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Dealing with this..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hawthorne, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. Hawthorne

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    So one of my best friends got married right out of high-school and about 4 months before that I told her that I was gay and she loves me even more now and we talk all the time and we do things all the time with each other such as go for coffee and lunch and all that and we have gone camping(with her husband and all as well) anyway she and I talk for hours on end and this last week we went to the late night drive in and it caused some problems with them. He doesn't know that I am gay nor do I really want or have to tell him if I don't have to which it is kinda looking like I have to. But I am worried that I am causing problems for them and I don't want to be what should I do should I just tell him that I am gay(which he believes is a complete fiction the being gay thing not just me but everyone which sucks) or should I just step back from the friendship and tell her I do not want to cause problems. I mean I have known her for years and years like 8 or 9 I am one of her oldest friends I just don't quite know how to deal with it all. Thanks for listening to my issue at hand also this has been happening now for i guess a year or so?? Not too entirely sure how long it took to escalate to this and I mean he just seems to have gotten protective about them and trying to snub me out of our friendship and I mean she calls me all the time. Ugh I just am so out of not knowing what to do. At this point I wish I had a boyfriend to bring over and be like hey this is my boyfriend but no I do not have that luxury sadly.
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Well, it seems like you have three options. One, you can break your relationship with her, but that seems like something you don't want to do. Two, you can keep things going and possibly cause problems in their relationship since apparently her bf is that insecure. And three, you can come out to him and go back to everything being cool.

    I don't think there is a wrong answer so it really is up to you and what you consider is worth it. Have you talked to your friend about all of this?
     
  3. Tabb

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    Honestly, the best thing you can do is tell him you're gay. It sucks that he is being so paranoid, but it's your only option if you want to remain her friend. You could, of course, ask your friend to tell him... but he may not believe her if he is being that paranoid about the whole situation.

    Much luck your way~!
     
  4. Hawthorne

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    Just a bit of follow up, I told him things didn't go as planned but in the end things are at least at the moment smooth I kinda sorta guess. I mean it is better than before but if I come over now he immediately leaves the room as if I am diseased.. great.
     
  5. IrishLad93

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    How ironic you should mention this?

    I also have a best friend, I love her to bits and I thought nothing could separate us, we have been friends since we were born, but she's been engorged in a man whose a complete twat if I may be honest!

    Same situations as yours are encountered, we plan on going down to the centre of town as she's always looking for new clothes.. or in a certain case to the movies.

    Anyways, his last minute plans are changed and he now decides that he only wants her to himself, which is absolutely fair enough, but I believe I should not have been invited along in the first place and that shes not there just to be at his beck and call. Me looking forward to a movie with my friend but suddenly his attentions are in need and the world must stop and plans must be changed! He's not laid back enough to just go to a movie with him and her friend (me) included.. she is not brave enough to stand up to him in fear of rejection.

    Thus leaving me feeling very hurt, left out, betrayed and most of all, alone.
    Its not a nice feeling, it really isn't. You don't wish to intrude on their relationship but you also do not wish to be thrown to the wayside just because they are in a relationship. I feel that just because someone is entering a new relationship or in an ongoing one, (and yes they will be totally distracted for their new found lover which is normal), you do not need to comprise of your ongoing friendship's to boost your romantic relationships.

    As in your case, your friend seems a little bit more considerate and it seems that the problem mostly lies with her husband. I would consider speaking to her about it and discussing your concerns if you have not already. Discuss the fact that he believes homosexuality to be false aswell (how absurd). If you hold a close relationship you should be confident enough with each other to discuss these things and if you aren't, work youre way up to them by simply asking if your causing problems in the relationship or are intruding in any way.

    I would be a bit surprised that if her husband felt that if you were intruding and getting too close to your friend, than what he 'deemed' acceptable, that something wouldn't have been mentioned already. Do you think that your friend wouldn't have already told her husband that you are gay or does she feel as if its not her place to say??

    Also, if the problem is affecting your friendship (as you feel it is) I wouldnt be to reluctant to maybe just mention (either to her or him) something about your sexuality when he's growing irritated that you and her are hanging around together, I don't see how it couldn't be a relief on his part as the competition would no longer be there. If you mentioned something while you and your friend and him were in the room do you think he would become violent or aggressive or just nasty and mean? Just situations to consider.

    Id say your best bet would be to discuss it with her, and if you are feeling awkward about randomly telling him your sexuality, which most people are as its not discussed much, get her to mention something.

    _______


    too tired, didnt see your last comment :S

    Hell just have to come to terms with it. You are who you are, be yourself and do not be afraid or ashamed in any way whatsoever that you are gay.

    If push comes to shove, your friend should have your back, because at the end of the day its not a big deal.

    If it bothers him so much he obviously has homoerotic fantasies himself and feels highly intimidated that you are gay. He sounds extremely immature.

    ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2012 at 02:31 AM ----------

    as you said, you've been friends for almost a lifetime. Don't let his petty issues with sexuality get in the way. If he wishes to be miserable, so let him, you cant change his mind but just hope he'll become used to the fact you are gay and that you'll be sticking around.
     
    #5 IrishLad93, Sep 11, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2012