I somewhat doubt I'm transgender but I can't stop thinking of or wanting to be a girl. This has been going on for about a year, the wish is stronger than anything I've ever felt and I can't think of anything else, sometimes I fall asleep at like 5 am because I'm so frustrated that I just want to scream, cry for hours (but can't) and throw/destroy things. But I really can't say for sure that I know I'm a girl mentally. I think I have always been like a "chicken" and I always liked girly music, girly drinks, throwed like a girl, wanted to buy female perfume instead of male but I didn't have any thoughts about really being a girl before I became an adult. Now it sounds like I was kinda girly when I was a child, but I wasn't, I played war like all the time and even though I always was a bit depressed and very anxious and scared when I was younger because I was afraid that I would become or be required to be more manly when I got older and I knew that I would never be able to function as grown man I don't think it's enough. I actually have been convinced that I am a girl mentally for a couple of hours a few times and those moments are probably the happiest in my life, I'm not convinced often, but when I am I get like euphoric and I hate when that feeling go away. I don't really know if I have a female personality, I don't have any friends and I'm like silent all the time (I hate my voice more than anything on earth), but once my youngest brother srsly said that I act like a girl as an insult, don't know if he really meant it. Apart from that a lot of people seem to think that I'm gay. I've never really liked when people have said things like "listen carefully young man" etc to me without knowing why, and I've never really liked being with guys and don't like when people call me man or guy etc. I'm like in love with words like miss and daughter. Sometimes when people are calling me more powerful versions of the word man in my native language I don't even get annoyed, I just laugh (mentally) because it just feels like calling me that would be like calling a squirell hippo, it's just so far away from the truth. I have always known that I just can't be a father, it's just not going to work and therefore I have always been like anti kids. But when I'm thinking about it I believe I would like being a mother. I don't really understand how some people can just feel which gender they are and that their body is wrong. I can't say that being male feels wrong but all the typical male things actually do feel really reaaallllyyyy wrooooooong, I just can't do/live up to them and I hate myself, want to puke and feel sickly disgusted and uncomfortable when I try. For example in relationships, I strongly feel like that I should be like the weak one who needs protection and all that stuff and I would rather be cute, or beautiful than handsome (I almost take handsome as an insult). I can't say for sure that I feel like a female but I do think that being female feels like the way I feel. I know I would find it hard to tell someone that I'm female but also that if someone said to me that I'm not I would contradict them. I fall into female body language and start singing girly songs trying to imitate some singers voices quite often when I'm alone without thinking about it. When I put on female cloths I do get a bit turned on, but that's not important, it annoys me, apart from that I get really calm, peaceful and feels clear in my mind and so pure in the soul. But I really really can't afford any female clothing of my own and prolly wont for a long time so it's hard to try it on for real ;( Sometimes I'm saying that I'm a girl on like online games and stuff, it doesn't definetely feel "right" but I always get like so happy by doing it (I have been doing it on and off since i was like 12). Apart from that it feels like an explosion in my stomach and I can't stop smiling for hours if someone calls me girl by mistake and when I practiced for my driving license my instructor said that my problems was typical girl problems and that those problems should be np for me because I'm male and I was thinking like "omg omg omg is it possible that I have a female structured brain!?!?!??!? =) =) =) =)" and I get happy just by thinking about it months afterwards. Sometimes I think it's possible that I'm like bigender or something like that because I don't feel like this ALL the time (but close), but if that's case I just want to kill or amputate my male side. I hate my name and voice. Sometimes I want to hurt myself when I see my body in a mirror (my head is looking horribly unfeminine from some angles and my back is so broad), but doing that is just unmature and stupid. Sometimes I want to cry (but can't) because I'm afraid I'm not girly enough or that my feelings aren't strong enough or because they havn't really been there since I was a child. I probably want to become a girl physically more than everything I have ever wanted combined but I'm afraid that I'm just fooling myself that this will solve all my problems. I have a history of being obsessed with stuff and maybe I'm just obsessed now as well. But at the same time I just can't see any future of myself as a male above like age 24 and I have never been able to do that. I seriously doubt that I will ever be comfortable as male no matter which type of person I will be. I don't really care at all about all this money/acceptance/parents/friends/family/job problems. I have had 0 expectations on life for so many years that I just don't care. But still I don't want to transition without being really really