I'm so frustrated, I don't know why or what exactly is happening to me. So this is me venting because there's no one else for me to turn to. I'm 21, average looking, lived a normal life middle class life, normal Christian family (not those crazy ones who think Pokemon is of the devil) parents still together, the works. I casually dated in high school, and dropped out in 10th grade to go to a military academy for delinquents for six months. (I never did my homework and it was a good opportunity to get my GED. Other kids, though, were there in serious trouble.) I showered, dressed, and lived with eleven other girls and had no sexual or physical attractions towards these women. I left at seventeen and began college and dating men again. Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of four years (on and off). I moved from my hometown to another state 2,000 miles away to live with my dad and get a fresh start on life and explore the world. I've always noticed guys more than girls. I've never been into watching porn, but the few times that I did watch it, I was more turned on by lesbian porn. I've always considered myself as straight. It wasn't even a question on my mind until two weeks. Two weeks ago I started a six week Nursing Assistant training class so that I wouldn't be stuck having a fast food job to pay for college. Them first day was boring as usual, but it helped that there was a girl that I couldn't take my eyes off of to pass the time. She was beautiful, though her personality seems a bit vain now that class has progressed. I ignored her the first few days, but kept my ears open whenever she spoke. I wanted to know about her, to study her, and just look at her. The first week of class passed and I began noticing girls more at work. Female customers that I found attractive on a different level than, "Oh, she's pretty," it was more like, "Oh, I would date her." (Assuming that they'd even be interested in ME in the first place! I'm beating myself up for being so mind-slutty, vain, and self-centered.) The last few days of the second week of class were tough, because the girl didn't show up. I was so disappointed, it felt exactly like how I would feel if a guy I liked didn't come to class. I had been looking forward to class because this girl would be there and I'd get a chance to look at her, and maybe get partnered with her. But she wasn't there, and it was such a let down. Which then brought a whole wave of questions and conflicting emotions. There is also a co-worker who is in high school that I'm attracted to. I've stopped masturbating because I'm not turned on by my normal, "guy" scenario. I keep having to suppress the want to think about these girls. It's mind boggling. This is happening in one fell swoop. As if this one girl opened the floodgates and I'm a hormonal teenager again who just needs to get laid. I'm so confused and tired and I don't know if it's right to feel this attracted to girls. I still see guys and think they're handsome, but I think I'm bi-sexual and I'm scared. I'm sorry if it's so jumbled, I rambled a lot, too. I've been going through nothing but turmoil for the past month and I need someone to talk to or at least someone to pretend to listen. On a side note, the new feelings towards women are not those of sexual desire or lasciviousness, but more romantic, tender, and sweet caring thoughts. Thankyou for your time.
Hi Just Grace, I can relate to your story, I had the same thing happened at 30. I actually left my boyfriend of 7 years b/c of it. For me, I think I noticed similar feelings to what you had, caring more than normal about certain girls but it was never something I dwelled on or had conflict with. I never saw it for what it was, but then one night at a bar I drank to much and kissed a girl (I was at a gay bar with friends) and it was like a sudden realization that holy shit I might be gay. I tried to push it away as a drunk thing, told my boyfriend, we moved on. The it happened again. Told him, moved on. Then I met my girlfriend now. I knew by the amount of struggle and anxiety I had of the fear of leaving my BF that something was up, and the fact that I was in love with him but couldn't stop my feelings was devastating. For me, I may be gay, or bi, I'm still figuring it out, but I do know that I have never felt the same way with a guy as I do with a girl. I get mad about it, b/c how could I not know, but it's something that some people just don't know until they actually experience it or try it. And I think guys are hot, I mean a hot guy is just great eye candy, but I don't see a hot guy and picture dating him, but I can enjoy the view. However, when I've been in a relationship with a guy, especially my ex boyfriend I was ok with sex, etc...so for me it's about really knowing who I am with. My advice would be to maybe seek some therapy, I found a great one who helped me get the courage to go explore and to not freak out essentially. I think your normal, and you are 21, I think that's about when I started being a little too into my friends that were girls but it wasn't a sex thing either, just being jealous or wanting them around or missing them. Once you separate yourself from what you've always known you are really just opening doors to find out more about yourself, so do just that. Hugs, U14
Thankyou for your reply, I really appreciate the time you took to write to me. So you do think it's okay for me to experiment? I don't want to take relationships for granted, and I don't want the other girl I may possibly be seeing to feel like she's just a science project. I want to take it seriously, but how can I know it's the right thing to do? How do you know that these are your real feelings and not just a rebound method of being lonely in a new place? Even though I've been here almost three months with no feelings for women, I don't want to lead someone on and then just say; "Oh, this isn't what I wanted, thanks for wasting your time with me while I figure out who I like and don't like." And if I do begin experimenting, how do I go about it? Should I start being friendlier with girls I know? Or should I tell them? I guess the official stage I'm in is bi-curious, but if I told them that, I'm pretty sure they'd distance themselves from me. I'm just really confused and scared. I tried looking into a therapist, but I don't think I can afford it, especially without getting my parents involved if they accept health insurance, etc.
