1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused good place to get advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PatrickORLY, Sep 2, 2012.

  1. PatrickORLY

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2012
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello All, New to forums. And up late, cant sleep. This seems like a safe place to talk about stuff.

    Where do I begin? I am admitting to myself that I am very confused about my orientation
    I am a 28 year old male virgin who thinks he might be gay.

    Some details that I need to discuss:
    1. Have had a huge muscle/bodybuilder fetish since I was 14. Since huge muscle mass has always aroused me (male mostly, but female bodybuilders too)...skinny naked women don't interest me at all - hence why I think I am gay. I think its called Sthenolagnia? Anyway. I blame the comic industry for putting buff guys in spandex.
    2. I have tried dating women and notice I can get very aroused during makeout/kissing sessions. Even watching lesbian porn gets me aroused sometimes, but I don't know if there is an emotional connection.
    3. When it came to sex with a woman, I couldn't get into it. I start thinking I am gay, then I would just blame myself. Performance anxiety? Who knows.
    4. Told my family, I might be gay. I could tell they didn't like it...but they wanted me to be happy.
    5. Never been with a man in real life. Never really imagined kissing one, but enjoy their looking at their built bodies.

    I haven't been in a relationship of any kind in 3 years now because I am petrified. In my mind, I might be too gay to date women, and, on the flip side, I haven't accepted myself as gay to date men. I am stuck. Any ideas?

    I have taken medication, seen a variety of therapists. One said that I am not gay or straight and that I haven't dated enough people to know...but deep down to me, it just seems like being with a woman is impossible if pecs turn you on and not boobs. lol.
     
  2. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey there! And welcome to EC! :smilewave

    First of all: I think you already made a big step by honestly considering the possibility (ad even mentioning that to family: that's a step that takes years for some people).
    While it might seem like there's a lot of discovery still to be done, that first step is in many ways the most significant, as it's the one that makes all others possible.

    Far be it from me to criticise professional therapists, but I do believe that one you mentioned was totally mistaken. Sure, experiences during dates can be useful in figuring things out, but I think it's perfectly possible to know and explore your sexuality without doing a big comparative investigation of the dating world.
    None of my straight friends didn't date guys to double-check whether they were totally straight. And personally, I never dated any girls, and yet I'm pretty sure I'm gay.

    You know, there was something similar keeping me in the closet initially. And it might be similar to your current thoughts. To me, while I was still in the closet, it seemed just easier and more acceptable, and more expected to date the opposite sex. Not being actively revolted by women made me think it might even be possible to do just that. There would be something missing, but it wouldn't be totally horrific either. Sex might have seemed like a chore, but marriage shouldn't be about fun all the time. I watched straight porn and still be able to get off from that (I'd watch gay porn a lot too, but I always managed to convince myself it was just a diversion from what I really liked, and that this time was the really really last time...)
    At the time, I clung to that as evidence that I was still straight enough to end up with a girl. But nowadays, I think I was more in love with the idea of being straight than with any girl I ever met.



    It takes some time to separate out what you really want and what you are just trying to want. However, I think you're already hitting on some of the steps to take in your post. You mention never having imagined kissing a guy. Imagining just that, is exactly where you might want to start.

    Because: fantasy is free. It's also totally something you can do in privacy and comfort. You can say "hey, let's be gay for a day", and just run with it. If you want to stare at a picture of a guy, then go somewhere where you can be alone, and stare at it for a bit. If you see an attractive guy pass you in the street, gym, or wherever, then just look for a bit (just stop shy of staring and drooling :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    In fact, you can then take that fantasy further. Imagine a perfect world in which no one would mind whether you date men or women, and where everything goes your way. Imagine you ask this guy out (or he asks you), and you go on a date. Imagine what it's like to spend an evening with a guy in a "dating" setting.
    And if that's enjoyable, you can even go further. Imagine he takes you home (or vice versa) and the attraction turns physical. What would it be like to kiss? What would it be like to take it that little bit further?
    Since this is all a fantasy, you can effectively imagine everything from holding hands to a passionate night between the sheets, see how that makes you feel, and yet be completely risk-free in the privacy of your own room. (in fact, if the fantasy turns more physical, you might actually prefer to be in the privacy of your own room :icon_wink)


    If you decide it doesn't do a lot for you, then that's one answer. However, if you decide you actually prefer this fantasy to your previous experiences... you still have all the time you need to see what it would take to make it a reality.
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Filip has covered it all I think.

    My experience was similar to yours. I assumed I was straight and didn't have enough insight to consider I might be gay, despite some indicators. So I was introduced to a nice woman and we hit it off and got married. I was able to have sex - because sex with someone seemed better than sex by myself. But I would find out later that sex with men was even better.

    So it's possible that you're gay, and I don't think you need to date men or have sex with men to know that. Try it on for a while, and see if it fits. If you've sort of come out to your parents, then maybe you should try dating guys and see if you like it. I think you're still holding back a bit - and if you were to totally give yourself permission to be gay you'd really find that it fits for you.
     
  4. PatrickORLY

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2012
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thanks for the help guys :icon_bigg

    Both answers were quite informative. I guess I am stuck in the phase were I wanna stop hating myself for having those thoughts. Its not the easiest thing to let go.
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Patrick.

    Welcome to EC!

    One of the hardest things to deal with as we come out is coming to terms with the idea that we "don't belong" to the largest and most prevalent group of men... and that's men who are straight, talk about girls' tits, asses, and otherwise behave like straight men. There's a deep-seated fear that, because we cannot belong to that group, we're not worthy and are somehow substandard and unloveable.

    That stops us from being comfortable with who we are, and it creates a great deal of shame. A sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need that all of us have; we are hard-wired for connection. And society sends us messages, from the time we're very small, that being gay is wrong, substandard. Gay people are the butt of jokes, rude comments, degrading humor, and the like, so we get a very strong message, even if never directed right at us, that being gay is wrong.

    So a big part of learning to stop hating yourself is to realize that you DO belong to a different group... and that's the group of gay and bisexual men who love other men, who are accepted and appreciated and worthy of love and belonging. Learning to believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of love and belonging, and that you DO "belong" and will be accepted and loved.

    I recommend Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding who you are and learning to accept and love yourself.

    I also strongly recommend watching Brené Brown's amazing TED talk videos. She is a researcher who has spent her life studying the issues that enable us to lead happy, fulfilling, wholehearted lives, and her presentations are funny, informative, and powerful.

    [youtube]iCvmsMzlF7o[/youtube]
    [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]
    [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]