Hi to all members, I am new here. I came here for support because I have no one to talk to about this. I always fall in love with older women, at least 10 yrs older than me. I don't know if this is a mother-issue or a lesbian-issue. I'm not even sure if I'm lesbian. I had crushes on guys as a teenager. I admire the musculinity of male celebrities. But, in real life, I always fall for older women. I moved away from my very dysfunctional home 6 years ago & never kept in touch. Even when I was there, I lived like a tenant. My biological parents & I weren't close. I am 28-y/o, & still having the yearning to be 'adopted'. Currently, I am in love with an older colleague, A (10 yrs older than me). It's been 10 mths of agony. She is very close to a fellow female colleague, S, & there have been gossips that they are gay. They both deny it, though in their facebook profiles both stated that they are 'in a relationship' (they don't have boyfriends). Both wear rings on their left fourth finger. They are inseparable. I confessed to A four mths ago that I am confused about my feelings for her, & that I know she wouldn't leave S for me. She took it in stride. Wasn't horrified by my confession. She promised not to tell anyone, but, I'm not sure if I can trust her for that. We're still working together, but, it's kinda killing me inside. S senses my feelings for A & no longer speaks to me much. I've considered transferring to another dept, but, I've made friends here in my current dept. Plus, I don't like the transitional process of moving from one dept to another. I feel comfortable & get along with most colleagues in my current dept, with the exception of S & A. S & A are both distancing themselves from me. I keep quiet about it, pretend I'm not hurt by A's reaction (it is only lately that she started to distance herself). S seems to be the dominent one in their relationship, though I can't presume that she is the one who is asking A to avoid me. I told my supervisor at first that I would like to apply for a transfer, then later changed my mind & told him I am having 2nd thoughts. A is on my mind almost all the time. I do things to distract myself, but, my thoughts return to her eventually. I think I can never have A. I keep all these feelings to myself & remain professional at work. But, it really is killing me inside.
Welcome to EC, Jaded! If I were you, I'd resubmit my application for a transfer. I would then try dating guys exclusively for awhile. On the weekends, I'd volunteer to work at a retirement facility. Always keep a straight face while there! Approximately two weeks after the transfer, I would write both A and S a note, explaining how you've always seen them as role models, due to some unique characteristic that they each individually have (I'm sure you can think of something positive to say about each of them). I would then, explain that you've always viewed A, in particular like an older "sister". Don't mention anything negative about anyone in the letter, especially when it concerns yourself. You may need this letter later for confirmation. Tell them that in the recent past, you were just going through some phase. Explain to them that you most probably went through this phase due the fact that you've always missed the "sisterly" closeness that they both share. Furthermore, state that you've always wanted that type of relationship with your "family" and "siblings", as well. Make mention of your new "boyfriend" and how excited you feel that "he's" in your life. Remember: If S resents you, there's no telling how far she has gone in order to sabotage you. Nobody treats romantic competition well. Keep a copy of the letter and don't discuss your personal affairs with anyone at work, ever again. The last thing that you want at your place of employment, is to have others thinking that you've "imagined" these to women to be in the type of an "imagined" relationship that you've always "imagined" yourself to enjoy with a woman that you "imagine" that you love, romantically. Though they most probably are lesbians, they don't have to admit it. One way to thwart those kinds of thoughts would be to vehemently protest your implying otherwise, and that they both resent the implication. Furthermore, they could say that you've created tension between them and yourself at the workplace. You can then be seen as some kind of a "crazy" trouble-making lesbian. You can't tell what's going on, just yet. However, them both distancing themselves is a definite indicator that something is brewing. Continue to treat everyone with respect. Always greet both A and S with a warm, but quick greeting. Always be cordial with them. I would not have any extended conversations with either of them again, if I could at all help it. Mention absolutely nothing romantic about either of them. Absolutely avoid any suggestion that you may have had any romantic interest in either of them. Always deny it from hence forth! Don't discuss them with anyone else, anywhere.
