Hey guys, I'm a 26 year old guy. I'm gay, but haven't told any my parents or friends. I decided to move cities so that I could date guys, something I'd be afraid of doing in my hometown lest somebody would find out. My worries with putting my picture on gay dating sites was that I have two acquaintances who are gay, and there would be a risk of them discovering me on the sites, and thus 'spreading the news'. Moving to a new new city was a big deal for me, as I tend to be resistant to change. Either way, I did it, found a job in my field and have been living here for the past year. I felt that by moving to a new city I've be able to 'test drive' the gay community, and see how and if i'd fit in, and whether I'd be able to find nice, easy-going and non-bitchy guys. If I was able to, it would drive me towards coming out of the closet, as I'd feel that there was possibility in that pursuit. If i was unsuccessful, I'd reconsider it. Since moving here I've been out with four guys: - The first guy was nice, although afterwards he informed me that he wasn't attracted to me. - The second guy was rather strange, possibly suffering from some form of autism such as Asperger's Syndrome. However he seemed to be good at heart, so we went out to a few places until he stopped replying to my messages. I'm still not entirely sure why. - The third guy I met up with for dinner. He seemed very superficial and wished to finish up the meeting as fast as possible by coming up with an excuse. - The fourth guy was quite nice. Earthy and rustic - he was from the rural areas. He was five years younger than me and we seemed to get on great. We went out quite a few times. Eventually he started making up excuses as to why he couldn't see me before stopping to contact me or respond to my attempts at making contact. It's important to note that he was also 'in the closet', so that may have been a factor in his decision as he was frightened of his housemates finding out. The last time I saw him was in April this year (2012). After which point I decided to give up for a while due to disillusionment. Since then, I've been considering returning to my home city due to feelings of homesickness, as well as feelings of failing in some sense. However I fear that I'll once again be under the spell of being 'in the closet', without the fortitude to actually tell my parents or friends. I oscillate between feelings of confidence that eventually 'I'll find the right guy, the only prerequisite is me coming out of the closet and meeting people' and the feeling of inadequacy - 'although I'm intelligent, I'm not terribly attractive (something which seems to be quite important in the gay community especially), and to make matters worse, I'm very short'. When feeling positive, I'm filled with enthusiastic optimism which drives me towards 'spilling the beans' and coming out. But when I feel negative, I begin to wonder if it's such a wise idea, as coming out of the closet is a big leap of faith that it will 'pay off', and has the potential to compromise existing friendships which I rely upon to ground me. This dichotomy is both exhausting and seemingly fruitless - it's extremely hard to make a move, especially for somebody with my personality, as I tend to be a scientist at heart, attempting to analyse the options objectively. However, despite the years of analysis I've subjected this issue to, I just go round and round in circles. Staying in the closet = comfort, predictability Coming out of the closet = vulnerability, potential for failure Comments and advice would be welcome. I can understand the narrow range of possibilities that people can suggest. As in, there aren't that many choices, perhaps only two - come out, or stay in, but I thought I'd post this nonetheless, even if the only benefit would be venting some of what is on my mind!
Hey there, and welcome to the site! First off - dating is *hard*. Quite frankly, if you went out with four guys and got past the first date with two of them, I'd say that's a pretty good track record. It might not be the relationship you want yet, but you're getting there. I know that sometimes it feels like it will never work out, but nothing you've described here sounds like a death sentence to me. Short? Some guys will prefer that. Intelligent? Everyone you'll want to be with will appreciate that. Feel unattractive? I'll bet someone out there disagrees - at the end of the day, everybody is somebody's type. It sounds to me like you've been challenging yourself in a lot of really healthy ways - you moved yourself to a new city, you found a job (in your field!), and you've gotten yourself out there and dating. You might be a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for (I have a hunch that you would describe yourself as your own worst critic). Feeling homesick is normal - I live pretty far away from where I grew up and I have similar feelings sometimes too, especially when relationship situations go badly. Maybe a visit home will be helpful to rest and replenish - but you've already come a lot farther than some people might. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think you should give up yet.
Staying in the closet = comfort? Are you sure about that? I wouldnt describe feeling comfortable when I was in the closet, particularly as you know deep down you are living a daily deception with family and friends. As for coming out of the closet, you describe potential feelings of vulnerability and fear of failure. I would argue you are more vulnerable now because you are not living as the open, true and free person that you could be but are still being repressed - which can only make you feel miserable. As for fear of failure, I'm unsure what you define as failure but surely a person will fail whatever their sexuality if circumstances go against them. I commend you for having the conviction to move away and actively date guys. You've definately broken some kind of 'barrier' by doing this. The next natural step is to come out then form gay friendships/relationships. I suppose my point to you is, you've taken the hugely significant and symbolic step to meet and interact with other gay guys - so surely you've gone past the point of no return and coming out would complete the journey you're on.
Welcome to EC! Like everyone said, I wouldn't call anything that you have done a fail by any degree. You moved, you challenged yourself and you got yourself out there. Yes, maybe it wasn't what you imagined it would be, but so is life. The important thing is that you gave it a try and now you have more knowledge about things than you previously had before. I think the problem here is that you are putting your well-being in the hands of luck. Whether or not you find someone who you can date shouldn't be the deciding factor in coming out. I get it though. The image of a boyfriend gives sort of a goal and reward for the whole thing, but the problem is that said boyfriend is probably going to go away sooner or later specially when its your first relationship. So, at one point you are going to be single and out. Then what? Will it still be worth it to come out? Would you feel regret for coming out all for a guy who left you? I personally think its better to give yourself healthier and more reliable goals and rewards in order to motivate you to come out. For example, to me being able to stop wasting energy to coming out or not to come out was a huge relive. Being honest, having authentic connections to people, and feeling back in control of my life were also other motivators for me. Also, by being out dating becomes easier. You don't have to worry about who sees you or not, you are able to date people who are out and you are able to simply enjoy it. Don't worry, the goal is not to date the whole gay community. The goal is to date someone who fits you and your personality. That person will be attracted to you for you and not for the standards of everyone else who also happens to be gay
