I lost my best friend. He is married and his wife found out he is gay. We were not sexual with one another. Just the closest two men could be as friends and brothers. I am partnered for 32 years....he knows my best friend and liked him as a friend as well. I am shattered because over the telephone he told me that our friendship was over and that he was in therapy to "save his life". I was not allowed to speak. He was cold....hard....not the man I had known for ten years. Now he ignores my emails....my telephone calls....any contact I make with him. I am heart broken because I don't know what happened. I have been shut out of his life after we had been in contact just about every day for 10 years. TEN YEARS! And now I am thrown away like trash. He won't talk to me. He won't write back. He acts as if we were never friends. I know that the wife wants me out of his life. She didn't like the fact that her husband was friends with a gay man. And now that she found out that he was having sex with other men (not me) and now has HIV, she probably blames it all on me.....I can't stop crying because I miss him. But also because I was never allowed to have closure. He hates me. I am certain of it. My partner understands why I am in such pain. He knew that we were only friends....like brothers..... Will this pain ever stop and go away? Sometimes I am so angry I want to hit my old friend. I want HIM to feel the hurt I am experiencing. And then all I can think about is how I know he is in pain from being caught by the wife and also having HIV now. He is a 58-year-old man and a medical doctor! God, why won't he let me into his life????? Someone please help me.
Thats awful news! When did all this happen? Maybe you should wait until the dust settles before you start trying to make contact with him. Let him think about it. Why exactly did he end the friendship towards you and what makes you think that he hates you, if you didn't activly do anything harmful to him?
"Therapy to save his life" sounds like one of those "deprogramming" therapy things... maybe the wife told him either he agrees to go "get un-gay'ed" and breaks any contact with "that community" or she leaves him or some other threat much more complicated that we can only speculate on at the moment. Not much you can do to help him until he contacts you again, but help yourself get over the loss of a friend, which hopefully may be temporary.
I am so sorry to hear this, darling. I know this has got to be really hard on you. It's obvious that it is, and if you weren't taking it hard then I'd have to look at you funny. Still...I don't think you should put so much confidence in the fact that he hates you. Actually...that's probably not the case at all. There's a number of possible reason that he might not be engaging you at the moment, some of which are bound to be silly while others are more than likely no different from anyone else defense mechanisms. We all have them, we all utilize them differently according to our personalities and emotional/psychological make up. I might not be as old as you, but I have been in an all too familiar situation. Your pain and frustration, the anger and desperation you feel...I have felt it. I wish that there was a way I could take it away. I wish there were words to make you feel better with, but I'm not gonna lie and say that there are. The thing is...there's really not much you can do without being let in by this man. It's the cold, sad truth even if we wish it weren't so. If you pray, pray for him. Keep him in your thoughts. If there's a way to let him know that yo just want whats best for him...by all means... There's no telling what the future holds for either of you, but I'm hoping that it does get better than this. As for when the pains ends...it is going to take some time. But there's one thing I've learned. You do have some say over your pain. It's okay to allow yourself to feel it, but don't dwell on it, don't let it overwhelm you. You've been partnered for 32 years. I'm sure he's more than willing to step in and be a rock for you. Good luck, hun. (*hug*)
RG, all of this happened within the last week and a half. I don't know how I am surviving this. I didn't do anything to him other than being gay and having a wife who never wanted me in his life as his friend. The friendship ended because (no proof just suspecting) his wife probably told him to get me out of his life. He told me on the phone that he had to remove me and everyone else from his gay life so that he could save his life. From what?????? ME??????? I didn't give him the HIV! I was always his greatest confidant and friend. And now I am without him. Awesomeyodais, what you said terrifies me because this is what I think is happening as well. It terrifies me that he is being forced to be who he is not....It terrifies me because I am so scared that he is gone forever. It terrifies that he is being brainwashed into thinking he is what he is not..... He isn't straight. He is gay. And all of this because of the wife.....I just want to hold him and tell him that there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely nothing. Romi, if he doesn't hate me, then why is he being so hard and cruel and completely IGNORING the man who was his absolute best friend???? He always told me that we were connected at the hip and nothing could ever separate us. I would think of him and then the phone would ring. And not talking to him and listening to him tell me about his day is killing me..... I get so angry when I think about the man who probably gave him HIV! The man who "probably" gave him the HIV is a MEDICAL DOCTOR IN SAN FRANCISCO who ADVERTISES himself on various websites for sex!!!!! I am so angry and hurt..... If he had not met this man and not had sex, then the HIV would have never come about and we would still be friends. Ok, I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I AM going crazy. If I could only talk to him. Just talk to him....but being cut off from his life cold turkey is wrong.
