I've been trying hard recently, to understand my own feelings. More importantly my feelings towards other people. The feelings that seem to transcend normal companionship. The feelings that stick with you as days pass. The nervousness and excitement just from being around someone. Being perfectly content simply sharing their company. Caring so much about someone, you are certain you'd give your life to save theirs. Knowing you want that person to be a part of your life no matter what difficulties may lie ahead. I'm still trying to figure out why I have these feelings. I have been perfectly content being "alone". I have a number of close friends and family members and have felt truly happy in life. Seemingly out of nowhere, I've developed all these wonderful feelings for one person. Wonderfully bittersweet. I simply want to know how and why feelings for someone can become so strong. At least then I may have some sense of control over them.
I'm curious about why you feel like you need to "control" these feelings - do you think they're inappropriate in some way? It's hard to say why exactly you might feel this way without knowing more about the whole situation, but sometimes feelings like this build slowly over time, and we only become aware of them until they're full-fledged and impossible to ignore or reinterpret. How long have you known the person, and can you remember having positive feelings about them before you felt this strongly? Why do you think these feelings began - some connection that the two of you share, whether personal or professional?
Only inappropriate in a sense that the feelings might not be returned. Historically, my experiences have not been entirely positive. More often than not because the feelings aren't mutual. It's the hypocrisy of it that drives me nuts. I'm not really one to actively pursue a relationship for relationship's sake. Generally it isn't much of a concern until I realize my feelings for someone. At least that's been the case for several years now. And every time they're either straight or uninterested. I don't want to sound like I've given up, but I was happier being happy. I guess I just don't believe in love. Every time I've questioned that I've ended up less than happy.
Well I think that you're right not to pursue a relationship for a relationship's sake - but there are other reasons to pursue relationships that are a little more, for lack of a better word, healthy for a person. Maybe they add a social dimension to your life that you don't find or that is difficult to find on your own. Maybe they encourage you in ways that are important to you. Maybe there's a kind of comfort you find in daily physical contact with a person (and I don't mean sex). I guess the question to ask is how you find yourself attracted to unavailable people in the first place. Where do you meet them? What do you notice about them first? Why is it hypocritical?
How I find myself attracted to unavailable people is a great question. I've been trying to figure that out myself. I suppose their availability isn't my biggest concern. Mostly because i'm not really looking for anything. Looking back, I've usually met the people I've developed feelings for throughout normal everyday life. Just over a year ago it was a guy I met in Tech school. Before that it was a gay friend of a friend. Prior to that it had been someone I had become friends with first. I guess what I notice first about the people I've fallen for is who they are on the inside. More often than not, it's the similarities between us. By the time I end up looking at their availability it's usually too late, and my feelings begin to take hold of me. What I find hypocritical is that I can care so much about someone, and it still is meaningless. Typically I just want to make the person happy. I can understand my own draw to a relationship. But it's always been an interest in a specific person and not just the idea of a boyfriend or a relationship. Honestly, I don't really want a relationship. I've witnessed far too much heart-ache brought on by relationships. It's rare to find an instance where a relationship is a positive experience. I guess all I want out of a relationship is to truly, and deeply care for someone who feels the same about me. So far, the people I've cared about haven't felt the same for me. The very few times I've tried dating, I've never developed real feelings for the person. Normally I'm perfectly content with my life just as it is. It's when I realize how I feel about someone, when I develop a longing for a deeper level of connection, both physical and emotional. I will admit that physical contact is of a great desire (not in a sexual way as you also stated). But only once I've developed deep feelings for someone. Oddly enough, my desire for sexual contact is the least of my concerns, at least in the case of the people I've truly wanted a relationship with.