sure and I feel a bit guilty because I'm so easygoing. As I said I don't worry at all about not getting accepted and loosing people and stuff, maybe that's a bad thing? What if I transition and wont be able to make friends because I'm so nonchalant and just thinking "fuck that" about everything. I also doubt that I would fit in with other tgs if I went to some support group. I just can't break the ice. Wherever I have been or whatever I have been doing I have always been "the new guy" without really being new. It doesn't matter if it's a guild in a pc game, an internet forum, some sports team or a school class, I just can't take the step from being new and appearing to be a quite good person to really becoming a part of the group. I also don't have any confidence or cockiness, maybe it seemed like it when I wrote that about fuck everything but that only includes like some stuff, don't really know how to explain. I can't like take pictures of myself or showing any enthusiaism in anything or even listening to music in a public place in case someone would criticize for example my music. I can't stand up for myself at all and maybe that stuff about not caring about acceptance etc is just that I'm running away from problems and conflicts like I always do. Apart from that everything I do always feels, looks and becomes wrong or just fail, I want to cry for hours everytime I try to do something or changing anything. Even if I'm really strong and persevering in some ways I'm like the last person that should be able to do a succesful transition. I have extreme anxiety about standing up for myself, being different, being confident, changing how I express my personality, being mature, enthusiastic and pretty much everything that is required. I'm also extremely absent-minded and forgot that I had food in the oven while writing this... I believe that the official image of me is that I'm always late, nervous, grouchy, absent-minded, always forget things, havn't showered, are wearing dirty cloths, are mumbleing, aint taking responebility about anything, have shifty eyes, are tired, can't handle pressure, slept bad, don't like the food, are depressed, are negative, don't want to do anything, are trying to take confident people down, can't form my own opinion about anything, find pretty much everything embarressing, always asks for help without trying at my own first, are always taking the easiest possible path, always wants pity, self-pity a lot and don't care about anyone else than myself. What should I do? I have all kind of social phobias, are having anxiety about everything and are such a weird and self-hating person and I'm not sure if I'm ready to see a therapist. I would really want to have some friends over the internet but I'm just so worthless at keeping in touch with friends and always get nervous and don't know what to say and I find it hard to express myself in English unless I can proofread it etc which is kinda hard in chats for example. Right know I don't have one single friend. And I have never ever had a real friend. At the same time I don't think I'm worth it and I have to force myself to write this. It would be nice to have a friend to talk about anything with, not just talking about unimportant stuff and... I don't really know how to describe it, but I just want real friends that I can trust (or maybe I should say friend, I always get uncomfortable when I'm with more than one person and I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck at and hate small talk and I probably have some kind of asberger or something similar). If I had an irl friend I would want to be able to tell her that I can't relax even when I'm with her until I can instead of trying to act cool or playing some stupid role. I just want to cry, hug and whine about stuff for hours or maybe days. And I also think I would want to be a bit of that person for others or someone else (now I almost found a possible job out of this crap apparently >_< the first one that doesn't seem suicidaly boring, I doubt I would ever be bored if I worked as pshychiatrist or counselor). Is it even possible to be like transgender and not knowing or even suspecting it before age 18? And is it possible to have an extreme wish to be a girl without being tg? I didn't supress this or anything else when I was a child afaik and I knew much about this stuff at an early age, so it wasn't that I just couldn't describe my feelings or whatever. Have anyone else experienced something similar? Btw do you think I write like a girl? And do you think that I write like I have asberger or that I'm writing weird in some way? Now when I have it all summed up I actually do think I'm a girl mentally... euphoriaaaaaa haha xD. Lately I have just been starting to tell myself that if I "want to be a girl" I prolly are one and that feels nice, I don't have to worry about proving it to myself like all the time. When I imagine myself in the future I see a kind, warm, comforting beautiful, tall, thin, clever, helping, accepting, calm, funny, humble, a bit crazy and weird, stabile, positive, a bit emotional, disciplined, well-educated woman with nice cloths and skin and (really) long black hair in good shape who still are a bit nervous and axious but who doesn't let it control her and dares to go against the tide. But maybe I'm just trying/wanting to be perfect, it prolly wont turn out that way. I don't really know what I want out of this, it just felt nice to write it all down. Maybe I've written some unnecessary stuff and maybe I've exaggerated because I'm desperatly tired... good night.
