I've been friends with . . . Let's call him J, for a few years now. I've been trying to tell him I'm gay and have feelings for him, but everytime I try I chicken out. Can someone give me some tips to help raise my confidence, or maybe when is a good time to tell him? It would be appreciated.
I would first work on just trying to come out to him. Are you sure he is gay as well? I don't really think you should hit him with this all at once(coming out plus saying you have feelings for him at the same time). The only right time is whenever you feel confident and comfortable revealing this to him. Would it be easier to say "I'm not straight" instead of the "I'm gay"? I know it's still hard for me and many others to say it. Once you come out, you'll have a better understanding on how he feels overall. Depending on his reaction, it might or might not be worth it to confess your feelings sometime in the future if they can never be returned if he's straight. It sucks but you might have to settle just being friends, so be prepared to accept that as a possible outcome. But yeah, come out to him first and then use your judgement on whether you think it'd be worth confessing how you feel later on.
I do know he's gay, but he doesn't know I am. It's just . . . he's really shy. So it might surprise him a lot. Maybe just ease it into a conversation, right? God almighty, I'm horrible at this.
Oh, well that makes things a bit better. He'll probably be happy and relieved to have a gay friend. Has he ever given any indication that he might like you as well?
He does hug me . . . a lot. But that's about it. He looks red when I see him looking at me, but he would blush if our 60-year-old Algebra tech was eating a hot dog. So, some subtle indicators, but nothing set in stone.
How did he come out to you? If it was difficult for him to come out then maybe this might not work but perhaps you could work it into conversation and turn it into you asking his advice on how to come out if you can. Then if he's receptive up to that point you could imply (or for best results, outright tell him) that it's you who needs the advice. Any general conversation on LGBT issues could be turned for this purpose, you could ask his opinion on any related topics in the news etc. I don't know your friend so it makes it a bit difficult to suggest specific ways but if you can get onto that kind of conversation then if you can be brave enough you should be able to take it from there. Or perhaps some non-verbal method of communication might be better? I don't have many shy friends, I think shy people are probably scared of me because i'm anything but, but I might imagine that writing a note or an email might be better depending on how communicative he is in person. So I think it depends on what relationship you've had with him thus far, how he feels right now about being gay and what methods you know that have been successful for communicating with him in the past. But if he is positive about himself as a gay person then realistically he is not going to react negatively to you coming out to him, is he? I know that doesn't help, I still struggled quite a lot to come out to several people in my life who I already knew were 100% accepting of LGBT people, but in the end I forced myself to think logically, pick a time when I would be alone with that person and go for it. It gets easier after you've done it a few times I think, I'm not sure how many people you've told. Hope it all goes well for you. Oh and I second the advice to separate "I'm gay" from "I have feelings for you." because that's way too big a conversation to have in its entirety, for both of you I would imagine.
Thanks you guys. This really helped me a lot. ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2012 at 02:42 AM ---------- The movies . . . ?
Yes, the movies! I'd select something romantic, suspenseful, or frightening! If it's romantic, just wait for the right moment to hold his hand. If it's suspenseful, just grab his leg at a suspenseful moment. Then just leave your hand there. If it's frightening, hold his hand, grab his leg, or place your head upon his chest and cover your eyes. Then at the right moment, look up into his eyes. Try to gauge his responses to every move made. Try to be subtle at first. However, if he gives you the green light, the theater can be a very romantic place.
The way he described "J," it seems like he'd have a heart attack if the OP were to hold his hand, grab his leg, or place his head on him. :lol:
I think the best way to do it is to just tell him how you feel, don't hesitate. This is my life saver at times when I say something that has a negative result, just say you were kidding. That's how you get out of any bad results, you say you were kidding. At least that way you'd get an idea of how he thinks without making things awkward or him having a negative reaction.