First, welcome to EC. Sorry you're joining us at such a traumatic time. So "saving his life" means, to him, "preserving the false life that he currently has." Now... we all know that won't work, but unfortunately, he's been living a lie forever and basically got "outed" by the HIV+ test result or something else, so he does what so many people who have lived a lie for years do... continue lying, to himself, and to everyone else. I doubt he hates you. More likely, he absolutely hates himself at the moment. He sees his entire life, as he has known it, crumbling... starting with his wife, but also his health, all the gay friends and lovers and hookups he's had secretly. There's an unbelievable amount of shame he's feeling right now, and I'd be surprised if he wasn't extremely depressed. Additionally, in case this isn't clear, you have absolutely nothing to do with getting him in this situation. The short answer is, there isn't a lot you can do. What I would do, in your situation, is send him an email that says nothing about talking to you, connecting with you, getting closure, or anything else, but just letting him know you care, that you know he's hurting, and basically talking about the issues I talked about. I think if he knows you care about him, and want the best for him... he will at least think. I *hope* he'll eventually figure out that living the lie won't work. But no way to guarantee that. I think you'll just have to wait and see. So
Chip, thank you very very much for your input. Everything you wrote was comforting and the truth. I sent him a card in the mail last week (to the hospital he works at) without a return address. If I had put the return address on the envelope, he would have likely sent it back (which he has already done...unopened.) The card was simple but read: As you move forward, know that I am here for you. I had to send one that was not overbearing or overwhelming. Instead of signing my name, I used our little secretive signature of 123. That was it. Just 123. This way he would know who sent the card without frightening him by putting my name down. The waiting is killing me....the waiting of hearing from him.....I know I need to step away and let him come to me when he is ready. But that is still an almost impossible thing to do because I worry for him. Because I want to be there for him the way was for the last 10 years whenever he needed a shoulder or an ear..... Again, thank you Chip. )
Hello, and welcome. I'm really very sorry about your friend, both about how he has withdrawn from you, and about his HIV status. He's going through a really hard time right now, obviously. Learning that he has HIV will have been very traumatic for him, and it will have thrown him back into the darkest part of his shame about his sexuality, which he has clearly never dealt with. If there is any chance that he has infected his wife, he will be feeling profound guilt and shame about that as well. It isn't you he hates, it's himself. Unfortunately, I think at this point he may not need to be pushed to go into some kind of reparative therapy. It may even be entirely his own idea. How long has it been since he learned he has HIV? If it is very recent, he may be acting out as a part of the grieving process about that. I think the best you can do is to understand that it isn't personal about you, and it's something he has to go through on his own right now, and just be there ready to support him if he gets to a place that he can accept your support again. Sending an email like Chip describes, just to let him know that you are still his friend if he decides he needs one, is a good idea. There isn't much else you can do. **** EDIT: Oh, you wrote while I was writing. I think that card sounds perfect. So I think you've done exactly the right thing. I know it's hard because you are so worried for your friend, but this is just something he has to go through without you right now.
Ianthe, the support I have received in the last couple of hours has been overwhelming for me in a GOOD way. So many wonderful people with so much sage wisdom. Such love and empathy. Wow......THANK YOU to ALL of you. You have made the point that I need to let him do this on his own really hits home and hurts straight down to the heart. His wife was checked for HIV and is negative. And as far as his hating himself, I hurt so much for him. As I had written in my first posting, the doctor and I were closer than two men could be without losing identity. Thank God I have such a wonderful partner of 32 years. He adored the doctor as much as I did but knew that the bond the doctor and I shared was unique.....where it came from I don't know. It was there and almost always was from the beginning. I just don't understand why he pushed me away rather than reaching even further for me to hold onto while he went through/goes through this trauma in his life. It hurts so much to be swept aside while being ignored. This is what is the most painful. Being ignored....as if I never existed. The heart can only take so much..... Also, he learned he had HIV a couple months ago. His wife insisted that they go into couple therapy and it was there it was discovered he is a sexual addict and is now in therapy on his own. My fear is that he is being pushed into a therapy where he is "fixed" from being gay to being straight. If this was the case and he believed it, and the fact was clear that I had lost him forever, I don't know how much of that pain I could take. This is 2012 and NOT 1957. Maybe I am jumping the gun, but this is what my gut is telling me..... I feel lost and confused and extremely hurt by all of this. If he would only tell me what is happening. Sorry to bother everyone. But thank you for the wonderful support.