No matter what, I would strenuously suggest that you seek professional counseling, in order to help you sort things out... Good Luck!
Hello, and welcome to EC =) Let me start off with a typical little disclaimer: No one can really tell you if you are or are not transgender. I believe it is (unfortunately) a personal dilemma that must be answered through some real soul searching. Its been something that has, and still, extremely difficult for me. That being said, I see a lot of myself in you. This is a very long and detailed post so it would be extremely difficult for me to point out every single detail, but I assure you, I felt like I was reading something I might have wrote. When I was 12 I started pretending to be a girl online. The word you described is the EXACT same one I've always used to describe the experience for myself. Euphoric. This was the age I realized I wanted to be a girl. Define female personality? A personality is something individual and unique. It isn't bound to any gender. I think what you meant here is that you don't act "stereotypically" feminine, but from my experience, most transgirls don't. I go to trans support groups and all the trans girls spend their time talking about video games and anime lol. Its kind of weird the similarities I see in myself and transgirls I have met. We all seem into nerdy "boy" things, but hate sports, cars, and are terrible at directions >.< But it makes sense to have male interests. Most transgirls do. Its not surprising considering I was raised and treated like a boy for 22 years. I mean, I played football, hockey, and wrestled and my dad took me out hunting constantly. You think being around guys all the time won't make you pick up some "boyish" interests whether you are trans or cis? I think you'd be surprised. I'm extremely shy, and rarely speak up except in breaks, but I still feel like I fit in perfectly. And from my experience many of the people that go to these (I go to two different groups) tend to be shy or suffer from social anxiety to some extent, which makes sense considering having to learn to regulate your every action growing up to avoid suspicion. Yes, there isn't an age limit. But you said you enjoyed pretending to be female online at age 12 anyway didn't you? At any rate, many people don't realize they are trans or start transitioning until they reach around age 40 (very common because testosterone levels drop around that age) I think you just seem to write like a person =) Given the length of your post I didn't notice an abnormal amount of errors or anything. As I said before, I'm not going to tell you that you are or are not trans. I can't do that. But based on what you've told me, I hear a lot of feelings that I have felt. I think you absolutely owe it to yourself to see a counselor and discuss this with a professional that you can talk to in person. Its been a tremendous aid to me. If you ever want to talk you can message me on my wall. I think you might need to post on the forums a bit more before you can post on people's walls, but feel free to message me any time. And you don't need to worry about "trying to act cool" or being judged. I don't bite =P I hope I was of help. Once again, welcome and I hope you find the answers you are looking for (*hug*)
You sound near exactly the same as me. Guys at work tease or insult me by calling me princess, and I secretly like it. I cant type much cause im on my phone and tired but I assure you, I had many nights I laid in bed, or got drunk, and cried myself to sleep asking what the fuck am I? You're far from alone, and if you want to talk about it by all means go for it!
First of all hun, (*hug*) Welcome so much to EC!!! I glad you found us & this was the very first place I came out as trans & as gay a year ago! t can be a real struggle with what youre going thru, but I def know how it feels, so if you need to talk, hit me up & post on my wall!
Welcome to EC! I used to feel the same way not long ago. You see, all the social anxiety and the feeling of "not being able to fit in" , at least in my case, were cause by having to live a lie. Deep down inside me, no matter how much I lied to myself, no matter how much I pretend and forcing myself to wear the mask of a "socially-accepted person" , I knew,on a subconcious level, that I wasn't my true self. The person who interacted with my friends and my family weren't me, it was just a perosna I created so that I can fit in, so that I don't have all the confusion about myself gets in the way. And you know what, for a while, it worked. Closing my eyes, clamping my ears, locking my heart, supressing everything that is me. I was just a shell of myself, and people seems to be perfectly fine with it. I thought I was too, untill it was too much to contain, too much to be pushed aside. I fall far, far deep into depression, and if not for my mother who came to me, and accept me when I came out, I might have suicide. Anyway, this is not about me. This is about you, and your journey to find yourself. The lesson in my story is that, never, ever, live as someone you are not. Whether you are trans, or not, it is for you to find out. And when you are sure of who you are, do whatver you can to be yourself. And if you need our help, we will be here. Even if it is just a rant, letting things out helps a ton!