1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Feel like I'm selfish for thinking someone should care about me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jared, Aug 31, 2012.

  1. Jared

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2012
    Messages:
    875
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    I'm not really sure why, but I've been feeling really down and alone. I started seeing a therapist a month ago and for a while I thought I was doing a bit better, but in the last few days I started feeling like crap again. I don't really know why, but I've got myself pretty well convinced that nobody gives a f:***: about me. :tears: I've pretty much only had myself as a support system for most of my life and when I try to open up to people in real life I tend to end up hurt. For the last few days I've pretty much been thinking "Why would anyone care about me? What have I done to think I deserve someone to care about me?" I guess I don't feel like I'm worthy of anyone caring about me.

    Earlier today my mom, for the first time in a while, actually noticed I was feeling kinda down and asked why. And then stupid f:***:ing me decided to tell her again, I've tried telling her before, basically thinking that the millionth time's the charm. :bang: It pretty much ended with her telling me I'm cold SOB (loved the irony in that :eusa_doh:slight_smile: since I talked about my problems and not hers, I'm selfish for hating myself (don't really understand that) and that maybe I'm just f:***:ing crazy if I can't just snap my fingers and get over my issues.:tears: Normally I'm a lot better at letting things my parents say roll off me, but I was already feeling crappy and now I'm pretty hurt and angry.

    I feel like I was stupid and selfish for thinking that she would/could do anything other than what she's done before, which kinda makes me mad at myself for making the same mistake over and over again. I'm beginning to remember why I spent most of high school keeping things bottled up, it's easier to not get hurt. Sorry if I ranted and vented too much and that I keep posting my problems on here, it's just I don't really have anyone I can to turn to in real life right now and I needed to tell someone.
     
  2. Salazar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2011
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Well... It seems you are in a predicament. I have the same thing with my mum, actually. She can be so, SO irritating!! I tend not to show my feelings about anything, because it's easier that way, so apparently I'm 'cold and calculating'. I tend to just ignore her.

    I terms of feeling lonely, it comes and goes, and I do tend to bottle it up and ignore it, and, though it may not be good, that's the best I have. Sawwy! (*hug*)
     
  3. Lad123

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    I'm here for you! :kiss:

    Your mum sounds so uncaring that no wonder you don't feel like you have any support. She needs a kick up the backside and listen to you seriously without making such nasty comments. Its a shame everyone here on EC is all over the world otherwise I'd give you a big hug (*hug*)
     
  4. JohnD

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I have felt that way most of my life. My family was to say the least very disfunctional. I have not talked to my mom in years. I have made myself distant from brother and sister as well. Now I find myself after 24 years of in a relatonship just wanting to be alone. I have moved into my own room and sleep better and feel safer. The bigger the wall the better I felt. Now I know nothing else. I thank about death, not killing myself but ready for the next life or whatever the hell is next. I in no way wish harm to anyone or myself, so dont freek out. Im just saying I feel some people are made to be alone, and if you are comfortable with yourself, be happy.
     
  5. Jared

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2012
    Messages:
    875
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    I've been called that a lot, along with arrogant and stuck up, since I spent a long time never showing emotion and I'm extremely shy, it's how I kept myself safe and from getting hurt.

    Thanks (*hug*) Reading this made me feel better and a bit less alone. I'd love to give her a "kick up the backside" and a nice reality check, but seeing as my parents are paying for college that may not work out so well :frowning2:
     
  6. pancake111

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2011
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    Its weird that your mom wants you to get over your problems but for some reason she doesn't have to get over hers. Also I don't think you should feel self-fish for thinking about yourself. If you feel like crap you should think about youself. Good thing you're seeing a therapist so you don't keep everything bottled up. I know what that's like and I hate it.
     
  7. Yuya

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2011
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Melbourne
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When I was 18 I felt like that too, you're young don't take such things to heart. You'll eventually find yourself and become much more grounded and happier. Take the time off to do the things you like to let loose some of that stress. Focus on the positives rather than the negetives. I find friends are a good source of happiness.
     
  8. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    (*hug*)

    My mom is like that, too. She even started ranting at me once for not providing her with the emotional support she needs. Apparently it never occurred to her that relying on your child as your sole source of emotional fulfillment may not be a good idea. She also gets personally offended whenever I am less than perfect. In high school, for example, she would start getting on my case when my grade dropped below 95% in a class (not an exaggeration, sadly). So if I fail to live up to her expectations or if I'm depressed, she interprets it as meaning I hate her, even when it has nothing at all to do with her. She eventually kicked me out of the house for failing to show her enough "love" and "respect". To this day I still have a negative reaction to the word "respect" because for so much of my life it meant doing exactly what she told me to do, ten seconds before she opened her mouth, and doing it perfectly, never questioning anything she said.