First of all, I'll join the others in sending you a virtual (*hug*) Secondly... as tough as it is, sometimes people need to fall before they can get up. And as much as you'd like to catch them halfway and save them from the pain of hitting rock bottom, that rock bottom might be the best place for them to get a footing. And only then will they be able to see the extended hand to get them back up. Sometimes, when the mirror palace of lies cracks, they need to grasp at every mirror and see it shatter, before they can find their way out again. As callous as it might seem: it might be that the best way to help your friend is to allow him to fall, and make his own mistakes. You let him know you have a hand extended, but now the ball is in his camp, and it's up to him to decide if he takes it. But before he takes it, he probably has all the stages of grief to go. Which include fear, anger, bargaining, and denial. None of which are fun, but all of them are essential to getting to acceptance. I know that the fact that you're doing the right thing might seem a very hollow consolation, but I do hope it counts for something. Any method for dealing with a sudden loss is going to be just that: a coping mechanism. Truly getting to grips with it takes time, and that's one thing no one can just wave away. However... what sometimes works for me is to write a letter. Not one I send. In fact, I delete most of them a week or so after I wrote them. But even if I'm the only one to see the letter, the act of writing it, of talking to this other person, often helps me. And reading it again a few days later sometimes makes me come to interesting insights on my own thoughts and feelings. So maybe that could help in this case too. Write a letter in which you offer your support. Write one in which you're unabashedly angry about how he could be so stupid to catch HIV. Write one in which you hope he'll find the right way out of this. Again, don't write them to send them, but write them as a way of getting your thoughts and feelings out. It's not a miracle method, but it is definitely better than keeping all of this inside.
Filip, you are right about it taking time. At the moment, I am going through the healing process but I am still fighting it. One moment I accept and the next I refuse and continue to fight as if my life depends on it. Sigh...... Your suggestion for writing the letters is an excellent one. What works for me is to take my cell phone and PRETEND that we are having a conversation. This way, it feels as if he is listening and I can pour my heart out to him telling him EVERYTHING I need to tell him. Many a tear is shed while doing this..... Prayer is helping as well. Praying FOR him and his health and well-being. I need to do SOMETHING pro-active and this is all I can do. I believe that this works. I won't see the results, but I know that somehow he will feel it. I realized early this morning that this may have had to happen to humble him. He could be terribly ego-centered (he is a doctor, so no surprise) and treat the friendship as if it was all about him. Either way, I miss him terribly and can't wait for the day when he DOES come back to me.....
It's perfectly normal for you to be upset right now. So allow yourself to feel your feelings whatever they are. It's entirely possible that this ordeal will ultimately lead to an improvement in his life. If he is in therapy for sex addiction, it might not turn out as badly as you fear. I don't think sex addiction treatment usually tries to make gay people straight, and he may actually have to face the truth about his sexual orientation in a way that he hasn't before. Of course, he has been clinging on some level to a straight identity all along--that's why he was married after all. Maybe this will force him into really accepting himself at last.
Ianthe, I hope he comes out better. I just can't help missing him terribly. Especially at the times of the day that he would call....like clockwork. Those can be messy.
Its good to hear that you're doing something with all your feelings. Praying FOR him, even though the results may not be something you'll see. You said that you know somehow he will feel it. I absolutely believe in this. And if its helping you to cope as well, then by all means, continue to do this. As for my earlier comment about him not hating you, I know it's been touched on by others, but I just want to clarify what I meant. I don't think it has anything to do with hating you. In fact, it's more likely that he's in a situation where he hates himself more, or that he cares so much for you. I'm one of those people who do the unfortunate thing of pushing away people I care about most when something traumatic is happening. This seems much more likely than hatred for his best friend of so many years. I also want to take the stance of an optimist for a moment and just say that perhaps there is yet good to come of this. There's the cliche saying of "Everything happens for a reason." I'm a firm believer that things will always work out. They might not work out the way we want them to, but they will always work out the way they are meant to. Nevertheless, I'm wishing you , your friend, and his wife the best.
Thank you, Romi. Your optimism helps more than you know. There is nothing more that I can do on my own. He has rejected my letters....packages....emails.....texts.....voice messages.....completely ignored all of them. God, that really hurts. This is why I am using true and sincere prayer....not just saying the words but finding truth in every single word. It is all about intent. So much so that I am drained when finished. I am overwhelmed in such a good way from all of the love and positive attention given to me. It has truly helped. All of it. Thank you!
You're very welcome. I am so happy to hear that we've all been able to help you. I hope that you will find yourself able to count on everyone here. Because I know I will continue to be here for you. (&&&)
