Doing the Right Thing Hurts Sometimes

The sad part is, I knew it all along.

Maybe I should have called him, texted him every day. Left him cute little messages to let him know I was thinking of him. But I didn't. We both like our space, and I never want to be a person who is clingy or needy all the time. Every once in a while is fine and normal for anyone, but not all the time.

Why can't I stop these tears? This is so lame. Medically speaking, I'm not supposed to be crying at all. And on top of the migraine I already had...Not to mention the shitastic day...This sucks.

So basically, here's how it goes:

Puck and I have been talking for about a year now. We've went on dates and hung out and told each other our deepest secrets, blah blah blah, you get the idea. Even from our first meeting we were just so drawn to one another. And the things we have in common...Puck could understand me like no one else ever did, no one else could.

The only issue is that Puck is polyamorous, and therefore lets that bleed into polygamy. I might be polyamorous in some instances, but I am very much a monogamous person. I don't like sharing what is mine and I will fight tooth and nail to defend it, and keep it mine alone. Puck understands this, because he's the same way. Jealous and possessive. I don't know how many times he'd get jealous, just a bit, over the fact that someone else was trying to move in on me. But he knew I just wanted to be with him. Thing is...we were never officially together.

Every time I brought up the issue of whether of not we were together, we would just end up talking around the subject entirely. Puck and I never really fight, but I emember I was so frustrated one night, because it seems his favorite answer is "I don't know." I went off about how I just wanted him to give a damn for once. To know something, anything.... I eventually apaologized for trying to push him into certainty of something. I wasn't trying to push for a relationship. I just wanted him to figure things out for himself.

Well now Puck id up in New York, going to uni. He was so afraid he wouldn't make friends, but he did just like I assured him he would. He met this one guy in particular, Jo. And I already knew from the way Puck spoke of him...I already knew what was coming.

I would see the pictures on Facebook. And everytime Puck was going out, he was going out with Jo. If he was texting or getting a phone call, it was Jo. He started spending less time with me and I could tell.

Today Puck asked me if we were together. When I inquired as to whether or not he wanted to be, I again got the infamous "I don't know," at which point I finally made the call. This is basically what I said to him:

"If I've come to you several times by now and had to asked if we were together just to end up with us talking around it...then I think the answer is probably no. If we were together, you would have said yes. If we were together, you wouldn't be asking me this now.

And I mean, you're in New York now. If you've found someone you like, then...that's okay. They can be there for you. I can't. So...it's okay."

Just to clarify, we live only two hours from each other back home, but now...NY and VA...thats a drive. Anyway. So the conversation went on...

Me: "It's Jo, huh?"
Him: "...Yeah."
Me: "I know...I know." How could I not know?
Him: "I just don't wanna lose you. From my life."
Me: "You're not gonna lose me from you life. I promise. You're Puck..."
Him: "And you're Gunther. I can't live without my Gunther."
Me: "Well you don't have to."

At which point I hurried to end our conversation because I could feel all that emotion welling up inside me and it was ready to come forth in tear form.


It's hard. It's really hard. I really fell for him, and I wanted so much to be in a relationship with him. All this time I've been waiting for him to come to terms with his feelings for me. He's mentioned it several times. But apparently, as much as he cares for me... I know it has nothing to do with someone being better than me. He's polyamorous, so it's not that. It's all me really. Still...

I am proud of myself, though. I think I handled it rather well. I could have said "Yes, we're together and you're mine and no one else's" and just made things hard on everyone. But that's childish and immature. Pointless drama bullshit. This way...Puck can be happy and not have to worry about whether or not he's hurting me. All I want is for him to be happy. That's why I'll never tell him how much it hurt to say those things.

But it just sucks so much. Because it felt like we were togethe all this time. So in a way it really is like breaking up. I dunno. I just already felt bad and had a cruddy day. This is melted icing on the burnt cake.

But damn, why does doing the right thing have to hurt so much?

 

Thanks so much, guys. It's really helpful hearing that I did the right thing. I almost second guessed myself a few hours later, but... I just want to thank you for your support.

It still hurts. I still feel the urge to tell him that I want to be with him, tell him that I've been waiting all this time, tell him that when I sleep next to Gummy all I think of is how much I wish it were him. [Gummy is my stuffed buddy that Puck made me when he was away in Africa this summer]

I know the pain will eventually recede; it hasn't even been a day. But still...