Should I come out at work?

Hi there. One of the best pieces of advice I got when I first joined EC was that coming out is not a race and you should come out at your own pace. From what you said it sounds that right now with your job it might be too much to come out at work right now.

I would wait, get settled into the job then when you are ready come out to your supervisor. You know that she is out on the job so it will make it easier for you when you feel ready.

 

Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

As always, you don't have to come out all at once. Since your supervisor came out to you, you might want to come out to her, individually, first. Just explain to her your anxieties about it, and she'll probably be able to help you feel more comfortable. She'll know who is likely to be most accepting, and where you might encounter problems. Also, since she is your supervisor, she'll be able to help shield you from any trouble, so that's good.

I'm sure she'll understand your anxiety--you shouldn't feel that she'll be bothered that you didn't tell her immediately. I'm sure she knows how it can be in a new environment--when she came out to you, she was your supervisor, and already secure being out at work. You were just one more person to come out to, whereas you are coming out in a whole new situation, and still feeling insecure about your employment because of your recent job history.

The way to relieve shame is to talk about it with someone "safe," someone who'll be accepting. In this case, it seems pretty clear to me that your supervisor is probably the best person. How do you feel about her, aside from her being gay? Is she nice? Does she listen to people's concerns?

Since we're talking about shame, I'm going to mention Brene Brown, so that Chip, another advisor here, doesn't feel like he has to do it all by himself. (He's sort of the resident expert on her work.)

Brene Brown is a researcher who has been working on shame, which she defines as "the fear of not belonging." It's by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and connecting to others in an authentic way, that we are able to overcome shame.

Her work is not focused on LGBT people, but it's very relevant to our struggle. The closet, after all, is constructed of shame, and coming out is very much what she describes as the way out of shame--having the courage to be vulnerable, and share our own story with others, so that we are able to truly connect with them.

If you'd like to know more about Brene Brown, you can watch her TED Talks here and here, and you can take a look at her website.

If you are "compartmentalizing" your life, I suspect that means that you aren't able to really be authentic with people most of the time, which will mean that you can't really fully connect with people. Connection with people is what will most add meaning and fulfillment to your life, so it's probably a good idea to work towards being able to integrate the different spheres of your life. Starting to come out at work would be a good step in that direction.

But don't think it has to happen all at once; just take one small step at a time, going the right way, and eventually you'll get there.

 

i found it very strange. don't make communication gap i think she will definitely understand your anxiety, feel free to express your self and never let your moral down !

 

Hi there Tao!

As stated before, there's no race to come out! Like Lanthe said, if you do come out at work, you might want to come out to your supervisor, individually, first.

However, sometimes the personnel dynamics at work can be fast and furious. Your supervisor today, might not be your supervisor tomorrow. It might be someone with a different set of politics altogether. Sometimes work dynamics are completely politically based. They might already have your supervisor under the gun, without her even being aware of it.

For those types of reasons, I say, don't come out until you've amply scoped out the work territory. Once you've thoroughly assessed all of the top, influential, and powerful people, then and only then should you even think about outting yourself.

You know I once met a Philipino guy who had a great position with a very good company, who refused to help another Philipino guy get a job with his company, due to the fear of having maybe too many Philipinos near the top. He therefore, actively sabotaged 'his own kind'!

I'm just say'n "trust", jobs, people, and "secrets", can all be strange bedfellows at times...

Sometimes it's just best to keep your mouth shut and operate on a needs-to-know basis only!

I'd be extra nice to my supervisor, though!

 

Better if you come out in my view but not necessarily right now. It seems like internalizing it is doing a number on you. Seeing as it seems your work is pretty pro-gay with your boss being homosexual, I don't think it's too risky of you to come out. Then after you do, this won't be eating at you.

You've already come out to a Catholic family. The reception you get at work can't be any worse than that, right? Moreover, your boss won't have any prejudice; after all she's gay herself. If you come out, you might even be able to build a support network with her.

Also, if you don't wanna come out to everyone can't you just come out to your supervisor? Just because you don't tell everyone doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her, because again, she could prove to be a very helpful ally. I think you need some support. Without it, this will be bugging you for a long time.

I can commisserate because I do get apprehensive before coming out to new people. More often than not, it seems like people are supportive. Unless you live in some backwater town, I don't think you should be so scared. New York is pretty gay friendly from what I can tell.

Still, why not join a local gay support group if it's too much coming out at work? While your boss is gay, it might be intimidating to tell her, becaue she may not be good at keeping a secret, So coming out at the gay group could make it easier to come out at work down the road.

Anyways, just don't get flustered about this. Maybe you should get to know your supervisor more, see if she's a trustworthy person and all that. If she's come out, I really doubt she has any internalized homophobia, so I think everything will be fine.

But if it makes you uncomfortable, by all means take your time.