Hello Jaded, I'm very sorry to hear about your childhood and present circumstances. I feel for you In terms of sexuality, somehow I find that I am very much like you. I too, tend to fall in love with older women, have crushes on guys, and drool over 'em hot celebrities. So I understand you. Perhaps because of your troubled childhood, you had to grow up faster than anyone else, ending up more mature than anyone else your age. Maybe because of that, you look for older women, who would not only understand you, but never judge you. Well, that's only my guess As for your colleagues, I really can't help you, because I am still a little kid, and have absolutely no knowledge of the workings of workplaces. Mango has given really good suggestions and I agree with them. Also, I'm sure colleague A would not tell anyone, because if she is a lesbian herself, she would know the hardships. Since they have not confirmed their relationship, I would advise you not to dwell too much on it. 'Overthinking' often creates problems that were nonexistent in the first place. If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are living in the present, you shall be content. Think about it and know that I send my mental support and love!
I think you should interchange roles of you three ( you and A and S) in imagination. Try to be in A's position for a while and fantasize, assume A is you and later interchange again and see their feelings. then what would you do if S was to be you and A is A.:icon_wink, do it a while. And also think in position of S and think about your life and feelings, what would you be going through. what would you be wanting A to do. If you can't think in those roles, imagine both of them had never met before and you met A and had a relationship with her and later S came to your Office, actually this is the same scenario. How would you expect A to act if you feel (or A told you) S makes moves at A. How would you feel about S. If your scenarios/roles goes/act completely different to the present situation, then the fact is that you are different in thinking from them, but I guess, this is how (what happen now) they would react in a such a situation. and may be you also, if you were thinking like them. About crushes, we all get them, and get over them on one or another day. It happens, even we want it or not and move on to another crush. They are crushes, that's how it happens with crushes, just like that. (*hug*)
As A is in a relationship, you should really do what you can to stop yourself from thinking about her this way. I do NOT think you should start dating men you aren't interested in. I think it's likely that your preference for an older partner is something unhealthy to do with not having a good relationship with your parents. But I think that if you were straight, you would fall for older men, and if you were even bisexual this would happen with men and women. So, I think that trying to date men is not a good idea when all of the people you've had feelings for in real life have been women. Barring something drastic happening, you can never have A. You shouldn't try, because you know she's in a relationship. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to S. Confide in her--tell her you have these feelings, and you know it can't work out, and see if she has any suggestions. If you make it clear that you respect that A is in a relationship, it may go a long way towards making things less uncomfortable. I don't think it's going to be possible for you to improve the situation much without talking to S. I'm pretty sure you can depend on A to not tell anyone about it except for S, and I think you can depend on S to not tell anyone else either. They are clearly both very good at keeping their mouths shut. Anyway, since they don't admit to their own relationship, outing you would only bring more scrutiny that they don't want. Tell her also about your feelings that you might tend to develop feelings for older women because of being without a family. Maybe you'll be adopted at last, if you can rein in your romantic feelings and see them both as role models for yourself instead. One thing that's good is that gay people create "families of choice." Even if it's not with these particular lesbians, you should be able to become part of a gay family. I would actually recommend that you focus on that--either with S&A or, if that won't work, with other people, see if you can find some older people to "adopt" you. If you can fill that role in your life with platonic relationships, you may be able to stop looking for that in your romantic life (which is unhealthy). Remember that having children is more difficult for gay people, and many that perhaps would have liked to have not done so. I'm certain that you should be able to find a couple in the community that will be willing to treat you as a daughter. EDIT: Oh, and Welcome to Empty Closets!
