I tend to like to have rants now and then and also feel that this is probably the only place I can discuss things of this nature. It's likely that nobody will reply because it's basically just a summary of what's going on right now and how I'm feeling - this is kinda a way I can vent it out. Anyways... I've had a few confusing, drunken experiences in which I've kissed girls and questioned my sexuality, which I kind of just assume is because I was drunk. The day after I was like. 'do I like girls?', 'was it real?', but I'm guessing and putting it to me just liking kissing. I doubt I actually enjoyed it. I also had my first experience with the same-sex (my best-friend) which wasn't actually enjoyed by both parties (he's straight), it was just a dare during spin-the-bottle. I know I need to understand that he's straight, but I was quite upset when after a few seconds he pulled away and said 'this is too weird...', but he's kissed a guy for a lot longer in the past. Maybe I shouldn't take it to heart though, he's straight. He doesn't know I'm gay though and I know I like him because I kissed another guy that same night and felt nothing. During the party that the kissing happened him and my female best got very...close and I found myself getting really angry and jealous, which I really don't want to happen. They were in my bed kissing, doing other...things whilst I was in there and I just had to leave. I promised I'd never go there and that I didn't like him, but I really do. I'm not going to pursue anything, obviously. The two are coming over again (party whilst my parents are over) in which I insisted they both slept on a blow-up bed because I don't think I could sleep in a bed that they had sex in, it would weirdly hurt. It's not my place to say that they can't get together, so I must accept it. It doesn't seem like I'm ANY closer to coming out, although I almost did drunkenly to all that are present. But it seems like I've just took so many steps backwards in regards to how comfortable I am with everything. My anxiety is also getting way more severe, I'm resorting to drink to feeling comfortable around people and when I do, I do things I can't even remember. Apparently it was me asking everyone to have 3 way kisses and other things, and I don't want them to think it's because I like my guy best-friend, which I think they could be catching on to. I know my structure of this post is a little off and rant-like, but that's all it really was. If anyone feels like they could give me any advice or opinions on the above then I'll really appreciate it! Thanks for reading (even if it did bore the crap out of you!), Lewis
