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Mother on the fence - Won't let me moveout.. I have a lease?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Koll, Aug 30, 2012.

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  1. Koll

    Koll
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    Hi guys.

    So here's my situation. I'm 17, I work a part time job, and I own a car.
    I have a boyfriend, and he has an apartment and we've been together for quite some time.


    We bought a new place together and we're set to move in on Oct 1st. My mother was very supportive of the idea, and I would be here with her on some weekends.

    Suddenly though, mother refuses to let me move out, claimng it's cheaper for me to live here and that she can't afford me to move out. Here in Canada, I can legally leave if I wish at age 16, and live with someone of my choosing [Source] -- Except my mother proclaims me leaving will put her in a bad financial spot, and that she wants me to stay here for two more years (With, may I add, her husband I despise and my step-brothers that I'm always to be 'watching'). I refuse..

    I don't want to taint my relationship with her, however how do I explain I'm ready to put on my grownup shoes and detach? I cannot leave my boyfriend in a financial situation (And I really don't want to) by not being able to move in with him, nor do I understand how my mother financially suffers.

    I'm not sure what to do. I can't speak with her or confront her, otherwise she freaks out / has a meltdown / just gets angry and attempts to ground me for 'starting shit' with her.

    TLDR Lease in 1 month, Mother changed her mind; Future may be ruined. What do. :bang:
     
    #1 Koll, Aug 30, 2012
  2. King

    King Guest

    I assume your parents are divorced, by your mention of step-brothers and "her husband". Does your mother get child support from your father? She might lose the money if you move out. My parents are separated and my mom said that if I moved out and didn't go to school, she would stop getting payments from my dad. Maybe she means that she'll stop receiving his money and she doesn't want that to happen.

    As for how to deal with it, just tell her you're almost an adult (as I'm sure she'll fight and say you aren't 18 yet) and that you can make your own decisions, and that you don't want to leave your boyfriend in a bad spot. Tell her that she was supportive at the beginning so she can't change her mind that easily, unless there's a very strong, legitimate reason for you to stay.
    Good luck. x
     
    #2 King, Aug 30, 2012
  3. Koll

    Koll
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    This is the thing. We haven't had contact with my biological father for quite some time, and he has never paid child support.
     
    #3 Koll, Aug 30, 2012
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    This may sound a little bit harsh, but your mother's financial responsibilities are hers, not yours. Additionally, she had her opportunity to object when yo first brought it up, but she was supportive.

    I think this has little to do with finances. I think she is being clingy and doesn't want to let go, and even if you were to wait two years, I'm not convinced you wouldn't get the same tap dance then.

    The individuation process (the child separating, in thoughts, ideas, as well as physically from the parents, and the emotional turmoil that comes from that) is often a bit rocky, and the relationship with the parent(s) is frequently a little bit rough during the first several months. But it improves over time, and, quite frankly, it's almost always necessary for there to be some level of discomfort in order for the child to fully disengage and individuate.

    I'd have a calm conversation and say, in so many words, that you proposed the idea to her, she was supportive, and you took action based on her support. If she had an objection, financial or otherwise, she should have raised it when you brought it up. You've now signed a lease, and one of the things she taught you was to honor commitments and obligations that you've made, and you intend to do that. You hope it won't permanently affect your relationship, but it is something you need to do, and will do. You'd like her support, but you will do it regardless.

    And then just do it. If she tries to control you by threatening to take away ____________, then just call her on it: tell her you realize this is about control, not logic, and if she really wants to do that, she can, but it will damage the relationship and you're trying to be reasonable and mature about things.

    I'm certain she'll come around. She's just having a hard time letting go, and that isn't an uncommon problem.
     
    #4 Chip, Aug 30, 2012
  5. Lad123

    Lad123
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    Chip beat me to it ^^

    I was going to say that your mum supported the idea of you moving out when you first brought it up so it is really not fair of her to go back on her words, especially not having already signed the lease. If she explained the situation of you leaving her in a bad financial spot to begin with then maybe she has some credibility in her reasoning however to spring this on you so suddenly, it is cruel and unreasonable. Just leave.
     
    #5 Lad123, Aug 30, 2012
  6. Aldrick

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    Chip pretty much said everything I wanted to say. Her financial difficulties are not your concern, and if they were really such an issue she should have brought them up in the first place. Is that harsh? Yes. But you've already signed the lease, so the alternative is to leave your boyfriend hanging.

    Her actions have put you in a difficult position where you have to choose. Since it is her fault you're in this position, if she really will have financial difficulties as a result of you leaving (which I'm not entirely sure I believe); then she has no one to blame but herself. You don't have to take responsibility for her problems.
     
    #6 Aldrick, Aug 30, 2012
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