To begin, I'm a 20 year old male in college, and I didn't start questioning my sexuality until about a year ago when I saw another dude, and I got this intense feeling in my stomach. it wasn't enjoyable per se, just intense, and I thought to myself, "does this mean I'm gay?" Maybe I didn't find it enjoyable because I'm just in denial or have some sort of subconscious homophobia or something. What's funny is that growing up starting from puberty, I've always felt attracted to certain girls. For instance, I would get a warm, fuzzy feeling or I would feel excited if I was near a girl i was attracted to, and i would fantasize about them when I'm on my faptop. In fact, I still do get those feelings. Maybe I'm just gay in denial and I only like it because I haven't fully come out to myself yet. idk Anyways, I've been in a mental freak-out mode since that moment I got that intense feeling in my stomach. I've been looking at attractive or muscular men to see if I'm attracted to that. I do feel something in my stomach and my heart rate does increase, but it feels like anxiety or dread, similar to the feeling one with an intense fear of heights would get if he or she were forced to ride a really tall roller coaster. Could this mean that I just have some subconscious homophobia and that I'm actually gay? It's definitely not conscious homophobia since I have a couple gay friends and I don't particularly care about their sexuality, and I'm not the most religious person in the world either. I'm still in mental freak-out mode, where I'll obsessively google images of shirtless men to see if I'm aroused or attracted to it. This just gives me anxiety, where I'll be in the fetal position and breathing heavily for like 10-20 minutes.(Ok, I maybe exaggerating a little on that last part. That's only happened a couple times) Gay porn also does nothing for me. I also don't have any social anxiety about it, simply anxiety about doing stuff with other men. I could care less what other people think about me. Lately, I've given up, and I've been trying to be gay because what straight guy would have these intrusive thoughts for so long. I've been trying to be attracted to other men, but it's really difficult because it feels kind of forced, and I also get anxiety as well. Whether i end up realizing I'm gay or straight doesn't really matter to me. I guess it's the doubt that's giving me anxiety. I just don't want to wake up 7-8 years from now and have my body tell me, "no, you're not into boobs" or "no you're not into muscle." So, can anybody help me figure out what exactly I am? Also, what does attraction feel like, exactly? I have a pretty good idea of what it feels like, I just want to be sure.
Umm, for starters I if I see a really attractive guy I say in my mind 'wow he's fit!' xD and then I get that sudden rush of 'heart-skips-a-beat' feeling, similar to that feeling when you can't feel your phone in your pocket for a moment but its actually in your pocket, except without the dread. Then my heart rate may beat a little faster but only sometimes. I think thats it... I'm not sure. You said you don't have any attraction to guys so I think not. Its a really common thing on EC to what you have described. There are guys who are obsessed about looking up images of guys or are checking out guys to see whether they feel anything but i think its just anxiety. When you're out and about where do your eyes naturally wander to? Is it boys or girls more? Also, do you look at guys and think 'oh he's good-looking, I want to sleep with him' or 'oh he's good-looking' and thats it? The same question with girls. I ask this because you can see whether someone is good-looking but that doesn't mean you want to sleep with them. For example, even though I am gay, I can still tell if a girl is beautiful but that doesn't mean I have any desire to have sex with her.
It's weird because this morning I got that feeling around a good looking football player, so I thought that I was gay, and I just thought to myself, "All right, I guess I'm into dudes then." An hour later, I got the same feeling when I saw a girl with boobs that were bouncing epically. It's kinda weird because I was trying to not be attracted to her, but I couldn't help myself. It's so annoying how I can't be attracted to simply one or the other.
