While I've been, slowly, trying to meet other LGBT people [hoping to, finally, attend my second group meeting tomorrow evening] and feel I've made gradual progress in self-acceptance, is there anything I can do to stop thinking about all this constantly? I know I've spoken about this before, more or less, but I'm reaching a point where I honestly don't know whether it will ever stop. Sometimes I hate how asocial I've been in the past, maybe things would have been clearer if I didn't just have the internet as the source of my 'exploration'. Why does sexuality have to be so complicated as to fuck with my mind. It doesn't make sense that, even without experience, you could just 'know' what sexuality you are [that you could, technically, be with one sex but you know you wouldn't be as fulfilled as you would with the other.] Sometimes it's feels as though it's not so much a matter of, "I wish I was straight/bi, not gay," as, "I wish I was nothing, so I didn't have to worry about loneliness." Sorry for posting another rant thread, not even sure if this accurately sums up how I'm feeling at times, just wanted to get it out.
Its cool, post as many as you like. I think even if you were nothing you would still be worried about lonliness, although right now it might feel like it would be better. If people didnt know what their sexuality was then straight people wouldnt know they were straight and their would be a whole lot more experimentation (perhaps that would be a good thing, I guess we will never know). Im not sure there is any one thing that you can do to make it better, but a combination of things that can and will help in time. Unfortunately there is no magic wand to wave, otherwise I would wave it over you. Firstly you can stop beating yourself up over what happened in the past, you can change it however much you think its wrong or right or you would like to, its done. You can act on your present and influence your future and thats what you should concentrate on. Secondly the best way I can describe it or liken it is to loosing someone close to you (not that I am saying its the same as such) if you loose someone close they are all you can think of, you get down and sad and upset, small things get to you that wouldnt normally. You feel like you are never going to come out the otherside, life is never going to be the same again. Nothing you can do makes you feel any better. It is or can be a bit like this when you are trying to accept yourself and I guess in a way it is almost like grieving for the straight person you thought you were or you tried to pretend to be. In time it will lessen, and the best way to encourage it along is to keep yourself busy, keep talking about it, to those you can and when you feel ready tell more people. You say you are trying to meet more people just keep doing that, it will get better.
Hey! You're 21 yrs old! You live in New York! Get the hell out! Go to Greenwich Village and hangout at a "popular" coffee shop or something... Find out where all the gays hang out and make that your spot. Join an gay advocacy group or something...Get out! Get active! And stay safe! Make certain that you you're clean, you smell really good, and wear something really cute... You could ride a bicycle maybe, and wear a really nice hat, with a really cute matching backpack!
SilverHalo: I guess I am kind of grieving a bit still. It's hard for me to believe I'm really gay, as though it's just a theory. While I wouldn't say I pretended [only really questioned my sexuality, sincerely, after twenty,] being straight or assuming I was interested in girls seems like the norm to me. Yet, I don't think I appreciate women fully the way I imagine a straight or bisexual man would, but then how can I be sure? Reminds me of a comment I once read on here, to paraphrase, about one's feelings is that you can't compare them to anyone elses' so it makes it even more difficult to understand our sexuality. And I've never had a crush, deep feelings, been 'in love' with another man, it still embarrasses and confuses me that I became aware of my attractions through the internet [esp. when I sometimes still view stuff with women.] Relating to the 'gay before the internet' thread, it makes me wonder if I ever would have realized an attraction to men without it. This just makes me feel like even more of an outsider than I've already felt for most of my life. Mango: Except that I'm in Upstate New York rather than NYC, you don't know much I'd love to visit a place like Greenwich Village [if it was that easy, probably wouldn't be mulling over these issues so much. :\
Hey Josh, I definitely feel ya on that one. I kind of posted something similar this morning as to this. The responses gave me a second thought as to if I really am 100% accepting the fact that I'm gay. Trust me, I have those constant thoughts running in my head all the time. One thing that did help me a few months ago was coming out to my best friend. I think a key to solving or helping this issue is getting to talk to someone about it. Once that weight was off my shoulders, I was able to talk to my friend about everything. And it was weird because he was overly curious and was intrigued by everything, ect, but nonetheless we talked. And as we would talk about it, things wouldn't bother me so much. Not saying its the piece to fixing anything but it does help to have a person to talk to. Looks though like your heading in the right direction by going to the meetings. Once you find someone to talk things with, trust me things will help! @Mango, He's right. Even though it says NYC for me, I'm also kind of upstate NY and there isn't anything. I have seen areas by me attempt to fix this but it always end up dwindling away. TB
i feel you man. This whole gay thing seems so easy for some people-out at 15 and mom and dad say 'we always knew and we were waiting for you'. for the rest of us it is a painful and lonely road. It has exahusted me to the point that sometimes i wish i could switch off my sexuality like a light switch just for a few minutes so that i may be at peace. We can only hope that things will get better.
TB: That's true. While I've talked at length with people online about it, it's simply not the same as actually speaking about it and it's awkward to talk about to the two people I'm out to in person at the moment [a 'friend' and my mother.] As far as the meetings, I've only been able to go to one so far since, for a number of reasons, it's difficult to get there every Thursday [when they meet.] Glad that things have been going better for you and hope they continue to remain so. Desert: Yeah, kind of wish I was one of those people who 'always knew' what they are, even if they didn't have 'the word' for it yet. Makes things worse for the rest when it feels that one hasn't been in denial so much as completely oblivious to it for so long, assuming it was always there.