Hi all, I'm sorry for the late reply. Tied down by work lately. I've read all your messages few days ago, but, have been too tired to write a proper reply. I don't think I will write to any of them. I've decided to leave them alone. I treated both S & A well, buying them stuff whenever I went overseas. Sure, I was vying for A's attention, but, I do not resent S & regard her as a good friend. Yes, if I were S, I'd respond the same way. Since they are both distancing themselves, I'll just leave them be. We still work together w/o encountering problems. I've decided not to transfer as I've made friends in my current dept. And I'm used to the workflow here. Transition is not my cup of tea. It is hard to leave. I'll just have to learn to manage myself in a situation like this. I'm pretty sure if I transferred, they'd be another older woman I'd fall for & the cycle would repeat. It happens all the time & I'm sick of myself. It's like an awful habit that's hard to kick. I am very doubtful I'll ever be "adopted". I will soon turn 29, old enough to be a parent. I've given up hope. Told myself to never have children for fear of the damage I might inflict on another human being. I am very thankful for all your support & advise. If I have forgotten to address any issues, I apologise. I'm pretty tired & will come back again to read all your posts. FYI, I am on antidepressants & anxiolytics/sedatives. I've had depression since 12-y/o, when I was living with biological family. Grew up in a violent home. Left & never looked back. I'm a loner, though I appreciate & cherish the few friendships that I have. Thanks a million, J ---------- Post added 7th Sep 2012 at 05:39 PM ---------- Btw, A knows about my family background. She doesn't totally ignore me. Still treats me alright. She's a good person.
A is distancing herself further & further... at times there is even a trace of hostility when she speaks to me. If there is no need to, she doesn't speak to me at all. I was never clingy or anything like that. Ever since I sensed her distance, I respected it & let her be. But, now I don't know why she seems to dislike me for no apparent reason. I feel like asking her what I've done wrong. I confided to her before about certain issues in my life (when we were on friendly terms). Now, I'm wondering if I should trust her. As mentioned, I am on meds for depression & this issue is exacerbating my condition. I don't know what to do. I go to work everyday pretending like I'm alright & crack plenty of jokes. Deep inside, I'm falling apart. Truth is, I just feel like staying home all day instead of going to work.
You have a purpose in life , Al though it seems like nothings going to be ok because ready or not it will be soon enough . i too have delt emotionally with verbally abusive family members so i know exactly how u feel . You are a person and you have emotions your wounderfull dont giv up !
You always love women older than you? Same here, well I love older men. Right now I really, really like this guy a lot more than I should, but he's older than 3 times my age, so I really am waiting for College and am hoping that I will fall in love with someone closer to my age. If I were you, I would just not worry about it, and just continue living the way you have for awhile. I've lasted a couple of years like that, although I (of course) never told him how I felt, but still.
I'm beginning to regret confiding to A some of my problems... I know everybody has problems. Yes, I get that. I nurse the sick everyday. I see people with problems worse than mine. But, it's still hard to cope. I've been a loner since I was a child. It's hard to change that. I try not to bother other people with my issues & just handle everything by myself. I grew up in a family of violence. I was unofficially fostered & rejected twice. After the last foster family, I gave up (I know they chased me out due to my inability to cope with my depression, but, I really am not like I used to be anymore). A posts messages on facebook, like, "Nobody has a perfect life. Everybody has their own problems. Some people just know how to deal with it in a perfect way." And I don't know if it's directed at me. It's like she's going all passive-aggressive on me, & I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive (which I tend to be). I keep to myself these days because A & S have been avoiding me. Seems they resent me. But, I don't profess to know what they're thinking. I admit, yesterday, I gave A a look that said, "What have I done wrong?" A looked down, avoiding eye contact. So I sent her a message thru' FB that goes like this: "Hi A, "I just would like to know, honestly, have I done anything wrong to upset you & S? I sense something wrong, but, it could be me being overly sensitive. "I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I gave the fish to E & G. When I read the message again, though, I realised it sounded sarcastic & I really didn't mean it. "I'm not trying to exclude you or S. "I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset anyone. "I can be loud, proud, rude, hostile, etc. I'm sorry for all that. "Please continue to be the good staff that you are (no matter what others think), and, I know S will be a smart & capable staff now that she's promoted. "Perhaps it was a mistake to have revealed to u my issues the other time. It's like an additional burden & unfair to you. "I'm just really, really sorry." I caught a sea bass & pomfret. They declined to have it so I gave it to others. Since then, A has been making comments, like, "Well, there are plenty of those in the market." Etc...
