Doubting myself :(

Never believe what the media tells you. There are many kinds of people, with various preferences. Surely there are people who don't like those hot men in the magazines (me for example!). It's not just the gay world. Straight people often think like you do too. If you look around, there are many happy couples that if you judge them by the magazine's standards, they would be classified under the ugly category.

And you don't have to bottom if you don't like! See, this is why I blame the media for messing up people's minds.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm kinda in the same situation as you. But I'm just busy with life to even care about that. Just so you know, the guys that I find attractive aren't exactly magazine model material. They just look kind. Yep, that alone melts my heart. Do you look kind? :lol:

 

Oh don't worry at all, I've finally come to realise only time will heal. It sucks, but it should work... I hope. And listen to Night Rain ;D

 

Hello there:smilewave. Well first off doest that guy you like know you are gay and do you have any supportive friends that do? They can help a lot, trust me. Also if that guy knows about you being gay you could act proud of yourself or unshaken by being gay. In my case the more I acted like it was normal the more people around me (who claimed to be straight) came out as bi. Your freedom can release others once they see that there is nothing to fear. In my group of 4 friends 2 came out as bi which is a 50% so the odds are good.

Also, I think that we all get a bit paranoid about the future from time to time. I myself was in denial after coming out and felt the same you do now. As if I will never be happy or have a boyfriend, I saw no bright future. But then a week ago, out of nowhere I got kissed by a guy (on of bi friends) and then moments later I got kissed by a different guy (the other bi friend). Just recently the first guy mentioned began acting touchy with me. We hugged and he leans towards me all the time. We even held hand in the center of fucking town with zillion of people around staring in surprise. I am not dating that guy, but in less than a minute his actions showed me a portion of how awesome life will get when i find someone right. It’s really indescribable feeling but worth waiting for.

As for the bottoming part. I myself prefer it (never had sex but that’s where I see myself while doing you know what) and enjoy anal stimulation. However If you are insecure about the idea, do not do it! Even if your partner asks you do not do it until you are certain that you want to. There are gay guys out there who never would bottom and those who only do bottom, its normal.

For now, make yourself something hot to drink, tea perhaps and go do something to keep your mind busy. Draw, sing, write whatever you like to do and give life some time to get better. Your parents will become more accepting and supportive, and your friends as well (if they however do not, they weren’t real friends in the first place). I have a super religiously crazy friend who always spoke against gay people, when I came out he was devastated but in the end he threw his beliefs for me. Though he still hates to watch me do "gay stuff" as touching someone we still hang out on daily basis.

Phew, wrote everything I could think of. I really hope that something from here helps you or makes you feel better. If you however still feel down continue to write your thoughts down. people here are always willing to help. Also feel free to pm me(*hug*)

 

OMG, are you going by magazines? Do the straight people you know look like people in straight magazines, that you think a gay guy should look like the guys in gay magazines? Are you, yourself, attracted only to guys who look like they could be in magazines?

And you don't have to do anything in bed that you don't want to. Really.

 

Not that I want to argue, Chip, but gay men are NOT more shallow than straight men. Being cruelly subjected to unrealistic physical standards is just part of being treated as a sexual object by men. Straight men are not subjected as much to that because the people judging them are women, and not men. Straight women have it at least as bad as gay men in this regard. At least for gay men, they usually think they need to judge themselves on the same standard as their partners.

Regardless of sexual orientation, it's generally men that put things in their personal ads like "no fatties." Superficial, and totally insensitive.

Very beautiful straight women definitely have the same problem having meaningful relationships--and for straight women, it's compounded by the fact that they often don't feel like they are "supposed to" approach the other person and initiate something. So they are less likely to take initiative and approach a man who they might like but who would think them "out of his league."

Anyway, my point is that gay men are not suffering from some kind of character defect that isn't shared by straight men. Straight men aren't judged the way gay men are because the people doing the judging are women.

Men are just more visual, overall, than women are. Women can be just as shallow, but it's usually about different things.

 

You've already received a lot of great advice, so I'm going to try to add to it.

I think it's very important for you to understand what you're feeling is both common and natural. So many people are experiencing the same types of feelings and fears that you do, so you aren't alone.

I also want to briefly address the issue you have with bottoming. As others said, it's perfectly alright to have no preference to bottom. Some guys like it and some guys don't. Some prefer to top, others prefer to bottom, and a lot prefer both.

