Hi, I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I'm 22 years old female and since I was 16, I have been questioning my sexuality. I've pushed lesbian thoughts to the back of my mind and thought they were disgusting, even though I would acceptance do accept all lgbt and even have helped people come out. I just can't accept myself. When I was 17, I had a sexual fling with a girl friend. She printed out our conversations and showed them to our 'friends' even though they said its okay to be gay I couldn't accept myself. When I was 16 I just went out with a load of guys who liked me even though I felt nothing for them, I just really wanted to. After the whole thing with that girl happened, at the age of 18, I met my current boyfriend. Even though I had no interest in him whatsoever, he pested me, and here we are 4 and a half years later. No matter what I do to accept myself I am so ashamed. My best friends are university were a lesbian couple, and I fought their corner so many times when people were horrible to them. I want a family, I want to be married, I want children.......sorry bar one of my lesbian friends, this is the first time I've told anyone....and it's hard. I love my boyfriends family, and him, but I can't help noticing how pretty and attractive girls are. This lack of acceptance has turned me into a horrible person, I've had undiagnosed depression when I was 16 and had a break down at 18, of which I am only now starting to get better from. my boyfriend was the only person to stick by me. I'm trying do hard to be straight, and live the stereotypical life, but it's eating me up inside. When we have sex, I feel disgusting and horrible afterwards. But I get the same feeling if I watch lesbian porn. I just want to be straight and not have it deal with this. My sister and brother would be okay with it, my mum I'm not so sure of, and I don't see my dad much, he's very emotionally distant. I Like the life I have, but it's a lie. Everyone tells me my boyfriends going to propose etc. he's my best friend and would have no idea what to do without him. Normally, when I get these feelings, I get depressed and they go away, but that's been happening for 6 years and this time their not going away. It's weird because I still find men attractive, I just find women sexually attractive and they turn me on more I've been reading these forums daily, and it probably sounds lame but I've been watching glee where Santana accepts herself as gay. Everyday I have to delete my Internet history so no one finds out. When I think of myself as bisexual, it doesn't feel right, when I think of myself as a lesbian it feels right. I just dont want to hurt anybody. Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading. I just needed to get that off my chest. Can anybody help me deciefer these feelings? It's hard inside I know I'm gay, but the outside me thinks I'm straight, if that makes sense. Ps sorry about the spelling mistakes, darn iPad auto correct!!!
First of all, welcome to EC. (*hug*) I'm sorry that a girlfriend of yours thought it was appropriate to print out your private conversations and show them to others. It was wrong, and she should feel awful about her behavior. It doesn't matter what your other friends thought that it was okay for you to be gay; it was wrong of her to share this information without your consent, and even worse that she shared something intimate between you both. I'm very sorry this happened. What you're feeling and going through is natural, and a lot of people go through something similar. I'm sorry, but you can't change your sexual orientation no matter how hard you try or how badly you want too. It's like changing your height or skin color. It's part of who you are and it has been that way for a very long time. Finding men attractive and women sexually appealing is not unusual. I'm gay, and I can look at a woman and admire her beauty, I can tell whether she is sexy and attractive, or not. Being gay doesn't prevent me from noticing the same things other people notice. I can even develop a very strong and loving friendship with a woman. The difference is how I feel about a man. When I look at a man, it's not just an acknowledgement whether or not he's attractive. I feel differently. It matters in a way that it doesn't for women, and of course I find men sexually appealing whereas I don't feel that way toward women. When it comes to feelings toward men, the feelings I have toward a man can develop differently than those I have for a woman. I can have a strong and loving friendship with a man, but also I DESIRE more than that with some men. I fall in love with men, and I want to be romantically involved with a man. This is what makes me gay. If you care for your boyfriend even as a friend, you have to think about what is best for him. You're stringing him along, and leading him to believe that he has a future with you. You know that he doesn't. Even if you can't bring yourself to come out to him, you need to let him go. As hard as that will be, you owe that to him - he deserves to be happy with someone who can love him back. You also deserve to be happy, and you won't be happy in a relationship with a man. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family. You can still have all of these things. It's especially easy as a woman, since you can get pregnant yourself. I would encourage you to seek some professional help. Therapy will help you sort through your feelings and move forward with your life. If possible, come out to someone you can trust, and who will respect your feelings - unlike your previous girlfriend. Someone you can talk to about what you're feeling and going through. Don't feel ashamed. You can't help who you are or what you feel. You may not want to hurt anyone, but you're hurting yourself by living a lie. You're depriving yourself of the life you want to live - the life you deserve to live. You're denying yourself happiness, and because you're afraid you're doing the same thing to your boyfriend. One thing that might help you is to sit down and write out what you're feeling. Getting the thoughts out of your head is one thing that works great for me. It helps me sort through my feelings, and makes the path moving forward more clear. I hope this helps you. Please keep us updated on your progress. (*hug*)
I say, break off the romantics with your boyfriend right away, before he pops the question. Tell him that you need time to sort things out about your future and the direction you'd like to take in life. Assure him that there's nobody else, but that you really need some alone time. Let him know how much his continued 'friendship' means to you and that no matter what, he'll always be one of your closest friends in life... Afterwards, you should hang out with more women of your particular liking. Actually, have a taste of what your heart may truly desire. Once you've arrived, you'll know...Then just click your heels together!
