Ok, so this question has been asked over and over again, but sometimes I do just feel as though I have convinced myself that I'm gay. I mean, how am I supposed to actually know? How do I know that this isn't a phase? I know that this question "Am I gay?" has been going through my head periodically for 12 years now, but maybe this is all just part of normal emotional ups and downs which happen when you're stressed, and that when I feel upset I decide I'm gay. And I know this sounds like the denial setting in, but I'm serious - do you think I could have just got myself into a mental position whereby I've convinced myself that I'm a lesbian? The thing is, I don't want to be gay anymore. I think I've just been getting carried away with it. I feel so bad writing this, because I think my posts have been becoming more confident with my identity, but really this comfort is changing all the time, and I am constantly oscillating between liking it and not believing it. It's like the internet is some fantasy world in which I'm a lesbian but in real life I'm not gay. I think that maybe give me a month or so this will all have passed. But then if I'm still having the same doubts I was having more than a decade ago who am I kidding? Not really sure why I'm writing this - it's just that I really do wonder if it's all just because I *want* to be gay for some reason. I feel that 6 months ago I was heterosexual, and if I chose, I could go back to being heterosexual, and live that life, and be happy. I feel like I'm making my own life difficult for no reason other than that I've got it into my head that I'm gay, and that now I've just convinced myself of it that I'm not considering any other possibilities - such as that I just tend to get emotionally attached to women but that actually I like men? Don't forget that I was actually totally heterosexual right up until now. But then am I just doing what I always do? Oh I don't know. And you're all going to say I'm actually gay/bisexual, but actually, I could actually be absolutely straight, but going through some stuff. It's just so damn hard. I'm just having serious doubts and reservations about this whole gay thing. It's like I'm one thing online and another in real life - any gayness I have is merely a part of this fantasy internet life I have or something. Oh I don't know. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Sorry for my little rant of wavering doubt. Usually I deal with it on my own, but now I just feel so confused and bad - but I think that sometimes I'd prefer to think I'm confused, rather than that I'm gay, because that gives a glimmer of hope..which I dearly need...oh dear, now I've gone on way too long... But thanks for listening guys!! And I hope I didn't depress you too much...
Wow. Okay, I'm not really sure where to start. I can't say I have any answers for you and I can't tell you whether you are actually gay or straight. It's not as simple as taking some sort of pregnancy test or whatever. You know, pee on a stick and...oh, its a rainbow! Sometimes I wish it were that cut and dry. At least I could have my sanity. I'm sort of still in a state of confusion too. I mean, I know I've never been sexually attracted to a guy, maybe to his personality, but then that just means we'd be good friends. But part of me wonders if I just haven't given guys a chance. I don't know, I just know I've never been interested in dating a guy. I'm 21 (22 in another day), and it kills me that I still haven't figured myself out yet. I get the whole online life vs. reality. I don't really play the part of a straight person in reality, but I certainly don't act very gay, just neutral I guess. I think if I really reached deep down and allowed myself to realize the truth, I'd say I was asexual. I still have feelings for girls though, that much I know. I just don't really know what those feelings mean. I'm not sure about you, (I think you've mentioned a bf before) but I've NEVER dated anyone or even flirted with anyone. Now I realize this probably only qualifies me as the biggest loser ever, but I still feel it plays a huge role in my not being fully certain as to whether I'm gay, bisexual, asexual, or (god forbid) straight. See unlike you, I don't want to be straight, in fact I'd hate if I were straight. THAT is what scares me. I mean, what does that say about me? I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't normal. I'd rather not be bisexual either, and I'd also rather not be asexual I just don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I wish I could go to a therapist and talk about my concerns and issues, but at the moment that just isn't feasible. I guess my only advice to you would be to seek some sort of counseling? I don't know if you've tried that, but I think talking to a qualified expert might be of use. I can't wait until I'm done with college in about 4 months and finally able to try and seek some counseling. I'm usually a decisive sort of person, so indecision kills me. I understand how frustrating this is, even if I don't have any good advice to offer. I hope at least some of what I said helped. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more though.
First of all... I think you need a hug! (*hug*) Identity confusion is a tough thing to go through. I think pretty much everyone here has had a bout of it at some point. And while I'm sure things would be easier if you were 100% straight, don't take the easy path just because it's easy. While it is possible to be someone you're not on the Internet, it also acts as a catalyst too. It allows a certain amount of anonymity that gives people a chance to be who they are without the consequences of people knowing everything about them or having the ability to confront them face-to-face about things. You can be who you are and not worry about what other people think. It's a whole lot harder to be "out" in the real world than it is in a forum that's already gay-friendly. I guess you need to ask yourself some questions. When you close your eyes, do you think about love with women at all? Could you picture yourself kissing another woman? Could you picture your life solely with a man and never feel an attraction toward a woman the rest of your life? You should reread your post a while back when you felt so brilliant about your realization and how it made you feel then. Even if you don't feel that way now, at least you'll know that those feelings were just as valid. I can't say whether you're straight or not. But either way, don't feel that you need to make this decision right now. These are just doubts. It's one of the stages of coming to terms with yourself. Denial. Anger. Regret. Bargaining. Realization. Acceptance. And if you determine that you might be more straight than bi or lesbian, that's fine too. Just don't forget that you can feel just as good if you're not straight, as your previous post has shown.
