A little background... So I'm about to start my last year of undergrad, and I've definitely had my ups and downs. I'm a good student and people like me... but being closeted has taken its toll on me. Constantly trying to repress who I am in an effort to deal with shame and guilt has landed me in a lot of trouble with the law (for substance-abuse-related offenses). I've been trying to change this past summer but I've only been feeling worse about myself. Lately, I can't help feeling that I'm going deeper and deeper into the closet. I deleted my facebook and I don't really talk to people anymore. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a psychologist and I started taking an anti-depressant but its not really making me feel better about who I am as a person; the only thing I've really noticed is an increase in energy. Pot is the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I really just can't stop hating myself for who I am. It's like the self-acceptance phase isn't possible for me... I'm pretty much a chain cigarette-smoker at this point and music/drugs are all I care about anymore. And I do contribute to society/live a functional life; I go to one of the best public universities in the country and get good grades/I'm responsible and hold down jobs with no problem, but as a person, I'm a mess. I met this guy during my second year of college. We started off as friends: hanging out, smoking weed, etc. But last year feelings definitely started to develop between us and he wants sex but I'm just too nervous. (note: we were both closeted when the feelings developed. He might have been out to some people, but I'm only out to my psychologist, which, by the way, wasn't *that* liberating to be honest). But I think we just kind of "knew" and became attracted to each other. It's not that I'm not self-confident; I'm decently attractive and I get hit on by girls/guys a lot. And I really crave sex (and I fantasize about it w/ this particular guy); I'm just too afraid to initiate it, let alone open up and tell people that I'm gay. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think that I was sexually abused as a child, but I don't remember anything specific happening. But I suspect this is because I've been in a heavy dissociative state since my senior year of high school (the term for it is "derealization"). I don't know if it was brought on by all of the drugs I did, or if it is my mind trying to protect me from harmful memories. I asked my psychologist about it and he didn't really give me an answer... But part of me thinks that all of this just stems from me being shy/introverted, because I have been all of my life. Sorry for the long post. advice desperately needed
You feel like nothing in your life is real? Like life is a movie you are watching and it's really all happening to someone else, or not at all? I felt like that sometimes, during my parents divorce when my mother sort of went off the deep end, but not constantly sustained for any long period. Are you in regular therapy with the psychologist? It's possible you were abused, but it's also possible that you are paralyzed by your shame about your sexuality, just in itself. The drugs will keep you numb and prevent you from being able to really deal with your feelings and your shame. Have you considered really trying to get clean?
Are you out to your psychologist? If you aren't I would strongly recommend you come out to the them. I don't see any reason for you not to. They are trained professional and if they have any problem with your sexuality, then you they aren't a qualified therapist. I would be careful with this line of thinking. People have been convinced that sexual abuse has happened when its really been completely made up. Literally people have gone to jail for child abuse that never happened because someone developed these "false memories" later in life. Yes, memories can be repressed, but if you look for repressed memories, chances are your going to make something up, and that is not good! I know this is especially a problem when hypnotism is involved, but I could see drugs causing it too. I would talk to your psychologist about coming out strategies. I'm sure she can help you practice coming out to individuals, and hopefully that will help alleviate some of the stress. Best of luck (*hug*)
Unfortunately, my last session with my psychologist was a few days ago (yes I came out to her about my sexuality during one of the first sessions). I guess I'm more concerned with my fear of sex and intimacy. I know that homosexuality is natural, but for some reason I can't muster up the courage to be open with others about my sexuality/initiate sex
Do you have any self-esteem issues, specifically with your body? Also like you said, it could be that you're just very shy.
Well, I think you might want to separate things out a little here. As a somewhat anxious person myself, I know it's easy to get flabbergasted by the idea of coming out/opening up/dealing with intimacy/keeping an eye on the rest of your life. BUT: there's no reason you have to tackle all of this in one concerted effort. Essentially, as you describe your situation, I could see three different things, all of which you can do entirely separately: - Coming out - Being more open about private matters - Your relationship with this guy Even if you're working on getting a bit more physical with this guy, there's no reason that needs to result in coming out immediately. If you're coming out, that doesn't mean to result in you telling everyone about yourself to just anyone. And if you're being a bit more open, that doesn't mean you need to immediately be OK with sex. So... you might want to pick just one, and say "hey, the other bridges are ones I'll cross when I get to them!" And even then, those bridges can be crossed one step at a time. Since you spend the biggest part of your previous posts mentioning the fear of having sex with this guy, let's take that as an example. First of all: forget what you saw in movies. Sex doesn't have to be this entirely wordless thing. It doesn't have to be going all the way immediately. So you might be able to just push your comfort level one bit at a time. And there can be time for reflection in between. Since you mention this guy craves sex, I'm assuming that you at least had some kind of discussion about it. So.. there might be an opportunity to have one again. In which you agree what could be a first step. Doesn't even have to be much. Could be as much as clothed hugging. Could be one long peck on the cheek. Could be sitting next to each other and holding a hand on each other's knee. Agree it stops there for now, and that you'll discuss whatever next step could happen. for example, from the clothed hugging, you could try hugging in your underwear. Going on to shirtless hugging, etc. The hand on the knee could move a bit up to halfway the leg. All of those are, by themselves, really just small steps. But small steps can be confidence builders. Full sex might then not happen for a couple of weeks or months yet, but agree to just focus on the journey there. It's not the traditional way ther, but it might, for you, be the right way. And that's all that matters, really. I'll admit I'm jumping to a lot of assumptions how things are between you and this friend. So do feel free to tell me if it could work, or if it couldn't, and why not.
