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Missing the moment?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Electra, Sep 2, 2012.

  1. Electra

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    Dear ECers - this is an open question, which probably is no real answer to, apart from pretty obvious ones, but thought I'd share it anyway...
    I started coming out properly to pretty much everyone one year ago, and although nothing much has 'happened' yet e.g relationships etc.. (I am a cautious guy), it was one of the best decisions I have made. Doing it at 48 years old (see other threads by me) was also a huge thing for me.
    So, it has all been going okay really, mainly positive and supportive responses from friends, colleagues etc.. BUT of course being openly gay is still something you have to 'tell' people, new people you meet in every day life. What I am finding hard is constantly 'missing the moment' with new friends and acquaintances. I am at last happy to be gay and do not mind if anyone knows and indeed want them to know, but old habits die hard and still default to 'closet' mentality all the time. An example; I was socialise with a (straight) colleague from another branch of our company from a different location, who I know superficially from other training events and meeting, when he just casually asked "do you have a partner or kids?". I simply said "nope i am single" and the conversation moved on. What I wanted to say is: "Nope I am currently single and gay". I know he'd have been perfectly fine with that and the conversation would have moved. Just one tiny word, but I didn't say it. I get so frustrated with myself. Thats one tiny example of a 'missed moment' but seem to have them constantly. Similarly even at work where most people know I miss moments to show i have not just 'come out'. but i am happy and comfortable to chat and joke about it.
    Anyway no answers really --- just sharing my frustration....any handy hints??
     
  2. Filip

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    It happens occasionally to me too. Sometimes I find myself faced with a perfect opportunity, and despite every intention of taking it, I find myself giving a noncommittal answer and moving to another subject.

    In fact, I have a good friend who's unconnected to my other friends. So really the only way he can find out I'm gay is by me coming out. And despite being out for four years to everyone else... I consistently manage to not get around to it when I'm talking to him...


    Apart from commiserating, I did find one handy trick which I can offer.
    For me, adding "and I'm gay", just doesn't work. It totally breaks the conversation, and it's an unnatural extension for whatever I'm saying.

    However, what does work is to make a point of using proper pronouns. So, for example, when faced with the question "are you single", I try to respond with "Yup! So far Mr Right still seems to elude me!". It's actually the exact inverse of the closet game of "neutral pronouns". It's making a point of using masculine pronouns even if I could get away with the neutral ones.

    Call me odd, but I actually practiced a few common replies out loud in a mirror. Before going out with friends, if I suspect it might somehow come up, I go through a short list of "outing lines" in my head, so they're fresh in there if they come up a couple of minutes or hours later.

    Those are slightly more vague than using that "and I'm gay" line. Which means I do sometimes have people staring at me for a few seconds before they try to verify with a "wait, did you say mister right?". But then again, that's a sign the plan worked as intended :wink:
     
  3. TheEmWord

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    Out to everyone
    Hey there,

    I've just set up a profile because I felt like I wanted to share with you a little piece of advice I had from my dad a few months ago.

    I was having a similar conversation with him about the fact that I don't look gay at all, and people make assumptions that I really don't like when speaking to me. I said that I should just mention it pretty early on when meeting new people so that it isn't a taboo for them, and they don't make homophobic quips in my presence. He said to me "It's not their right to know your sexuality. You don't have to out yourself to everyone just because you are open. The knowledge isn't a right, and it doesn't have to define you on first meeting people, if they are to become part of your life, it will inevitably come out more naturally in another relevant conversation". I think there is a line between being open about yourself and broadcasting it as your only defining feature.

    It's only a little something which gave me food for thought :slight_smile: Best of luck with everything xx