Hi, I've heard imagination/fantasies helps to understand a lot about sexual orientation. It has with me a lot. If I were you I'd try to fantasize about this girl, the romance, flirting, discussions, future with her, love, intimacy, society, anything. There's no need to have limits or boundaries, but always should be aware of your real/true feelings, even the tiniest one can reveal a lot. Analyze them more, specially if it seems to bother/discomfort you or when further goes neutral or turn off. An important one to remember is never assume something will be adjusted or changed bc you like it to happen so. Looking into deep in to feelings, should help you to realize the truth about you more and more, but do it always in a relaxed mind. I am wondering have you had feelings for girls before this or is this the first time? You said "I've always considered myself as straight. It wasn't even a question on my mind until two weeks." I think you should keep to this^ with whatever you do. I think no one deserves to be used, and as for me I don't like treated like junk, I'm sure every one else generally do not, when they are concerned. I think that's a good and pure personality that you don't like it. You could tell her/(any girl) about your true feelings/status when you ask, I guess. But I'm not in a position to give you dating tips. So I wish you all the success with it!
This^ reading about orientations may help you to understand these your feelings and label if you like it. Google and search for sexual orientations/ attractions.There are many aesthetic/ romantic/... They say these orientations are not a choice, but remain with a person from birth to death, if you are bi or straight or of anything, it must had been there with you all your life. What's happening now, is you are discovering it after some time. It could have happened in past or in future. I think it's better now as it could have pop up later and could have messed your life. And dear I think it's normal to be scared and feel frustrated. After all, the majority of our society is straight and cis. So it's normal to think and treat LGBTQ should not exist, as that's how most of us are told and taught from the beginning. and we are expected to have no difference. So it becomes hard to adopt when some one have to realize him/her to be different from the general view. But I think, if some one should not feel attracted to same sex it c/should not have happened with anyone. If it is a choice, you should be able to chose how you feel, but if not, It happens bc it can happen. and as it happens, it is OK and right to feel it. Even the majority of society are straight and cis, there are bi, gay, lesbian, trans , queer, who are different from that majority. We exist even some people do not want to accept it. How ever, a truth remains( and should remain) as true, despite of the number of votes. If there's a truth it is true only, if it is completely true in every condition, not bc some people want to stick to their opinion bc of their ignorance or stupidity. So every one on Earth is not straight or cis ( look around). Even if you've heard or not or feel or not as it's right or not to feel attracted to same sex, it happens (attraction), It is the truth.
smprob, thankyou so much for your feedback. I'll google those definitions right away. You have really helped me understand more about what's going on and how to cope with the stress. You have no idea how relieved I am, thankyou times a million. <3 ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2012 at 11:23 PM ---------- This is the first time I've ever had feelings for women. Romantic or sexual, etc. I've haven't thought about kissing a girl until these feelings began flooding into my life. Now I can picture myself doing all sorts of things with other women.
I'm glad that I've been some help to you, welcome. If you have questions, if you like to, feel free to ask me here or on wall, and I wish you all the success!
