yaks, Aug 29, 2012.

  1. Yaks

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2012
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, it has been almost exactly a year since I've come out of the closet to my friends and family. I already had a gay cousin in the family, so my coming out wasn't all that shocking to anyone at that point.

    However, since I live on the other side of the country from my entire family I don't get to see them very often. This last week my mom and a good friend came out to visit and we've been having a great time together.. Except for the fact that whenever I even make a gesture of lesbianism, my mom seems to get quiet and uncomfortable. She's a very loving, open and supporting person. Even well before I came out she always said "If more people would admit they were at least bisexual we'd live in a much happier world."

    I'm not sure if it's just her not being sure what to do with me as a lesbian or if she's honestly uncomfortable. I'm not really sure what to say to her either about the subject, but I can feel the difference in the air when I bring it up. Around my friend she does the joking "Oh look, that's your new boyfriend" towards odd looking people on the street, like she used to do with me, but she hasn't done anything like that with me involving women. She hasn't even asked if I'd gone on any dates or anything recently.

    It makes me a little sad that I feel like I can't come to my mom for dating advice anymore, since she seems to not want to even discuss the topic. (At least not willingly) It's even harder with her living so far away that I can't get her used to the idea that I'm a lesbian.. I'm just not really sure what to do.

    ...My other issue is more my own personal thing.

    I know I'm a lesbian. I've been that way since I can remember, though I did a pretty good job of repressing those urges. I was actually married (in a very abusive relationship) at 18 and divorced by 21. I tried dating men, but they've all gone terribly wrong simply because I'm just not interested.

    But anyway, I'm having a hard time letting myself enjoy what I know I enjoy. Like, I have a hard time just letting myself look at a girl I know I find attractive and enjoy it. I start feeling awkward and ashamed. I feel like even though I'm out of the closet, I'm still not fully out to myself.

    I grew up in an extremely conservative, small town. I forced myself to do the "right" thing and ended up marrying a terrible person and losing an important part of my young life.. but I can't seem to get past that barrier. I go to Pride parades and the lesbian bar here, but I still can't let myself go. I want to look and dance and enjoy myself, but something keeps holding me back.

    Has anyone else felt this way after coming out?
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be honest, I wonder if the two parts of your post are related - that part of the reason you're having trouble being comfortable as a lesbian, despite the pride parades and night scene, is that you're carrying that small conservative town around with you in your head - as well as your assumption that your mother disapproves of you in some way (quite frankly, I did almost the same thing for a long time).

    As far as she goes, I suspect that your mother is just going through an adjustment phase. Whether she's supportive or not - and it sounds like she genuinely is - finding out that you're not hetero means an adjustment of her expectations, hopes, and fears for your life - and finding it out from a distance does mean that there will be less chance for direct contact, and it could take longer.

    Have you talked to her about the possibility that she's not 100% comfortable with the news? If not, do you think that you'd be able to have that conversation with her? Assuming that you don't get any earth-shattering revelations from such a talk, you might just treat your sexuality as if it were completely normal - ask her for dating advice; if she doesn't point out women on the street, do it yourself. Assuming you keep the conversation about her reactions open, the two of you should be able to give each other chances to talk and think about coming to terms with the "new" you - even from across the country.