Need advice on how to cope...

This is hard for me to come out and say... I don't know why, but because as much as I've searched I can't seem to find someone who is/has going/gone through what I am. It makes me feel like some oddity that doesn't belong anywhere. That isn't really the point of this post, but I wanted you all to know so maybe you could bear with me and give me some advice on coping with what I am going through.

I've recently realized I'm bi-gender/gender-fluid or something like that. It was only really a revelation of what it was though, because I've been feeling like this as far back as I can remember (which means since I was 5). So sometimes I feel like a man, and sometimes like a woman, well sort of. If it was just that simple I don't think I'd have a problem.

I'm biologically male, and I have a unmistakably male physique. When I am feeling like a man I have no problems. I look in the mirror and think "there is one sexy beast of a man" and all that. I like my body. But, when I feel like a woman I look in the mirror and feel like it isn't even me looking back. Every inch of my just feels disgustingly masculine. I end up depressed and wanting to be able to just rip my brain out and put it in the body of a woman. I've tried dressing up and being as female as possible, but the body, it just all feels so horribly wrong and it depresses me more. I know it wouldn't be any better if I actually was a woman though, because then this feeling would happen whenever I felt like a man. During these times it is like my female side is trapped by a man to. Just by the biology of it. Like it can never really get out fully because of my body.

My sexuality just makes it worse. I'm straight, both male and female me. One of the biggest enjoyments of the intimate experience for me is the feeling of a man's body and woman's body pressing together etc. But, that leaves me so frustrated and even more depressed when I am feeling female. During those times I want a man, I'm attracted to men... But I've tried being with men before during those times, and the fact that I'm still in a male body meant I got absolutely no enjoyment from the experience. Even kissing a man, my female side might want it so bad but I get no enjoyment. I don't have the gentle female lips, he's not caressing my female form. Being with a woman during those times is bearable, so at least I've been able to maintain relationships with women. But I am always left dissatisfied with the experience. My female needs are impossible to meet in this body. When I feel male of course I very much enjoy being with a woman and have no interest in men at all.

It's like I can't win. There is no magic wand to wave and make my body female this week and male the next. One side will always be caged in the wrong body. Because of that it feels like I can never escape this depression that has haunted me most of my life. That led me here, to see if maybe somebody could give me some advice on how to cope with those times I feel female. Some way to alleviate some of the pain I feel when I'm in the wrong body.

Thank you all for reading.

Love you all,
Ash (female me)

 

I'm sure I don't have schizophrenia. No paranoia, hallucinations, disorganized speech/thinking or really any of the markers for it. Perhaps you meant dissociative identity disorder, and it is one of the first things I thought about a long time ago. I don't think it actually fits, though it is possible. I'm almost exactly the same person no matter what. The only difference between when I feel male and when I feel female aside from the feeling of being in the wrong body is the gender I am attracted to, and I'm a little more emotional and "touchy feely" when I'm female (I love hugs, cuddling, etc.) Everything else about me is exactly the same. It doesn't feel like I'm a different person, just a different gender in the wrong body.

No offense taken. It was one of the first things I thought of to.

@};-- Ash