However, anal sex is just penetrative sex, and you can get a lot more creative in the bedroom than that. Don't get bogged down with the heterosexual model of thinking. So many straight people get caught up on the fact that penetrative vaginal sex results in pregnancy and is therefore the "real" sex. The reality is that vaginal sex is just procreative sex. Because vaginal sex is penetrative, and so is anal sex people have the tendency to link the two in their minds. They are completely different and have nothing in common aside from the fact that both are penetrative. Bottoming doesn't make someone effeminate, it isn't submissive, and it doesn't mean a guy is taking a "woman's role" in bed. There is no female role between gay men - they're gay for a reason, and it's because neither of them are into women.

The reason this is important is because I don't want you to get bogged down mentally with the idea that anal sex equals real sex. No. There are some gay men who don't enjoy anal sex at all (bottoming or topping), and they are quite capable of having healthy sexual relationships. Anal sex is just one type of sexual activity, and there are many more ways to enjoy a sexual relationship with another man. Especially if you're willing to get creative.

Next, I want to address your image issues. The sad truth is, I don't look like a Calvin Klein model either. Would our lives be easier if we did? Sure. That doesn't mean we can't look in the mirror and find beautiful and attractive things about ourselves. Beauty, attractiveness, and sexiness are subjective things. And if we bother to stop and look around us, the truth is not many people look like those people on the cover of magazines.

And if we spend time researching things, we learn that a lot of the people on the cover of those magazines don't look like the picture on the cover because the images are photoshopped. We also learn that the images are taken in just the right lighting, with professional photographers, makeup artists on hand, and let's not forget the plastic surgeons who did their job prior to the models arrival.

These are people whose entire existence revolves around their looks, and for a few short years they grab our attention as eye candy. Then they're tossed out like expired milk. People get tired of seeing the same face, and want something different. They get old. What natural attractive looks they were born with begin to fade. Then they're forgotten.

When I am feeling down about the way that I look, and have the thoughts that you do; I remind myself of those facts. I try to remind myself of all the good and desirable qualities that I possess both physically and mentally. I satisfy myself with the knowledge that somewhere out in the world there are many people - not one person MANY people - who would walk over hot coals for a chance to date me. Out of that group, I will find someone who shares my values, my dreams, my aspirations, who compliments my weaknesses with their strengths, and who can love me unconditionally for who I am - without question or reservation.

Finally, I want to address something you wrote directly:

I'm sorry, but you don't get to be "normal." However, the dirty little secret is that neither does anyone else.

The entire concept of what is normal and what isn't is created out of pluralistic ignorance. Everyone believes certain things are normal, but at the same time all people deviate from the statistical norm in some way. Even if someone tried to be as "normal" as possible they would become abnormal as a result.

When people use the word "normal" they are generally using it in a moral sense. However, normal is simply a statistical range. It holds no moral value aside from that which we as individuals decide to place upon it.

The purpose behind using "normal" in a moral way is to create a foundation of shame. It encourages us to hide or deny anything that we believe diverges from what we perceive to be "normal." It creates thoughts like: "I shouldn't want to do this." "I shouldn't feel this way." "I hate being different." "What if I'm the only one?" "If anyone knew the truth, they'd know I was a freak."

As a result of thoughts like this, we all try to "act normal" and hope that nobody notices that we're different. We hope that by doing this we can avoid being vulnerable and potentially being emotionally hurt by others. It's in these dark corners, the places we've crammed away our authenticity, that shame likes to grow. And as shame grows it feeds upon itself, creating a reinforcing cycle.

It takes practice and time to break that cycle. It requires us to face our demons, to look in the mirror and to challenge our most deeply held attitudes and beliefs about who we are and about others. It forces us to be vulnerable to the world, and open to the possibility of being hurt.

This is obviously not an easy thing to do, but we do have a choice. We can spend our lives trying to live by the definition of normal we think other people hold, or we can try to discover what normal means to us as individuals. By embracing who we are and striving to live an authentic life, we not only live happier lives, but we embrace what is normal for us. At some point we simply have to start loving who we are and what we have, and not who we aren't and what we don't have.

Hopefully some of this helped. (*hug*)

 

my opinion until you find your confidence on being comfortable of your own skin you would find your answer from there