    Needless to say, I am also seeing a therapist.

    I wish I had some advice on how to move past this, but I'm not entirely sure. One thing that's helped a little is acknowledging my feelings and letting myself think that they just might be legitimate after all and not just a result of me being selfish and lazy. Talking helps, too. Hearing my therapist say, "There is something wrong with your mom," helped me realize that it isn't all just in my head.
     
  9. Lad123

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Ok, I will kick her up the backside for you. Deal? ^^

    Pm/vm me if you're ever feeling lonely and I'll try get back to you asap (*hug*)
     
  10. Jared

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2012
    Messages:
    875
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Deal :thumbsup: I'll get your plane ticket and everything lol Thanks for the offer to talk it means a lot to me (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2012 at 10:21 PM ----------

    That's a lot like my mom, if I wasn't the top student in every class in high school she got pissed. When I "only" got a 1910 on the SAT the first time and when I didn't get into MIT she was mad. Basically I was expected to be the perfect child who never did anything wrong and was never unhappy and always ha perfect grades. I feel pretty much the same way towards respect, it more or less meant the same thing to me.

    ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2012 at 10:24 PM ----------

    I think it's werid too, she went on a rant about how she can't snap her fingers and get over her issues, but I'm expected to. It's driving me crazy :bang:
     
    #10 Jared, Sep 1, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2012
  11. smprob

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2012
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    I've been most of the things you've (all) gone through in my life with my mother plus siblings. They had worked out strategies to corner me, I think they found it was so fun and made them more close to each other. I still find in such situations, if I don't be too careful.

    One for example in past, none of my siblings would talk to me face to face but via my mother. But then most times she was the main reason they had started not talking with me bc of her accusing me that I had failed her in something or another and then I stand up for me ( as I had no one else to do that for me). Later it turns to be she's the only one who is seem to show any kindness at me ( of course that's what they wanted to show me to make me feel sorry abt my behavior). So she had all the power over me if I couldn't get something done alone.

    To initiate such experience, it needed not to be something important as studies, but a word that she felt disrespectful in a chat would have been enough and I don't think anyone talked to me collectively more than two months per a year at that time. The worst times were holidays cuz I didn't have anyone else to talk other than them nearby and I had no way to communicate with my friends, and as in my teens we had moved to a new home and neighbors kept to them selves ,so I was left all alone to myself to spent hols. Yes if I didn't go begging to make it up to them, which had clearly turned to be getting bullied by all of them. So I kept to myself after learning what I can have on my plate and what I want to eat haha.

    So now looking back at that time, I can't even believe I could survive in those situations sane, but then I've had. I remember most times trying to figure out why they treated me like an outcast. Anyway one thing I've learned unintentionally and of course the thing some times been ignored is that if I stopped bothering about what they think or do about me, life turned to be peaceful and successful. All the failures I've made have resulted in those periods that I forgot or ignored this fact and trying to become close to them (also in recent few years, that's sad that I'm so ignorant).

    One huge advantage I got from being here in EC is the knowledge led to understanding what I've been through, that is when I came across this thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53757-emotional-abuse-awareness.html. Even I had heard/read about it before, I never had enough inf to relate it to my life.

    However I wish if I had some one or a place like this to share my thoughts back at that time, but then I had a good reason not to talk to people I knew. My mother was always telling us, discussing problems at home with others, is disgusting (but of course she was always discussing me with her friends even when I was near and had a habit of telling me later that I always make her miserable so she couldn't help it.) so I kept to that advice and went through all the s*** I had to face by myself alone.

    What I want to say is, like Cornella and some of you already have, opening up to someone, who is positive/open minded or in a place like this and discussing about what's going on in family, even it could seem to be a minor issue, could lead to gain great advantages and can open more doors to happiness.

    @Cornella I believe, as Tetraquark has mentioned discussing about your mother and also the changes in you feelings, with your therapist could help you immensely.

    One more fact about
    I think it's good we can rant here. I've found out even some good friends do not turn out to be good listeners or carers on my side. I think it's better not having some one who drag me to more backward and making more miserabile, than not having anyone. Now I, when opening to someone in real life, always do it, if only that person has more openness and intelligence to listen and see things on my side, without attacking me when s/he disagree and having patience to show me my errors with somewhat cautious. I've seen, otherwise you could be putting yourself in to more vulnerability/( any word u like) without gaining any good from going through it.

    I know I seem to used your thread to rant ( seems true) and sorry for it, and I wasn't meaning to, when I started to write, I hope you won't mind as I'm so lazy to edit all that I've written, and also sorry for making this post so long.
    Hope you'd find peace within! (*hug*)
     
    #11 smprob, Sep 3, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2012