Do I delay telling my wife?

There will never be a "good time." If you delay for the presentation on Wednesday, tell her on Thursday, and no more postponing.

 

I agree with Ianthe - the kind thing to do is to postpone after the big presentation - but not delay any further. There never is a right time, but given the significance of the presentation, it makes sense to delay. When you do tell your wife, tell her that you postponed telling her until afterwards, because you care so much for her.

Good luck, and you might want to post your feelings, frustrations here through the week so that you have an outlet for all that nervous energy in the meantime.

Love,
Maxx

 

I agree with everyone who's posted. Delay until after the presentation. You don't need one more thing to be blamed for. I know you'd like to break the news on a weekend, but it sounds nearly impossible.

I may suggest that when to tell her, and how, be the primary focus of your session on Wednesday with your counselor. Maybe he/she can give you the best advice.

I'm glad that you're willing to let us help you too! We'll help in any way we can!

55

 

I'm gonna tend to disagree,after 30 years isn't that long enough? I loved this postsecret from other week...really sums up not to wait on things...of course on the other hand I can see why you wanna wait.The point though is there will ALWAYS be SOMETHING happening in our lives....I applaud you in your courage,there's alot of us married on here that have came out.....good luck to you!!

 

You can come out to your friend. You don't have to wait until you've talked to your wife. Actually, I would recommend having that support in place ahead of time. That way you can have a friend who is ready to support you, when you tell your wife, without you having to come out to him at the same time.

You could send him an email with the title, "I'm coming out to my wife this week." That would do it.

 

^ I would worry that this kind of statement will only make your wife more stressed about what you've been stressed about. Talking to your frirend and talk to your therapist and get some of this pent up anxiety off your chest so that it isn't going to explode in some kind of emotional eruption when you finally talk to your wife. You'll have 'practiced' a couple of times with other people.

Waiting for a few more days isn't going to kill you.

However, getting this out after the presentation and before any interviews might be a good idea. She might not want a promotion right now if she also needs to go through a separation, move houses, etc. She might want to stick to the job she knows well for the time being. So it's fair that she have this information about you before she enters some kind of job search.

 

I agree with both Jim and Ianthe - starting to tell people other than your wife will give you more of a support system when you need it (I told a couple of friends and my brother before I told my wife). Do you have a brother/sister that you can tell? Family can often be a great support system. And not mentioning this until after the presentation still seems to be the right thing - but do it right after the presentation - don't wait until the interview is over, etc.

I went through a similar dilemma when I was planning the timing on telling my wife - there truly is never a best time... and while you can try to make some accommodations, you still need to have this conversation sooner rather than later.

One thing I did that helped was to write a letter with the key points I wanted to make... When I told her I used a combination of the letter and a lot of talking... writing something like that out might help you organize your thoughts and make sure you cover off the things you really want to be sure to tell her.

(*hug*)
Maxx

 

Your spouse needs to know ASAP. I wouldn't delay at all, after the presentation...

 

^ I disagree. While it is important and she should hear about it sooner rather than later, if they've been married for quite a while, another day or two won't make a significant difference (unless there's something else already going on...) in her reaction, but gathering that ability to make himself more comfortable could make things easier for him.

But like others have said, don't delay it unnecessarily. It's incredibly easy for us to postpone things we don't want to do. You can do it. Let us know how it goes!

 

Then you don't really disagree...

 

I'd do it as soon as you can. And I also feel the 'I something important to talk about, when's a good time?' simply won't work. She's is likely to jump on that and quiz you what it's all about and you'll then be left with no choice but to explain. Ok, wait 'till after the presentation, but no longer.

I know the 'bursting inside' feeling and you just can't keep a lid on that.

Good luck.

Tom

 

It seems we are in very similar situations. I just told my wife last week that I was gay/bi. I am not sure if the reasons why you want to tell your wife are the same as mine, but I am keeping a close eye on this conversation. I do not want to end my realtionship with my wife. I completely want to stay together and have a long and happy relationship. I just wanted to stop hiding my feelings.

The way I did it was to drop subtile hints until she finally asked me if I were gay. Then all I had to do was admit it. She went through the whole gammit of feelings, but she never did freak. I did my best to console her and assure her nothing would ever come of my feelings or past experiences with men. I answered every question completely and honestly.

She is still coming to terms with this all and still has a few times where she breaks down wondering what will happen in the long term. However, so far telling he has been the best thing I have ever done. I can finally be open with my feelings. We are talking about other hot guys, past experiences with men, joking about me being gay, and even went to a gay bar together. I even think me likeing men turns her on. We have had more sex in the past week than the last couple years. I only hope we continue on this path and she doesn't realize she does not want to live the rest of her life with a gay/bi man. Because, I know I can live the rest of my life not having another man; as long as I can be open about my feelings toward them.

Anyways, keep us updated. I am dieing to see how your story goes.

 

:icon_sad:

 

Oh, Swimmy!!
I feel for you - I really know what you're going through right now - You know that, don't you. Hang in there, sweetie.

You have to give her time and space to react, and to start with, just take whatever comes. You have just dealt her a huge and terrible blow. But you had no choice - you knew you had to do it. And both of you WILL get through.

It's just over a week now since I told my husband. The shock of knowing I'm gay is starting to die down, but it's still raw, and 'difficult' is a huge understatement. We start couples counselling on Saturday... But things are calmer, and we've talked a lot, and I DO feel better for the honesty. I know he doesn't, yet, but I still believe that telling him was the right thing to do.

Best wishes to you, and remember we will be thinking of you.
(*hug*) Bluebird

 

I'd encourage you to post what you're feeling, or at least talk to someone else about it. Bottling up your rough emotions isn't a good idea.

Regardless though, congrats! You might not be able to see it right this second since you're feeling sad, but you've made a massive step today, and that is definitely something to be proud of.

Here's hoping things will work out better. (*hug*)

 

This is the hardest part where she is angry and your marriage is over. Remember you have had your whole life to come to terms with your sexuality, she has only had a few hours. I cannot say she will accept you being gay, but now she probably does not know how to feel. I wish you the best of luck and please let us know if you need help.