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so when IS the right time?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by th3wallflow3r, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. th3wallflow3r

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    .Can I apologize first of all for any spelling and gramatical errors as i am on my phone.
    I should probably start by talking about early on in my coming to terms withmy sexuality.
    I used to live in an area of Britain which was scarce of any minority, whether that being sexuality or race. It was a small village with about 6 Christian church (Christianity being the main religion in the area And one severely drummed into you from a very young age at school)
    Now I mentioned the lack of minority groups in the area but I am yet to mention the almost complete and utter resistance to accepting change or differences of any sort.

    A couple of years ago two male friends of mine came out as gay.
    it was no surprise to most as both were very stereotypically camp and flamboyant to the point of it being almost humerous.
    now both of them were treated completely different after this point but both dealtwith it in different ways.
    one laughed it off. He was generally loud anyway and eventually left him alone.
    the other was bullied almost mercilessly to the point where he started avoiding people completely, cutting himself off from everyone.
    Two boys one evening cornered him, smashed him over the head with a cricket bat with the shouts of "this'll beat the gay out of you" and leaving him battered and bruised on the floor.
    At the point of this happening, I was still struggling to understand my own sexuality and this happening obviously freaked me and pushedme into greater denial.
    Now I'm getting off track buy I just wanted to first explain the type of tow that I used to live.
    I eventually began to accept who I am, with the help of a few friends elsewhere in the country who were more accepting and helpful to my matter.
    I moved just over a year ago to a community far more accepting o minoritys and have far more comfortable with myself and the daunting prospect of coming out.
    now this is where I ask for advise.
    I am pretty open at college, with my friends knowing about my sexuality and accepting it.
    I also finally managed to come out to three of my friends from "back home". The first going into a state of shock for several minutes before shrugging and asking "do you like that girl you used to talk about?" The second laughing, clapping her hands and stating "I TOLD YOU THAT YOU'D MAKE A GOOD LESBIAN!" And the third simply nodding and carrying on with the conversation we were previously on.
    My friends are not the problem here.
    The problem is my family.

    My dad is no longer around, I have no interest in talking to or seeing him ever again so I do not see him as an issue as it has nothing to do with him. I am more worried about coming out to my mother, grandparents and great grandparents.
    Recently I have attempted hinting conversations with my mum and grandparents, all of which concluding that all three genuinely seemed to believe that gays should not be allowed to get married or have children but as long as they're not in this family then they can go allong their merry bussiness.
    During a heated argument a few months ago my mother shouted that if I were gay then I wouldn't be welcome in the house again. Whether she meant it or not, it terrified me.
    she also keeps hinting at me having children in the future, something I am not interested in, nor sex for that matter. This of course being awkward with her nudging me while giving me pottentianames for her grandchildren.
    So when is the right time to tell them?
    Am I doing the right thing by moving out for university first before I tell them? I think I would feel safer then anyway?

    Thankyou for reading this and I look forward to reading any replies.
    And sorry for rambling a bit.
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Its very hard to say when exactly is the best time to come out since its a personal choice that each of us must take, but usually when you feel its safe enough or comfortable enough with the situation then that's usually the best time to do it.

    My main question would be, are you financially dependable on your parents still? If you are, then I would tell you to maybe wait until you are either financially stable or until you are at least done with university.

    From your post it would seem that your mom at least has some doubts about your sexuality and is trying to scare you into being gay, and that's usually a reaction that doesn't last long, but in some cases parents do horrible things in order to "help".

    With that being said, I would encourage you to keep coming out to your friends and people around you. It is entirely possible to be completely out at your uni and not have it go back to your parents. And no, I don't think its a bad thing to move out before telling them.

    I know all of it can be very hard to digest, but, for what its worth, you have EC and your wonderful friends for support :slight_smile:
     
  3. th3wallflow3r

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    it is plausable that she have subconsciously guessed in some way, it would explain a lot.

    like I had a friend (yes I Did Have a thing for her) who was open about her sexuality.
    now I very rarely spoke about her with my mum but she took one message out of context as though aomethig was going on, had a massive hissy fit and banned me from talking to or seeing her.

    she was a subject of a lot of arguments unfortunately.

    at the moment I am partially dependant on mum for financial support.

    I am starting uni next year and I am paying for everything as my family is in no position to support me. I'm currently in college in my last year.

    Thanks for the advise.

    I think maybe the distance Will be good for a while before I tell her.

    tbh as grim as it may sound I think it may be best to wait for the great nans to go. I'm really unsure as yo how they would both act, having never discussed their views with them but certainly one of them is pretty religious and set In her ways.
    both are mid 90s.
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    It may be grim, but it is the reality of the situation. If you feel like that is the best way to go, then go for it. When it comes to that sort of thing there really isn't a right or wrong answer :slight_smile:

    Good luck in uni!
     
  5. th3wallflow3r

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    Thank-you for the advise and support.